10 April 2012

A Day on the C and O Canal towpath

Yesterday. Westernport, Maryland. 18-mile-hike. Much walking. Much tiredness. Good weather.



One of the many small arches associated with the canal. This arch reminded me of the ruins of a medieval castle in Scotland and it got me thinking...All homes should have a rocky wall to give the place a sense of history.



Map of the Four Locks. By the Potomac River stands the remains of four lockhouses used to keep prisoners. For a few dollars one can stay overnight in one.




The sign reads, 'Danger-Dam Upstream' I could not help but think, 'As to the blessed upstream? Hmm...something strange is afoot on the Potomac...'




Reason #108 why people don't go on extended hikes with me.



The trail was literally covered with these blue flowers which looked like minature trumpets.



Close-up view of one of the blue trumpet flowers.







The road less traveled...except for week-ends and summer holidays.





Funky fungi on a Sycamore tree.





Waterfall over a dam. It looks like a minature Niagara.

07 April 2012

"Do you find it easy to get drunk on words?"

"So easy that, to tell you the truth, I am seldom perfectly sober."


— from a conversation between Harriet Vane and Lord Peter Wimsey in Dorothy Sayers’ Gaudy Night
"Monarchy can easily be debunked; but watch the faces, mark well the accents of the debunkers. These are men whose tap-root in Eden has been cut; whom no rumor of the polyphony, the dance can reach—men to whom pebbles laid in a row are more beautiful than an arch. Yet even if they desire mere equality they cannot reach it. Where men are forbidden to honor a king they honor millionaires, athletes, or film-stars instead; even famous prostitutes or gangsters. For spiritual nature, like bodily nature, will be served; deny it food and it will gobble poison."

— C.S. Lewis, from his essay “Equality” in Present Concerns

05 April 2012

God requires of us what He has created us unable to effect without Him.
--George McDonald

God's ways are not our ways. We say we want to do right, when what we really mean is we want people to think we are right and feel good about ourselves.

People want to be in their right minds, but when they are at their most lucid, they sense the deep hollow cavern within the deepest part of their being and rush to fill it before sadness and regret wash in.

Men are not made to be evil. To be evil is un-human. Suffering and regret are what causes us to acknowledge something is seriously wrong with us. They are the functional equivalents of a computer virus. The laptop can run, but is never truly 100% reliable and liable to break down at any time. It needs a computer programmer to take the hard drive out and debug the system. The laptop is unable to de-bug itself. The best it can do is acknowledge a software glitch after running a systems check.

Creations and inventions of creators and artists cannot mend themselves. Paintings are created for art lovers, not for other paintings. To have a painting compare itself to another painting is meaningless. Art lovers give paintings their meaning and purpose, not vice versa.

Rare inventions have a specific purpose. The more quirky a gadget, the greater specificity it's job. Some jobs require a mind that is curious about everything. The same minds usually have a unique perspective into reality and show great influence over many people. Do-gooders and well-wishers often tell the quirky mind to settle down and join the crowd, but curiosity will prevent the quirky mind to restlessness with the status quo. They must travel, and explore, look for kindred souls to dance as partners in the Dance of Life, and of course they must capture the moments with pen and brush.

Why DO writers write and Dreamers dream? They have to. They must. Writers write to live. Something compels them. Some unknown force fans the the flame of their spirit and they must pick up the Z-grip medium black pen and scribble furiously.

It's breathing. It's food and exercise for their spirit man. For this were they made. What are words but useful tools to describe experiences that cannot truly be depicted. The spirit of a man knows more than the body and soul knows. The intuition, providing the spirit is in sync with the Holy Spirit, will always be correct. It is the mind that confuses things--especially if the man is overly rational. This is why overly educated people take forever to make a decision.

Women are more intuitive than men, are more in touch with their spirit, and more often than not know when a good decision should be made. I think men know this and are secretly happy to receive a women's advice even if they do not say in so many words. A Christian woman is infinitely valuable for her spirit is congruent with the Holy Spirit. And being much more intuitive and sensitive to the Holy Spirit can urge and nudge her husband (if she is married) into situations and places he should be going. When a man discovers such a woman, it would behoove him to acknowledge he's discovered a pearl of great price and (if he has any sense) try to win her heart. The tricky part is--the man knows the woman has infinite value and will rack his brain trying to come up with ideas to woo her...and probably become over-bearing and say non-sensical things. Hopefully, the woman will see through his short-comings and use wisdom to deal with him.

04 April 2012

2012

This summer go on an urban picnic.











You'll need one of these from these people.

They also have an extraordinarily neat blog.

01 April 2012

Thoughts in Solitude

No man appreciates hospitality more than the shipwrecked traveler stranded on a deserted island.

Art requires movement

Art requires movement.

Muses are carnivorous beasts who only strike at moving targets. They're like sharks, and to borrow a Woody Allen quote, (who compares sharks to relationships), they must keep moving forward lest they die.

One's calling in Life is like this too. People must do what they love because of their love for doing it. Doing something for money is to worship Mammon and will lead to an early grave. Besides, it is a rare person who can do something with excellence when money is the only goal.

In other news: the synthetic thyroid hormone I've been taking for the past ten days has given me more energy, a slight improvement in my appetite, and my skin is a bit smoother as well. Yesterday I went on a 6 hour hike on the Appalachian Trail and felt good. Normally I would feel completely exhausted and sleep 12 hours straight like someone in a coma. So, things are definitely looking up.



This is a map of yesterday's hike. I parked at the Humpback Rocks Visitor Center, which has it's own pet raven lurking around the parking area eating tidbits from visitors, and proceeded south for 6 miles.



There is also a farm from the 1890s by the visitor's center. This is one of the restored houses.

29 March 2012

Inspiration and how not to be a dragon

The first step to receiving inspiration from something is to simply watch it.

Observe it closely as if you were a child again. Children have no pre-conceived notions about the laws of the universe and are pleasantly surprised by everything that happens.

Every experience is a novelty and a date with adventure. As we grow older, we become set in our ways. We get callouses on our eyes and ears and filter reality through dirty glasses. We grow scales that in time harden.

More scales. More time. More hardening of the heart and soul.

We turn into dragons. We forget our true nature as soft fleshy creatures with a passion for things unknown. We lose our curiosity for mystery and adventure and retreat to our caves. We horde over beds of gold we call treasure.

The Creator of Life wants us to shed our dragon skin and become real humans. If you ask Him, He will be more than happy to remove it for you. But be prepared. Removing dragon skin can be quite the lengthy process and be a bit uncomfortable. But after the scales are removed, you will be free to travel and discover again.



Picture is from the Xinwei Ancient Life Fossils Museum in Anshun, Guizhou, China.

Connections



Sometimes I think God made the stars to be used as points of direction. Connecting the dots will lead directly to Him. And then...

A Letter to a Friend

All things were once thinks, but not all thinks become things.

To think and not do...to merely daydream...is like promising your girl a vacation window-shopping along the streets of Paris but never buying the plane ticket.

A maker of things from his own thinks is called an artist and a writer.

To think and construct is to reveal the hidden things of reality that the Creator has secretly revealed to your spirit. This is the purpose of the artisan and lover of words.

Not everyone has this gift. It is rare, and like gemstones hidden in the bowels of the earth, quite valuable.

They see pictures in their minds and transfer the abstract reality to the concrete world of atoms and molecules and in doing so, reveal a tiny part of the complex personality of God. The world, even in their fallen nature, recognize their broken-ness, perhaps are not able to articulate exactly why they are broken...they just sense something is terribly wrong within them and things can and should be much better, and are attracted to the works of the artist/writer and hence to the Creator.

You are more important than you think you are.

28 March 2012

Workin' Man



As you can tell by the picture I'm hard at work now.

Actually I'm finished and munching on tacos and watching the thunderstorms roll in whilst Zeus throws lightning bolts around to liven things up a bit.

27 March 2012

Fortunes in sugar and flour

'Don't pass up a once-in-a-lifetime offer'

This was in the little fortune cookie I received this afternoon.

I'm in Berkeley Springs, WV for a couple of days this week for work. Tiny town. One main street and some side streets. It's sandwiched in between two state parks and some Civil War battlefields. Its peaceful here. Quaint. Rustic. Homely. And there is a small castle nearby to boot.



Castles are the perfect homes. As long as they're properly furnished with rugs, tapestries, libraries, statues, paintings...

I'd like to be married in one--someday.

26 March 2012



picture from wallpapervortex.com

Christians are a different species of man. And this may sound spooky, but they glow. They radiate light from their spirit. It's true. You'll have to ask somebody who studies theology more than me to explain why, but here's what I think happens. When a person gives up (and this can be nearly impossible without help) their life to God--completely--their spirit somehow gets re-ignited--hence the glowing. After a time, the spirit of a man gets restless and turns naturally towards the purpose he was created. He cannot help but do otherwise. He will also be drawn towards others whose calling is similar to their own and desire to walk in parallel with them along Life's journey.

The Artist: Evelyn Underhill says in her book 'Mysticism'...stick with me here...the purpose of the mystic is to 'actualise within the world of time and space, perhaps by great endeavours in the field of heroic action or by small ones in the field and market, that more real life, that holy creative energy which the world manifests but indifferently.'

I like this. She also goes on to say...and I'm paraphrasing from the last chapter of the book...and have made it a sort of motto for life.

-work for mercy, order, beauty, and significance
-mend where you find things broken
-make where you find the need
-bring the Real Presence from it's hiddenness and exhibit it before the eyes of men

'For the teeming life of nature has yielded up to your loving attention many sacramental images of Reality, it is far more significant than what you supposed. So proclaim by your existence the grandeur, the beauty, the intensity, the living wonder of that Eternal Reality within which, at this moment, you stand.'

When I read this yesterday, I hurriedly scribbled down the words (since I felt like she was speaking to me) and consider it good and useful advice. It's one thing to wander about all creation like a hermit, seeing things others don't. But some time sooner or later you've got to use your talents lest they dry up and turn brittle.

Life Lessons

Some lessons in Life are hard to deal with. One of the lessons I've learned is that if you gaze at a beautiful woman long enough, she turns to stone.

Another thing I've learned is tyrants do not respond to words alone. Force must be used.

A third thing I have discovered is this: one must practice one's talent, and practice, and practice. For the day may come when somebody will need help that only you can provide. And if you are rusty and dry the other person may go to sleep before their time.

Eternity

“Eternity is with us, inviting our contemplation perpetually, but we are too frightened, lazy, and suspicious to respond; too arrogant to still our thought, and let divine sensation have its way. It needs industry and goodwill if we would make that transition; for the process involves a veritable spring-cleaning of the soul, a turning-out and rearrangement of our mental furniture, a wide opening of closed windows, that the notes of the wild birds beyond our garden may come to us fully charged with wonder and freshness, and drown with their music the noise of the gramaphone within. Those who do this, discover that they have lived in a stuffy world, whilst their inheritance was a world of morning-glory:where every tit-mouse is a celestial messenger, and every thrusting bud is charged with the full significance of life.”

― Evelyn Underhill, Practical Mysticism: A Little Book for Normal People

Lunch

Pecking at the possible is the fare of mediocre men, but God expects us to be diners at the table of impossibility.

Day 5

This is the fifth day since I have been taking Levothyroxin (synthetic thyroid hormone) and I haven't noticed any significant changes. I do feel a slight bit better but this may be because I know I'm ingesting a chemical my body doesn't make much of anymore. I am also decreasing my daily runs to every other day and walking or bicycling the other days.

Does this mean I will have to cancel my big Seattle marathon plans in June? I think not. I may run the half-marathon instead...or simply run half the standard marathon and walk the second half. That will be a game day decision.

One effect I have noticed is the ability to concentrate better. Its a little odd knowing you've spent the last few years constantly forgetting small things like the location of your car keys. Once I even lost a pair of shoes...

I thinking writing every day helps mentally. Putting words down on paper exercises the brain and forces it to make neuronal connections that would otherwise never existed. Its like going out into the woods with a bulldozer and building new hiking paths for future explorations.

More later...

24 March 2012

Repeating History

"The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers."

--Socrates...2,400 years ago...apparently history does repeat itself

23 March 2012

Marriage = Man + Woman

'Gay marriage' to me is like having a surgeon surgically implant a tail on somebody's backside so they can change their species from 'man' to 'ape.'

Hoppers and Snakes

3:11 P.M.

Just returned from another 7 mile run/walk/slog through the Virginia countryside. I saw the first grasshopper today and a second dead snake in the road. This definately confirms the arrival of Spring.

I also discovered yesterday I have pretty bad hypothyoidism and have started taking synthetic hormones to replace the ones my body has decided to stop making. This would explain my somewhat depressed behavior the last few years and my extreme lethargy where I would feel like I was camping out on Mt. Everest. Hypothyroidism means your metabolism is basically half that of normal. Even thinking is hard. (Hopefully) the thyroid hormones work and the fogginess lifts from my brain. I don't promise these posts will become more normal though. I still intend them to be quirky...and hopefully more lucid.

22 March 2012

Read the Bible

Contrary to popular opinion, Noah's wife was NOT Joan of Arc...

21 March 2012

Running

Running is hard.

No doubt about it.

I ran 7 miles today and coughed nearly the entire way. I'm training for a marathon see. Twenty-six miles and 385 yards on foot on pavement through downtown Seattle in June. I have been running and walking for a minimum of 1 hour/day. Believe it or not, I've not lost any weight. This is somewhat a mystery to me as I only eat twice a day.

Tomorrow I've a doctor's appointment to see if I have hypothyroidism. This is an underactive thyroid gland. Some symptoms include low red blood cell count, high cholesterol, depression, lethargy (like you're living at 15,000 feet altitude), and a very low metabolism. I hope this isn't the case, but if it is, it certainly is not the end of the world.

It's also the first day of spring. I can tell because yesterday I saw the first dead snake in the road for this year. Dead reptiles are generally how people in Virginia tell when Old Man Winter goes north for the next 9 months.
"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily."

--Zig Ziglar, as seen in one of my daily work e-mails

19 March 2012

Rune Stones



I discovered these strange runes last week whilst hiking on the Appalchian trail. I have no explanation.

13 March 2012

The Eve of the Eve of the Ides of March

In celebration I ran 7 miles on a hot dusty road bordered by grassy fields that smelled of cow manure and fertilizer under the watchful eyes of many horses and a herd of dairy cows.

And for those of you who still read this blog...I ate two cinnamon pop tarts stuck together with peanut butter and a half quart of pomegranate-flavored green tea for breakfast. And for lunch/dinner I ate a plate of whole-wheat spaghetti using turkey as the meat instead of hamburger.

And if you still are here, reading or clipping your nails, I am wearing black adidas pants with a black long-sleeved cotton shirt and chewing blue gum.

I'm procrastinating, of course, and simply am posting these words until a wave of inspiration hits me in the back of the forehead...or the front of the forehead or...

I just remembered. I read the last half of Lance Armstrong's book It's Not About the Bike this morning.

OK. Times up. I'm through procrastinating.

01 March 2012

One March Twenty-Twelve

Once upon a time I used to update Puddleglum's Wigwam with something close to regularity. Then I got writer's block which is merely another name for linguistic constipation. The l.c. caused my cerebellum to undergo a depression in which all looked dark and bleak, with the sun a mere memory. I purchased some fluorescent bulbs to stimulate my neurons into believing I was vacationing on Mercury.

This did not work.

Fluorescent bulbs only emit light along a small wavelength...like a laser, not actual daylight, and the depression continued. I grew more depressed and considered my life in this great cosmic consciousness called the Here and Now.

"I have come quite a ways since the There and Then," I said to my Id. "And what do I have to show for it? I have been grokking merrily in circles in 4-D reality and seemed to have come to a dead end."

A book of quotes told me a dead end is a rut and a rut is a trench and a trench is a coffin with both ends cut out. I thought long and hard about this maxim and briefly considered a career in professional luging. This is the sport where you lay prostrate on a piece of metal and careen madly down a long icy rut until you come to a screeching halt into the nearest Coke machine.

I chose not to pursue this field.

I considered joining a Buddhist monastery and meditating in the lotus position for eight hours...channeling and focusing...trying to reach bliss. Bliss is another name for Nirvana. They say its the spot you come to after you completely empty your mind of all thoughts. They also say Nirvana is not all it's cracked up to be, in fact, its a little like Cleveland during winter. Nirvana also sounds uncannily similar to watching late night infomercials...with all the channeling and focusing.

Not good.

The journey continued.

I explored facial yoga. One of the exercises required me to hold the toothbrush in a stationary position with the bristles resting against my teeth. Then, I proceeded to defy all societal norms,(with the notable exception of this neat little alchemical society in Luxembourg I discovered later), and rotate my jaw bone to and fro like a jig-saw.

Dizziness ensued.

According to Martha Stewart Living, the magazine-not the actual Martha Stewart, the best cure for dizziness is ginger root. The root, sold in powdered form at Wal-Marts everywhere (thank Sam!) is taken orally by mouth or mixed with herbal tea 2-4 times daily. The result is a complete lack of dizziness and a whole lot of sleepiness.

I tried it. I liked it. And shall continue to use it.

Even if it does make one feel like Cleveland...in summer.

10 February 2012

Hieroglyphics

I wonder what it would have been like in ancient Egypt to woo a woman using hierglyphics...

30 January 2012



Finally!...Finally!...someone has created something more important than the wheel and better than sliced bread.

Somebody give this inventor the Peace Prize.

24 January 2012

Falling in love is the most dangerous thing in the world. Not falling in love is the second most dangerous thing in the world. Either way you look at it, your life will have danger so you might as well enjoy it. And take plenty of notes so somebody else can read your story long after you're gone.


We need more of these on the streets of America.


Write right now.

23 January 2012

Marathon Training

When you've been running outside so long that when you see a herd of cows...and forget cows are called...cows...and in your mind you call them 'shaggy fur beasts'...it is time to go home.

22 January 2012

"Storytelling is always relationship. It is the means by which we both-the teller and the told-enter into it and experience the same thing."

--from The Art of Story in Mars Hill Review 19, page 60

21 January 2012



Image courtesy of Joel Robinson

“Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”

--G.K. Chesterton

Running 101

In exactly 22 weeks I will run this race.




In this city.




With these people.

When I was 4-years-old, Santa told me his name was also Jason. Christmas was never the same after that.


Some Hip Hop Diggedy Coolness


Item #1 + item #2 equals much goodness when mixed in item #3.


Any patch of sunlight in a wood will show you something about the sun which you could never get from reading books on astronomy. These pure and spontaneous pleasures are “patches of Godlight” in the woods of our experience.

--C.S. Lewis in ‘Letters from Malcolm’

"Cock your hat - angles are attitudes." --Frank Sinatra
Journals are detachable appendages and everybody should have one.

--Jason Michael Shuttlesworth
"Words are cold, muddy toads trying to understand sprites dancing in a field."

--Yann Martel, 'Beatrice and Virgil' pg. 114


Too true.

06 January 2012

Letters I sent the newspaper but never never got published (part 2)

Dear Sir who owns the dog that tried to bite me as I was running down the road this morning,

Benjie is dead.

Due to a freak accident involving my car, a piece of hamburger, and an unforeseen twitch in my arm just as I was driving past your house, the dog formally known as the Fauna of Mordor is now laying peacefully in an unmarked ditch resting contently.

Yours Truly.

27 December 2011

Letters I sent the newspaper but never never got published

Dear Young people Under the Age of Thirty Who Don't Trust People Over the Age of Thirty,

It is never polite to refer to your Christmas gifts as 'loot and booty.'

I know, I know-you say it is what it is, but what it is is not necessarily what you think it is. Loot and booty generally is stuff that is captured by pirates, heathen pagan warlords, and the occasional uncircumcised Philistine. Swords and eyeliner must also be worn.

So please, stop the madness.

Sincerely,

A Person over Thirty.


And now-some news.

I went to West Virginia over the week-end to celebrate Christmas and my birthday. WV is the only state where you see an sign on the interstate that reads, 'moonshine-Exit 135.' I also saw a full grown camel that a fellow apparently has as a pet.

15 December 2011

Page 32.5

“You will contact me as soon as he arrives then,” said Lt. Jones.

“Yes Sir.”

Lt. Jones turned on his heels and returned to his office.

The fact that Maurice was not at work the very day he went to see him seemed odd. Upon arriving at his own office, Lt. Jones checked the employee database for Mr. Blue’s first name. No such name existed in Z-Tech’s M.O.B. computers.

‘Was it possible Ms. Skipper lied to me?’ he thought. ‘Surely not. Lying is specifically forbidden under section 43C-2M of the official Z-Tech Employee Handbook.’

One of Lt. Jones’ secondary functions in the M.O.B. was updating the Rules and Regulations of the handbook as well as adding new ones. When he began the job, the handbook consisted of a twenty page folder that collected dust in a dark corner of the M.O.B. employee lounge. Workers sometimes opened it just long enough to rip out one of the ‘intentionally left blank’ pages for use as a coffee filter. The current edition consisted of 457 pages of crisp, clean, double-spaced, MLA-formatted, waterproof, tabbed, 32-lb, 100% cotton paper complete with an atlas, glossary, and partial concordance.

In his free time, Lt. Jones was working on a final section concerning his suggestions about how employees could optimize their own free time while on company time-thus saving the company time by shunting personal time to work time. The new section would be called ‘Ponderations’ and was to be written in a manner similar to a telephone directory/Aesop’s Fables hybrid. It was a work-in-progress requiring his own specialized expertise that he believed…well who knew what the Lieutenant believed. I’m only the writer of this story and Lt. Jones was in another world.

12 December 2011

Racin' cows


Just had my first (unintentional) race with a Holstein. I won, but now she has a crush on me. (note: pic is not the actual cow. Actual cow had earring #42)

28 November 2011

Mediocrites

Mediocrites was the name of the trash collector in ancient Rome. One day he got a job at the Circus Maximus with the only caveat being he had to change his name from Mediocrites to Media. His new job required him to give trash away rather than collect it. He became quite popular since most Romans rarely received trash and thought it was a gift of the gods. It wasn't long after this Rome fell.

17 November 2011

Slavery

I don’t know why people, most people, insist on doing the wrong things in Life. Take slavery. Why is it still alive and well? Seriously? What goes on in a person’s mind that makes them force another human being to do things against their will? It can only be supreme selfishness, and even then selfish people are not truly happy forcing others to satisfy their cravings. The slave holder is not satisfied, can’t be, because they’re not doing what they’ve been designed to do in Life. If you’re doing something that is wrong, there is no possible way for you to be happy and fulfilled-even if it is a good thing. Even the good things in Life are bad if done at the wrong time and the wrong place. But in slavery, one forces another to do something against their will in order to do something that is truly against one’s own will-a double whammy.

Everyone intuitively knows the difference between Right and Wrong…at least in the big things. We all know, intuitively, we shouldn’t torture babies. It’s one of those things we simply cannot NOT know. What, I think, happens is the slave holders repress what is intuitively obvious…rationalize it using Darwinism…and keep on doing this until their conscious becomes seared.

Once the conscious is seared, they’re disconnected from the Creator and Sustainer of Life and it is only a period of time before they lose their humanity. They turn into a mere beast, become a feral human, ruled by their immediate sensations and feelings. And then…go completely insane.

This is why it is nearly impossible to convince slaveholders of their error using words alone. They need a word picture, a story, something artistic to jolt them to their senses before it is too late. For after a time, the only thing that will work…the only way to deal with slavery…is to use force.

31 October 2011

novel excerpt

He sensed a presence, the Presence, a great spirit, an almost tangible presence cover him like a cloak. It warmed his spirit. His heart burned within him. He felt lighter than air, then, as sometimes happens in dreams, Maurice saw himself gliding in the air. He knew. He felt. The knowing was larger than his mind could handle and yet he felt at ease. Largeness. Power. He caught a momentary glimpse of a mountain lake surrounded by spires of black granite. Wreaths of smoke, or fog, seemed to dance around the stones and a strange light flashed back and forth over the water. Was it lightning? The vision passed and he jerked awake. The vision haunted him. It left him thirsty for more. He felt a deep melancholy, a longing, a certain nostalgia for something more...a unknown thing that lived in a higher reality calling to him. A tear. He felt his cheeks moisten. The Presence still lingered as an exotic perfume, then dissipated. He felt it before during his younger days-always between sleeping and waking. He fell into a trance. In the darkness before dawn, a dread and dark heaviness covered him and he heard a voice say...

17 October 2011

Page 32

Lt. Jones waited for precisely thirty more minutes after Maurice unknowingly left the office. The thought that the Mr. Blue fellow bore a faint resemblance to the man in the videos, at least from behind, grew on him. The secretary’s eyes were bloodshot as well, he noticed. When he arrived, they were large, and glossy, and green, and eyed him with a great deal of sincerity or boredom.

Twenty-eight days to find Mr. Perez and bring him before the Velkladdeur,’ he thought. ‘And still no Maurice Perez insight.’

This disturbed him and felt illogical. To compensate he played an old mind puzzle. He put one and one together and got two. He put one and one together again and got eleven. ‘Ah, now we’re getting somewhere,’ he told himself. Another rearrangement of one and one gave him a stick and he was holding the short end of it. He scratched the RFID chip in his arm and felt his biological clock produce extraordinarily loud tick-tocking sounds with his internal sub-woofer.

“Miss Skipper?”

“Yes, Mr. Jones.”

“The Blue fellow that was just here?”

“Mr. Blue, yes?”

“That wasn’t Mr. Perez was it?

Candy tried very hard not to blink as she replied, “No sir, that was Mr. Blue.”

“Is Mr. Perez coming to work today? I really haven’t much time to spare.” As he said this he slipped a hidden microphone disguised as a paperclip onto Candy’s cluttered desk. It would be safe there as Candy apparently never used paperclips.

In her effort not to blink, she began blinking at twice her normal blink rate. Lt. Jones took this as a good sign…as a complement…and was under the impression she was flirting with him. He unconsciously stuck his chest out.

“You’ll be the first to know,” she said, now blinking at approximately 1 blink/second.

Lt. Jones, in turn, increased his own blink rate from 1 blink/minute to 1.1 blinks/minute. He was stressed and made a mental note to add to his daily list.

06 October 2011

Page 31.5

The initials LTJ kept her from sleep and her intuition warned her Maurice’s life was in danger and under no circumstances should this L.T.J. character (whoever that was) ever meet him.

Polly called Maurice and got his voicemail. A metallic voice said, “The number you have just dialed is out of satellite range. Please try again at another time. Good-bye.”

The very thought of Maurice falling into the wrong hands made her blood run chill. He hadn’t mentioned taking a spontaneous trip, so she figured he must be in some vast underground vault or tunnel...or possibly hiking in the vast deserted scarred lands between Goshen, Canaan, and that hideously ugly pyramid thing. She whistled. She decided as soon as it was daylight to talk with Jakob Walder.

The very next morning at the crack of dawn, or shortly after the crack of dawn, or rather what Polly thought should be the crack of dawn, and was closer to 8:30 A.M., Malachi roared to life and sped down the road carrying a pensive Miss Polly B. Frottin. The destination was the Dew Drop Inn. The purpose was to seek advice from Mr. Jakob Warder. The secondary purpose was to order the special of the day, ‘Lean Eggs and Spam.’ The spam, she decided, was not going to be eaten, but fed to Scrap Iron. The lean eggs, well, that would need tested and written about for the Sunday article.

Polly and Malachi ground to a halt at 9:00 A.M. sharp in the parking lot of the inn. Unfortunately, a culinary drone from Z-tech also happened to grind to a float over the treetops at the same time. Nobody really ever understood the purpose of the culinary drones. Most assumed their purpose was to spy on unsuspecting picnickers to gather data for the types of food being eaten. Some blamed it on a vast conspiracy, so said a major conspiracy-theory group based in the newest Canadian province of Connecticut that, among other things, believed Martha Stewart was still living albeit under the assumed name of Marsha Stuart. In fact, bumper stickers proclaiming ‘Martha Lives!’ were popular among some of the more devout members.

The culinary drones often zapped small furry animals for no apparent reason, and as the opposite of luck would have it, Scrap Iron got struck with a bolt of high energy photons at the same instant Polly stepped from her car. It has been said cats have nine lives, and maybe they do. Dogs do not. And so, Scrap Iron…guardian of the front porch at the Dew Drop Inn…affectionate companion of Russell and Buck…watcher of the eternal chess game…and sleeper on the dirty rug by the old wood stove, let out a last, long, doggy groan that sounded very much like the Icelandic word for rust.

It was a time of sadness, as Polly patted Scrap Iron’s head one final time. Russell, Buck, and Ell, (Jakob was mysteriously late), buried him in the backyard of the Inn. Between the two odd fellow’s Rhino and an ancient, boxy, atm-like object inscribed with the words Ms Pac-Man. The sides were painted with an obese anthropomorphic bacterium and she wore a yellow ribbon. The burial was short. The final eulogy consisted of a few sighs, some coughs, and half a dropper of tears.

Jakob arrived fifteen minutes later.

Page 30.5...(yes, I know its been awhile)

Sometime later, Maurice didn’t know how much later since his watch stopped running somewhere between the 143rd and 1,357th pothole, they arrived at a pyramidal-shaped rock formation that resembled those the Aztecs constructed. The pyramid, constructed 30 years previous by the Goshen Waste Management Division, was composed of 3.16 billion tons of compacted trash covered with a thick layer of soil. It was 870 meters tall, visible from space, and either the 16th or the 18th Wonder of the New World depending on which poll you followed. Curiously enough, the pyramid had no name and was simply referred to as Mount @ by Googlepedia. The Nekton considered it holy and regularly made pilgrimages to its flanks. Another interesting fact was the Nekton, once in the shadow of Mt. @, ceased speaking their spoken language and used their unspoken language, one that consisted solely of whistling. In the whistling language, Mt @ was represented by a long drawn-out expiration of air that lasted 3 to 4 seconds then generally petered off into silence, and sometimes, a faint grunt-like sound. Incidentally, this also happened to be the same exact thing tourists uttered during bad car accidents in Goshen. This often led to a great deal of confusion during Goshenite-Nektonian interactions particularly during rush hour traffic.

On the eastern side of Mt. @ stood a long low concrete building painted ash-grey to resemble a long low ash-grey rock. Four feet above the ground, Jakob grabbed an oblong rock that was attached to the wall and twisted. A bit of dust settled to the ground and an outline to a door appeared, then opened.

25 September 2011

Man was made for others. Admiring yourself in the mirror of your soul will cause you to bow down to your shadow self. Later, your knees will become calloused stubs and resemble feet. Then your hands will undergo the same process in the futile attempt to see your, now distorted, shadow. Eventually, the eyes will become larger, the feet diminish, and your life will be one long painful crawl in the dust of loneliness.

It’s better to complement, to love, and help others. It’s really the best way to grow.

15 September 2011

Maxims

"Speak softly and carry a big stick."
--old Kenyan saying often attributed to Winston Churchill

"And if that doesn't work-use it."
--Jason M. Parrish

13 September 2011

Story

Every person has a role in Life. Everyone has a niche to fill. We all are in a great story, that only the end of time will reveal.

12 September 2011

Page 31...or close

Polly arrived home exhausted. She slumped into a chair fully determined to read the first three chapters of the newest best-seller entitled Prey Love, Eat. It was the first (and hopefully last) novel written by the Entomological Society of America that chronicled the romantic adventures of an oft-marrying female preying mantis named Nancy during her sojourns through the Olympic Mountains of the Pacific Northwest.

Five minutes later she fell asleep and dreamed she was walking through the largest house she had ever seen. The number of cobwebs seemed a bit much and with each passing minute her apprehension grew. Somebody in the house needed her help. She felt the desperation and waning hope of somebody she knew, and as she explored the rooms, the sense of that somebody drew her like a magnet.

She came to a room full of books and an enormous hand-carved wooden table in the center. Beside the table was a chair with purple velvety cushions. She pulled a dusty book from the shelves. It contained nothing but blank pages. She took another and discovered it was blank as well.

How remarkably,’ she thought.

She flipped through three more books and discovered they too were blank.

“I must fill these books with words,” she said and sat down to write.

‘Hmm…what to write, what to write?” She thought. “Let’s see. Once upon a time…” Her mind drew a blank. The cobwebs, she noticed, were increasing in number. Her anxiety increased. She started anew and felt something tickle her foot. It was a spider inscribed with the letter E on its abdomen and it was methodically wrapping silk around her toes.

“Eek!” she screamed and beat the creature with the book. Polly carefully tossed the dead spider into the trash only to discover it was not quite as dead as she hoped. Nor was the creature happy. Furthermore, the letter E had been turned upside down, (or she had been looking at it wrong), and was now twice its size. The E was really three letters written in calligraphy and read,

L T J

“Enough is enough,” she said and ran out of the room only to trip over the body of Maurice, laying in a coma, and covered with cobwebs.

She awoke in a cold sweat. The clock read 3:33 A.M. and tears filled her eyes.

25 August 2011

Page 30...approximately

There’s a certain exhilaration people feel when they walk off the job knowing that, in the next room over, sits a man whose sole purpose in life (for the next 28 days) is to find you and drag you screaming, or kicking, or both, to the Velkladdeur—the second most mysterious man on the planet. The most mysterious man on the planet is so mysterious nobody knows anything about him, hence does not appear (as far as I know) in this book.

Once outside, Maurice felt able to breathe comfortably.

Two women and a little boy walked past. He followed them.

Another person stepped in line. Then another. Soon, a small crowd of people were making their way towards a complex of dome-shaped buildings a mile away…the Hives. Maurice felt compelled to investigate. The closer the buildings, the greater the sense of evil grew on him.

The air seemed heavier, thicker. And, “are my eyes getting blurry?” He wondered.

The crowd walked by a gravel parking lot. “Now is my chance. I’ll act like I’m going to my car, then duck out of site until everybody is gone.”

Maurice scrambled three feet down a dusty path and surveyed the lot.

“Let’s see now. What kind of a car would Mr. Perez, ex-lab technician at Z-Tech drive? The white Mustang? Nope. Too flashy. The black Ford SUV? It would be easy to hide under, but too hot in the April sun. And in this corner we have a green Jeep. Ahh, just right.”

Maurice walked to a dirty Wrangler and peered inside. “Whoever drives this thing must have stock in McDonalds and Marlboro.” The floor was littered with cigarette butts and Big Mac wrappers. It was an older model Jeep, one that required you to punch in a numeric password to open. Unlike the newer versions that only required one to pass your arm over a dash-mounted scanner. The scanner detected the microchip in your arm or ID bracelet, and presto. . .the door unlocked itself. In the decade since Government Motors began building cars with the scanners, automobile thefts dropped to virtually zero. Still, some people refused to purchase new cars and relied on pre-2015 models.

“Ow! Let me go!” shouted a voice. Maurice heard scuffling at the end of the parking lot. Two men wearing identical clothing; black pants, black shirt, and black shoes, were arresting somebody. The Sweep Patrol.

In a matter of seconds, the Sweep Patrollers subdued the man, scanned him, and subjected him to a breath test on their portable GC-MS systems that monitored volatile organic compounds, or VOC’s, that were considered markers for various disease. They also told you what food you ate, how much, and where you purchased it.

A crowd gathered around the scene like a pack of hyenas. And like hyenas, they laughed and stared at the prisoner.

Maurice threw himself to the ground and rolled under the Jeep. He didn’t hear or see the man in black watching him. So when a face appeared some time after the mass of people had passed by, he thought for certain he was caught.

Maurice wanted to crawl away and die. He rolled to his side and saw the face of a tall, thin, grey-haired man with a beak of a nose staring at him. It was Jakob Warder.

“I thought you would be here. He kicked Maurice’s foot. “You awake or not?” He smiled and continued, “sleeping your life away?”

He crawled from under the jeep and looked at Jakob like he had never seen him before.

“Come on. We’ve got to get away from this place,” said Jakob. “Are you ready to for an adventure?”

“Believe me. I’m more than ready.” Maurice crawled from under the jeep and shook his hand. A prickly sensation ran up his arm.

Jakob said, “You wouldn’t believe the trouble I went through to get here. Thankfully, I caught you before you went to the Hives.”

“Hives?”

“Yeah,” he pointed to the dome-shaped buildings. “Sure you are all right?”

“A little light-headed. Why don’t you go on ahead without me. I’ll catch up in a bit.”

”You might find that more difficult than you think.” He looked to the Sweep Patrollers-now placing their hand-cuffed prisoner into a dark sedan. “Come on now. My ride is by the Hives. We’ll take it.”

They joined the parade of people walking to the Hives. The dusty path was nearly a mile from the parking lot to the first of the Hive buildings. With each step, Maurice found the presence of evil growing stronger. A half-mile away and his breathing increased notably. His head hurt and his palms became sweaty. He looked to his traveler friend, whistling away as if he hadn’t a care in the world.

“Who is this guy?” thought Maurice. “And why is he going toward the Hives?”

“Where am I going?” said Jakob. “You’ll see.”

Maurice’s nerves, stressed all morning, nearly burst at this last comment. They continued in silence.

The first building loomed directly in front of them. People were entering the glass doors that encircled the building at ground level. Nobody was leaving-just entering like a gigantic mouth. Swallowing people. Devouring people. His head throbbed.

“Look here, Mr. Warder. I hate to break the news to you, but I’m feeling a little sick. How about I catch up with you tomorrow?”

“Can you promise you have a tomorrow? What do you think you’ll find when you get back to 331 Newport Street?”

“Maurice stopped and looked at Jakob. “How do you know where I live?” The moment the words came out of his mouth, he realized his mistake.

“I know about you than you think,” said Jakob. “Perhaps even more than you know about yourself,” and in a barely audible voice added, “Mr. Blue.”

They arrived at the front of the building and walked around it. Maurice felt like walking through jelly. He felt compelled to run into the nearest glass door and scream, “Let me in!”

“Don’t do it,” said Jakob in a calm but stern voice. “Keep walking. Look straight ahead. The Hives have a hypnotic music that draws people.”

They came to a short grassy hill with steps leading down to a paved lot with half a dozen white vehicles stenciled with the letters TGC on their sides. In addition to a few motorcycles. “Trans-Genic Center. That’s what the letters stand for. You wanted to know.”

This was indeed what Maurice wanted to know. He said nothing. They stopped by a TGC-stenciled BMW motorcycle.

Jakob undid a clasp on the bike and produced two helmets. He pressed a switch inside them and gave one to Maurice. “This trip might be a little rough. Put this in your ear.” He gave him an earpiece with a transparent wire attached to it. “You’ll have to twist it a little to get it in there.”

Maurice inserted it into his hear with the end of the wire in front of his mouth. “It feels like a pencil eraser stuck in my ear.”

“You’ll get used to it. Won’t even know it’s there after awhile.”

Jakob pressed a switch on his watch and talked. Maurice heard his voice, loud and clear, and faintly metallic, in his ear. “Works by infrared. Useful when you don’t want people listening in on random radio-linked voices.” Maurice got the idea.

Jakob and Maurice jumped on the BMW and headed to the front of the first Hive. They made a sharp right and drove leisurely past four more identical Hive buildings on the same road. Maurice found that the evil presence seemed muted with the helmet. Soon, they passed the fifth Hive.

The road continued on past some abandoned warehouses. Then it led through a massive junkyard of scrapped cars, office machines, and old airplanes. The road became worse and pockmarked with holes. At times, great sections of the road were completely eroded. Jakob carefully threaded his way down the eroded banks and up the other sides. After a time, the junk disappeared until all he saw was a desolate wasteland. No trees, plants, and no farms. Simply an enormous wasteland of rocks and sand.

“We’re going to my place near Canaan Valley,” said Jakob suddenly.

“A little dusty, isn’t it? Why so much dust?”

“Can’t see much. Dust covers hidden cameras, and is hard on equipment. Makes it easy to hide from prying eyes. Useful when you want to be hidden and sometimes you just need peace and quiet.”

“You can hide for only so long before the satellites find you.”

“Not if you’re underground.”

“You live in a hole in the ground. . .like a hobbit?”

“Err, not quite.”

Maurice heard a throaty, thumping sound-like a helicopter. Ahead of them, and to their left, another road joined theirs. A cloud of dust was moving along it caused by a large boxy vehicle with large squares sticking out the sides. Jakob gunned the BMW’s engine hoping to arrive at the intersection before the other car. They arrived the same time, but as the road widened at this point, the two vehicles didn’t collide.

The boxy car, now only a few feet from them and parallel, had an open cockpit and looked to be made of yellow concrete. The two side squares were fairly curved, and swept back. The driver, wearing a helmet and goggles, didn’t look at them. The noise was deafening.

“What is it?” asked Maurice.

“Rhino.”

Maurice looked at the large, lumbering, sand-colored square upon wheels. Black smoke belched from its rear. It smelled like sulfur. The two wings moved slightly and extended outward. At once Jakob shot forward ahead of the Rhino.

They’re hydrogen powered,” came Jakob’s tinny voice over the sound. “Those two wings are boosters. You don’t want to be behind a Rhino when those things fire up. It’s like being stuck behind a jet engine-and very loud.” Maurice wondered if anything could get louder. “They also fire rockets from the wings.”

Jakob increased his speed and soon the Rhino was merely another lumbering dust cloud.

“Friend of yours?”

“Hardly. Rhino operators are not overly friendly. They’re rough people. I call the drivers Ruff and Gruff. Those guys only shave about three times a month and you can never understand what they’re saying. Russell and Buck drive them for a living in between chess matches.

“I’m confused,” said Maurice.

“I’ll explain later.”

“Please do.”

21 August 2011

Page 29.75

Candy took out a pen and scribbled furiously on a notepad that, curiously enough, had the words Today's Novel Idea printed at the top. She wrote the following.

Lt. Jones and the Velkladdeur are looking for you. Asking lots of questions. Not safe here. Knows you mised The Call yesterday and didn't go to Hives. Lt. Jones is here-now in waiting room. Must leave!!

"Here you go Mr. Blue," and she handed Maurice the note.

"I see," Maurice replied. He stared thoughfully for a moment then whispered. "I'll keep in touch-somehow. Goodbye Candy."

Candy could only nod and whispered a barely audible, "Goodbye Maurice."

15 August 2011

Page 29.5

The next day when Maurice went to work, his I.D. would not immediately scan. After consulting with the electronic guard, he was finally allowed to enter the building.

Candy eyed him suspiciously. She was also dressed auspiciously-for her anyways. She wore a classy dark blue pinstripe pants suit with a Celtic necklace inscribed with the words anam cara on the outer rim and with the English translation soul friend on the inner rim, and to all appearances seemed like a normal secretary with her serious demeanor.

“Good morning, Mr. Blue.”

“Morning, Candy.”

“We’ve had a visitor this morning and the visitor is still visiting.”

It was apparent Candy was nervous and overly business-like. Maurice knew something was wrong when she pointed with her eyes and shoulder towards the waiting room and whispered.

“Mr. Rumple Steelskin is here…from the MOB.”

“Rumple?”

“Yes, Mr. Blue.”

“Mr. Rumple…er…Mr. Wolf.”

“Why?”

“Mr. Wolf was asking for directions to Grandma’s house.”

“Grandma’s house?”

“Er…yes….and since Mr. Lumberjack wasn’t around to …you know, ax Mr. Wolf properly himself…I sent him to the visitor’s lounge.” She then nodded vigorously and opened her eyes wider than he thought possible. Maurice was thoroughly confused by this time, and Candy…he thought was more than thoroughly confused. He blamed it on an overdose of Lifequility.

“Candy?”

“Uh-huh?”

“What in the world are you talking about?”

10 August 2011

Page 28

“How did you come about to work at Z-Tech in the first place,” asked Polly.

“Once upon a time, I believe it was around 15 B.G. (Before Google), a fellow asked me,

“Do you want a job in Z-Tech’s Culinary Department?”

“I don’t recall exactly what the job entailed but it had something to do with determining the edibleness of wild mushrooms and clinical trials in the first stage of FDA approval. The amount offered was prodigious and my main thought was, ‘hopefully I get into the placebo group.’ But due to a deep-seated aversion to gambling and a very religious upbringing forbidding drugs and alcoholic beverages, apart from Vanilla flavoring, declined the offer.

That’s not to say I didn’t think about it. With the extra money I could start a side business raising emus on a ranch with salmon and trout streams. Emus lay the world’s second largest egg and one can make Faberge-like egg-purses for the rich and fragile. The omelets would be huge…something like 14 regular chicken eggs equals one emu egg with the only danger being a really bad case of Salmonella.

I could quit the part-time gig as an Elmo mascot at the local kid’s museum and tell people I’m an Anthromycologist at parties serving expensive hors d’oeurves consisting of rare fish, goat cheese, and the non-lethal mushrooms. Mrs. Perez, the beautiful, charming, and witty Mrs. Perez…we met at the university cafeteria and knew we were made for each other when we discovered a mutual interest in big birds, trash-can dwelling life forms, and snuffleupagus sightings…would be at my side. The rich people would come bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, and $25 Starbucks gift certificates and sing praises to my name call me blessed one and a really fun guy. I would wax eloquent and give my opinion on alternatives to an NCAA D1 football playoff system called Stimulus II. And when they ask me deep philosophical questions such as,

“How do they punish a Siamese twin if one commits murder?”

I’ll say, “Bring me a sword!” and stall for time until I think of something profound and mutter obscure Latin phrases until…until I direct them to my Emu-Faberge purse web site on the new and improved Max iPad much to the chagrin of the wonderful Mrs. Perez, Proctor and Gamble, and those seeking enlightenment.

“Lesser Sensory Perception (LSP) is the path to true happiness…still stalling…if one hears no evil, sees no evil, or feels no evil, it is only a matter of time until one disbelieves in evil. So when evil comes, one calls it ‘ungoodness.’ Which, technically speaking, is not an actual English word so one might as well re-arrange the letters to make ‘goosed nuns.’ And everybody knows a goosed nun is a rare nun albeit a definite evil.”

Fortunately, the same fellow offered me another job at Z-Tech in the Pharmaceutical Department.”

“This sounds a bit like Jakob’s Predestination.”

“Or Fate,” said Maurice. “I’m still up in the air on the whole Predestination thing. How about yourself? How did you become the lifestyle editor of the Shenandoah Valley Times?”

“Well, my story isn’t quite like yours, but here goes.

Once upon a time not long ago for people with long memories, nor far away for people with access to paved roads, I was in English class studying things that modify other things. I don't know what the things getting modified were, but I couldn’t help but think what a shallow and hollow existence the modifiers must lead knowing their sole purpose was to constantly assure nouns of their true qualities. Dangling participles, hanging gerunds, or uptight adverbs arguing over objects, both directly or indirectly, was a complete mystery such that I felt deeply disturbed by the whole situation and felt compelled to ponder it. After a particularly lonesome noun spent fifteen grueling minutes getting told how wonderful, great, shiny, tall, and querulous it was, I seriously doubted if there was any hope for the little fellow and wondered if guidance counselors felt the same way about kids with consonant-heavy surnames.

After much ponder a sort of melancholy set in. This, coupled to the fact I sat in the back of the class...on a warm sunny day...by an open window...next to a large fan...and behind a rather large classmate led me into deeper thoughts until a mild depression struck. The sort of depression one feels when you discover Santa Claus isn't quite the jolly old Scandinavian you thought and Milo and Otis aren't truly talking animals. Soon, the depression merged into a cat-nap, which in turn merged onto a human nap. And that’s when I discovered the Law of the Conservation of Entropy.”

“Which is?”

“Brains in motion tend to stay in motion, and brains at rest tend to watch hours upon hours of television.”

“And you want your brain to be…?”

“In a constant state of flux. I decided to become a writer, and rest is rapidly becoming a historically significant event in the Book of Life.”


* * *
Candy Skipper was tired. She had planned on a quiet day at work and wanted nothing dramatic, like yesterday’s Call, to impinge upon her daily plans. When she walked into her office, she was surprised to see an official of Z-Tech’s Monitoring Other’s Business section (MOB) waiting for her.

“Candy Skipper?” the man stood and stretched his hand towards her. “Lieutenant Jones from the MOB. How do you do?”

”Fine, thank you.” She didn’t offer to shake his hand. “Can I help you?”

“I’m looking for one of your co-workers-Maurice Perez. We are having some difficulty locating him and thought you might shed some light on his location.”

“Yes. Mr. Perez works here. Is he in any trouble?”

“Oh, no. Nothing of the sort,” he said. “It’s just that yesterday he didn’t go to the Hives when The Call sounded. Is he ill?”

“Not that I know of,” Candy replied. She thought the little man from the MOB a little square and just a little cute. “Did you check his apartment?”

“He’s not there and wasn’t seen last night returning. Does Mr. Perez have a girlfriend?”

“Not to my immediate knowledge. I’m sure he’d tell me if he did.”

“You are sure?”

“Quite sure.” Candy felt it quite silly that her heart skipped a beat at this last question.

“Mr. Perez and you are quite close, are you not?”

“We’re a bit more than casual acquaintances. I’m his secretary, nothing more, nothing less.”

“Is he supposed to be in today?”

“You’re asking the wrong person.” And a lot of them, she thought. “Why don’t you just stick around and wait for him yourself,” she smiled.

The little man from the MOB stared at her blankly.

“Why does the MOB want to see Mr. Perez?”

“Mr. Perez is very important right now. The Velkladdeur himself desires to see him, and I have reasons of my own.”

“Ohh, in that case. . .”

27 July 2011

page 26

“Something happened at the Hives today, Polly. Have you seen the Goshenites? They’ve changed. They look like people who have spent eighteen hours watching reality television. They’ve been hypnotized somehow. I’ve noticed the same effects on the lab mice at Z-Tech.”

“Do tell me, surely you don’t make them watch reality T.V.?”

“No ma’am. We have a policy against animal cruelty. We make they’re lives as pleasant as possible, unfortunately they don’t live long under carefully regulated coddling conditions of comfort. They grow fat and sleepy and like staring at pictures of cheese.”

“What does go on at the Hives?” asked Polly.

“I think some type of population monitoring or human enhancing activities. I’ve heard the word ‘HIVES’ stand for Human Illuminated V…Enhancement S…Nobody seems to know what the ‘V’ and ‘S’ mean. My co-workers tell me it’s like a gigantic hospital and gaming amusement park. Nobody truly knows except the Perfectabilists who run the place. Some of our own scientists are rumored to be members of that secretive lot.”

“Do you like your job at Z-Tech?”

“You’re the first person to ask me. It’s fun building alien-seeking drones, but lately they’ve started to act odd.”

“It sounds as if you have some reservations and want out of the company.”

“Nobody ever really gets out from Z-Tech, Polly. It’s like the Mafia or grocery-shopping. Everybody knows you cannot enter a grocery store without making a purchase. You can't say, ‘Oh, I'm just looking,’ like you can sometimes do at 7-11 from the hours between midnight and six A.M....at least without a straight face and a mask of some sort. You’re marked for life-literally marked. They insert a microchip in your arm and track your every movement. It’s called ‘getting cained.’

“That sounds horribly punny.”

“So it is…so it is…”

“But you’re not chipped-are you?”

“No, but I do have an ID bracelet I’m authorized to wear at work that acts as the same thing."

22 June 2011

Page 25

"That's very good to hear," said Maurice at the other end of the line-his cell phone really as lines of the telephone type no longer existed except in the abstract sense (as real lines do). Which goes to show you that history repeats itself, though not always in the way one imagines.

"That's the only explanation," said Polly. "Cerberus saw your shoes and his cerebral circuits said foreign shoes = alien. What are you wearing?"

"New Balance. They're made in Connecticut. That can't be true. Connecticut is practically part of the U.S. and just because we sold it to Canada...why did we sell it to Canada?"

"To make ends meet was the way I understood it, according to the official MediaCon line.

20 June 2011

Erosion

"Satan has in fact a plan against the saints of the Most High which is to wear them out. What is meant by this phrase, "wear out"? It has in it the idea of reducing a little this minute, then reducing a little further the next minute. Reduce a little today, reduce a little tomorrow. Thus the wearing out is almost imperceptible; nevertheless, it is a reducing. The wearing down is scarcely an activity of which one is conscious, yet the end result is that there is nothing left. He will take away your prayer life little by little, and cause you to trust God less and less and yourself more and more, a little at a time. He will make you feel somewhat cleverer than before. Step by step, you are misled to rely more on your own gift, and step by step your heart is enticed away from the Lord. Now, were Satan to strike the children of God with great force at one time, they would know exactly how to resist the enemy since they would immediately recognize his work. He uses the method of gradualism to wear down the people of God."

--Watchman Nee and found online at http://dailychristianquote.com/dcqnee.html

14 June 2011

Page 24

“Um…I see. Say, Polly. Do you feel good right now”

“Me? Yep- I feel physically fine. Mentally competent. Somewhat bloated from the egg nog and Mexican tossed salad, but otherwise great. I need a hair-cut and this bothers me a little…not a lot as I don’t have a boyfriend, or soul-mate, or any other kind of primate to impress right now. Emotionally…I feel stable-a little shaky at times, but that’s due to dietary influences and rising/lowering hormonal levels. I feel witty…on a scale of 1 to 10…about oh’…pi…plus or minus a percentage point. I feel smug. A little sarcastic…just enough to irritate people an hour or two from a full-blown tension headache-no more, no less. That’s pretty much how I feel right now.

Lately, I’ve been talking to myself using short declarative sentences…using the intended ‘I’ to save time. I also answer myself using the ‘you’ understood. Most often though the conversations consist of sentence fragments with lots of adjectives. I don’t think this makes for good writing though. Nor does using the word ‘though’ a lot. I read yesterday that good writers use verbs-the action ones-and leave the passive ones to the novices to keep them poor and practicing. I tell myself it’s like reading a John Steinbeck novel...someday I hope to believe it. I tell this to my friends-all of who are invisible by the way. Most of my invisible amigos speak Spanglish which I appreciate since I love Mexican food and can now read the labels in the Hispanic section of Food Lion. Once, one of my friends-from New Zealand-asked me to fetch a trolley before we entered the deli section. I stood there in complete silence for an entire minute trying to translate this into English. A kindly cashier girl- whom I was not trying to impress due to my unique hair situation-asked if I needed any help. I said, “No thank you, I’m just a little confused right now.” She nodded and gave me a shopping cart to lessen my dilemma.

I thought about dating the other night. The Aztecs were good at it and constructed elaborate carved stones showing how to do it right. “The stones are still there,” Raquel told me. “Unfortunately the Aztecs are extinct and the stones untranslatable as nobody alive now speaks Aztec.” The Aztecs caused many problems going extinct, for now, nobody knows how to date properly. Although…the Mayans say we need not worry as the world will end at precisely midnight three years and nine days from now. I wish I were attracted to Mayan men.”

Page 23 (OK, so it's been awhile)

“Polly. It’s me. I’ve been shot, tracked, and drone-handled. Are you busy?”

“I’m reviewing a new eatery in Canaan called ‘Just Desserts.’ It’s run by the local prison. I’ve heard it’s more profitable than making license plates. Is everything OK?”

“Except for the drone-handling by Cerberus I…yes.”

“Oh dear,” said Polly. “Are you sure you aren’t an alien?”

“Never have been, nor ever will be. All I can figure is the drone mistook me for somebody else…the Can man…ever here of him?”

“A dear old chap. Yes, I remember him. Malachi and I nearly ran over him once or twice…certainly no more than three times…and definitely not more than four.”

“Well Cerberus just shocked the Can man into the next world. The drone must have assumed he was a looter when he was found walking about the Plaza. You do know there was a Call for all Goshenites to drop everything and go to the Hives this morning?”

Polly assumed a pensive look that most people make before ordering something in French with hopes it is not a member of the mollusk family or has or use to have tentacles. It was a beast of a time, it was two at the time, and she said nothing but stare at her soles.

A wave of intuition hit Polly.

Cerberus likes your shoes. All dogs do…even mechanical flying hounds programmed with algorithms by evil men and the Differentia.”

* (ed. Note) The Differentia was a class of scientists in the city-state of Goshen formerly known as Nerds

30 May 2011

Light travels

The older I get the more I think the Earth was seeded by people from another part of the galaxy and that God is really a gigantic computer programmer who has engineered the planet almost like its an enormous computer game. We are, in relation to God, like cartoon characters who will one day leave our body of atoms and molecules, get downloaded into a more complex set of sub-atomic particles...we'll call them tachyons since they have as one of their intrinsic properties the ability to move faster than the speed of light (hence are not subject to the sspace/time continuum)...and live forever in bodies that are luminescent.

16 May 2011

Page 22

Lieutenant Jones hung up the phone, grabbed a color-coded pen that said, expiration date 5 Nov 2047, and stared at the monitor watching the Plaza. He placed the stylus over a young brunette and clicked. A window appeared onscreen:

Date: 23 Oct 2047
Age: 25
Gender: Female
►more

He clicked ‘more.’ Her family’s closest relatives came up.

Another tap of the stylus.

The screen magnified her image. He zoomed in on her left hand and frowned when he saw the diamond. ‘Strange how some people refused to abandon old traditions.’

Tap…tap…went the stylus as magnification returned to normal. A bearded man caught his attention. Tap…tap…the window revealed little information.

Date: 23 Oct 2047
Approx age: 33
Gender: male
ID: unknown

Unchipper. A call to Central and he would be marked. Lieutenant Jones leaned back in his floating chair and saved the unchipper link to his hard drive, then e-mailed the link to Central. Onscreen, he watched as two Sweep Patrollers immobilized the bearded man with tranquilizers. Nobody asked any questions, nor did they care.

Cash-only transactions in Goshen were almost unheard of nowadays. It would be like paying for goods with gold dust in the early 21st-century. Cash attracted attention to yourself, Sweep Patrollers, Cerberus drones, and (oddly enough) those strange simian-like creatures who wandered the city-state in ever-increasing numbers. Cash labeled you an individual…a solitaire.

Solitaires, while not expressly forbidden, were discouraged and every attempt was made to discourage individualism. Individuals didn’t think like the whole and discouraged unity. Free-thinkers were dangerous.

Four hours of people-monitoring the Plaza wearied Jones. He walked down to the Reality Room, put on his infrared goggles and opened the door to a darkened room. He walked down rows of cubicles seeing people laying on gamer cots with closed eyes and wearing neuroscopes. They were in cybersleep.

Jones settled into the black padded foam chair and adjusted the neuroscopes. He slid his hands into the attached gloves. Almost instantly, the computer read his implanted verichip which identified him as 66-543-8A. A retinal scan confirmed his ID number.

He found himself walking on Madburg Ave in the heart of the club district. He entered St. Bucks Café and Blues. A holographic Elvis and Michael Jackson were singing the duet ‘Love Me Tender, whether I’m Black or White.’ He put a quarter in the juke box (he had an infinite supply of these and never asked why). A blond-haired girl with tattoos covering her arms sang about satellites falling from the sky…watch yourself and death defy.

“So true,” said a weepy-eyed girl beside him. Jones nodded absently. She was a cute girl with nary a single blemish on her pixilated face.

“Did you hear about the latest satellite fall?” asked Jones. “It landed on top of Logan’s Castle.”

She giggled. “Serves him right after closing the water park a month early. Anyone hurt?”

“Nope. Nobody home except Logan himself and some unchippers.”

Five hours later, Jones emerged from cybersleep and returned to work, realized he was done for the day, had 29 more days until the Sucralose and methyl butyrate kicked in, then went home to a night of Lifequility. He found it difficult to differentiate between the virtual and actual world…but then didn’t everybody?

09 May 2011

Page 21

Lieutenant Jones was 48-years-old and looked 30. He had never been sick a day in his life, and never passed up the opportunity to say so. He loved being in control. Every day he rose at precisely 5:30 AM and immediately started the coffee maker. Then he drank 8 ounces of water chilled to exactly 40 degrees F. At 6:00 AM, he drank the coffee, ate breakfast, brushed his teeth, used the bathroom, dressed for work, and checked off everything he’d done so far on a list.



He also loved lists, especially the making of and checking off parts. When he did something that was not on a list, he added it to the list and checked it off. At the end of every day he collected all the lists and added them to The List…an on-going database that detailed his life’s history to such exquisite detail that he planned on bequeathing it to Maurice’s next door neighbor as a torture device should the need ever arise.



He departed his townhouse at 6:35 AM. 6:50 AM found him parking in spot 5A of the Z-Tech parking lot and 6:59 AM found him primed, prepped, and prepared for people-monitoring, power-mongering, and list-making activities.



Lieutenant Jones puzzled over how the man escaped. ‘What kind of electrical disturbance could cause the drone to break down?’ He wondered if the Velkladdaur knew he hadn’t quite told the truth in the matter. Truthfully, it had to be an electrical disturbance. There was no other explanation.



30 days.



* * *



“We downloaded the video and see the unchipper in the plaza,” explained Quinton Verbosity, Jones’ lead programmer. “The best we can figure out is the tramp stood directly in the line of sight between the drone and Mr. No-chip while the video was running…sort of like the moon during a solar eclipse. See right here at 17’00”35.6…and then as we go to 17’00”42.7.”



Here the technician fast-forwarded the downloaded video.



“Here we see the plaza empty except for these two.”


“You didn’t get a video of the unchipper’s face?”


“Nope. Strangest thing. All the video shows is the back of his head. When he turned around facing the camera, there either was somebody directly in front of him, or else the video just went blank. It’s prolly just an electrical surge in the wiring induced by the latest Call.”


Jones put his face in his hands, and then said. “Get me a picture of the unchipper anyways. The best you can come up with…a close-up. I want to see what the man was wearing. What brand of watch he wears. His hairstyle. I want to know know the cologne type on his skin. Whether he was sunburnt on this day. Things…things I can put on a list and analyze and ponder. The Velkladdeur seems to think it important to find this guy.”


The technician whistled. “What for?”


“Not certain. But know this. When the Velkladdeur wants his man, that man has something worth taking.”



* * *

“Here you go Lieutenant” The technician laid a digitally-enhanced photo on Jones’ desk. “Abercrombie and Fitch khaki pants and looks like size 32-34 waist. Light blue long-sleeved shirt with partially rolled-up sleeves. The shoes appear to be size 11 black Adidas hiking boots.”


“Thank you. That only narrows it down to about…3,000 different people in this city.”



Lieutenant Jones stared at the picture. The digitally-enhanced photo reminded him of one of the scientists in the other drone-making divisions. Tap…tap…tap…went his fingers.



Maurice. That’s his name.



He called the secretary’s office at the alien-tracking division and got a Ms. Skipper.



“Nope. Sorry Mr. Jones. Maurice isn’t working today.”

28 April 2011

Page 20

(Later that afternoon in an unmarked lab, behind an unlabeled door, in a secret hideaway, stood a mysterious scientist whose last name was Jones. His first name was Lieutenant, but nobody except the VelkLaddeur, the National Security Agency, the VISA credit card company, and the payroll secretary knew this. Across an enormous ebony desk sat the VelkLaddeur himself…an even more mysterious gentleman who used no other name than ‘VelkLaddeur.’)



“You lost him?” asked the VelkLaddeur.


“No, Sir. We got him, but somehow he escaped,” said Lieutenant Jones.


“What do you mean ‘you got him.’ If you got him, he would be dead.”


“Yes, Sir. But you see, when we sent in the corpse collection unit, all they found was an old man named Maximus Dudley.”


“Didn’t Cerberus I see the unchipper in the plaza?”


“That they did, Sir. But there was some kind of electrical disturbance that confused Cerberus’s circuitry. The unchipper must have escaped then. The most likely explanation is the drone…once the electrical disturbance ceased…automatically assumed Mr. Dudley was the unchipped man.”


“Maximus Dudley was a chipped man Lieutenant. How could the drone assume otherwise? Machines never assume Lieutenant. Never. What kind of electrical disturbance was this?”


“We’re still uncertain. Our tech guys are checking it out as we speak. Nothing’s turned up yet. It seems in perfect working order.”


“Keep looking Lieutenant. And keep looking until you find the problem. The last thing we need is another unchipped cowboy running around footloose and fancy free.”


“Yes, Sir.”


“I want a full report of the problem ASAP.”


“Yes, Sir.”


“One more thing. See the safe nurse before you leave.”


“But, Sir.”


“You know the Law Codes. Eye for eye and tooth for tooth.”


“What if we don’t find him?”


“Thirty days Lieutenant. You have thirty days before the methyl butyrate is released.”


Lieutenant Jones left the VelkLaddeur’s office. The last thing he saw was his Cheshire cat-like grin. It unnerved him.


Lieutenant Jones grumbled to himself as he walked the long corridor to the safe nurse’s lab. He hated this building. Every conversation was under constant surveillance, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. One couldn’t even grumble aloud without it going on record. Secretly, he was glad when it was quitting time. Working for Z-Tech gave one a headache. One couldn’t even go to the bathroom without some roving mechanical Cyclops staring at you. Yet, this was the case for all government buildings…constant surveillance…always watching.


Lieutenant Jones entered the safe nurse lab where he instinctively held out his hand and passed it over the receptionist’s scanner. It beeped.


“We’ve been expecting you,” said a thin, middle-aged woman with short hair, plain face, who could easily have passed for a man. Her name tag said Leah. “Dr. Charan will see you now.”

She led him to a small room with pink walls and told him to sit on a table. Leah closed the door and left. He tried the door. Locked. The room was bare. No cabinets, tables, or anything to suggest he was in a doctor’s office, yet he knew he was monitored. A moment later the door opened.


Dr. Ali Singhe Charan was short, bald, possessed bushy gray eyebrows, and a wrinkly forehead. “You know how this works,” said Dr. Charan immediately. “Same principle as the V-chip in your right arm. This will be in your left arm. Roll up your sleeves.”


Jones rolled up his left sleeve and relaxed as Dr. Charan rubbed alcohol on his arm. Then he picked up a needle, inserted a rice-sized capsule, and carefully injected it in Jones' arm.


That’s it?” he asked.


“Yes,” replied Dr. Charan. “In 30 days the capsule is programmed to release 100 micrograms of methyl butyrate and 50 micrograms of Sucralose. First you fall asleep, then the heart stops beating. So quick, easy, and painless.”


“And the antidote?”


“There is no antidote for the red capsule. We remove it manually.”


Lieutenant Jones forced a grin. “I feel like Damocles.”


“You are Damocles,” said Dr. Charan.

27 April 2011

Page 19

He sensed the drone scrape cells from his skin. Just a few were needed for a complete DNA analysis. Out of the corner of his eye he read the name ‘Z-Tech Cerberus I’ painted on the drone’s metallic underbelly. Maurice closed his eyes and willed himself into something like a trance. As a scientist working in the industrial section of Z-Tech, he knew the machine was analyzing his skin cells and when it discovered he was not at the Hive Complex…or at work, he stood a very good chance of being zapped with an uncommonly large voltage usually reserved for the undesirable classes.

He could tell by the beeps and whistles sounding from Cerberus I that the initial results were calculated.

Heart rate: 80 bpm
Blood type: O+
Height: 1.98 m
Weight: 51.1 kg
ID Number: 63MX4R_hss

Why did the drone register me as 63MX4R_hss?” he thought. He had never been chipped before. Z-Tech kept prodding him to do so, but something about the process bothered him.

He felt the sensor remove from his body and recoil back to the drone. It flew away. Maurice relaxed.

Sometime later he heard voices on the plaza. He rolled over and gasped. The Can Man was lying beside him. His eyes stared directly into Maurice. A thin mucus covered them.

The Can man was dead.

Maurice rolled away and emptied his stomach. A minute later he left the tarp in time to see the first people emerge from the Hive Complex. “Something is different about them,” he wondered. “Their eyes. . .they’re glazy…hollow…lifeless.”

20 April 2011

The Maine Character

For those of you who are interested.

All these posts that begin with (Page 18, page 16, Page...) can be found, read, and perhaps even commented on at my latest groovy and wonderful blog called The Maine Character.