By now, all you beloved readers have received the official US census form in the mail. If not, we can safely assume you are not an American...or worse...an un-person. The census begins by stating 'it must count every person living in the United States on April 1, 2010.' There are an estimated 6.8 billion persons living today and to expect a single census to count them all from the US has got to be an April Fool's Day joke.
The census also states to 'count all people, including babies, who live and sleep here most of the time.' It's scary to think that some people would not consider a baby to be a person and need to be told to count the little people.
We are also asked to name our race. As a biologist and a person I consider the word race to have very little inherent meaning. I think the only race is the human race and we are all descendants from Adam and Eve. Seeing as how Adam and Eve were from modern-day Southern Iraq, I assume this means all of us American persons are Iraqis engaged in a great civil war, counting everybody, from every nation so conceived and so dedicated for as long as we can endure.
10 March 2010
The Clam Boycott.
Early this morning my gastro-esophageal sphincter muscle friends abandoned me. Since then, I have been talking to Jesus and apologizing for the false offerings of clam chowder to the Gizzard God. Neptune, you should know, is responsible for this. He is to blame. The Great White Throne judgement I'm told will not be something you want to see. I know this from more than anecdotal experience and shall now enter into a lifelong boycott of clams, oysters, mussels, and other barnacle-like entities.
06 March 2010
Comida
Twas' the day before Sunday,
and all through the casa.
There was nothing to eat,
except Taco Bell salsa.
The cabinets were bare,
Except for the air.
Waiting for food,
That soon would be there.
I think it's time to explore the nearest grocery store.
and all through the casa.
There was nothing to eat,
except Taco Bell salsa.
The cabinets were bare,
Except for the air.
Waiting for food,
That soon would be there.
I think it's time to explore the nearest grocery store.
04 March 2010
Strangeness
While sauntering through the grocery store today an old man sporting a long grey shaggy beard, ripped and faded blue jeans, flannel shirt, and muddy moccasins approached me and said,
"It's all a conspiracy, you know. It really is. Just a big conspiracy."
And because I felt quite ornery I said, "You're right. It IS a big conspiracy. It...it's mind boggling."
The old geezer nodded.
I nodded.
Then the lady behind me took her loaf of bread, donuts, and bag of apples to another cashier.
"It's all a conspiracy, you know. It really is. Just a big conspiracy."
And because I felt quite ornery I said, "You're right. It IS a big conspiracy. It...it's mind boggling."
The old geezer nodded.
I nodded.
Then the lady behind me took her loaf of bread, donuts, and bag of apples to another cashier.
03 March 2010
28 February 2010
Purim
'Roses are reddish.
Violets are bluish.
When the Messiah comes.
You'll wish you were Jewish.'
--Yiddish Proverb with slight modifications
Happy Purim Everybody.
Violets are bluish.
When the Messiah comes.
You'll wish you were Jewish.'
--Yiddish Proverb with slight modifications
Happy Purim Everybody.
26 February 2010
24 Hours Sans Sueno
The good news is the headache is gone. Of course I'm on a lot of caffeine and aspirin to go with a most sunny sky.
I bought some sweetened condensed milk yesterday thinking it was like regular milk. It's not. I needed a spoon to get it out of the can. I don't know how they make milk like that-it doesn't come out of a cow that way. It looks like somebody just milked a sperm whale. Since I was there-there being Wal-Mart...the Super Center kind-I figured to get me some lunch. I got a pre-made submarine and some pepper. I needed the pepper to flavor the sandwich-that and I needed the pepper anyway. The pepper label had a warning saying it may contain traces of soy, milk, paprika, sodium benzoate and essence of Charn. The sodium benzoate I've heard of. We use it at work to calibrate bomb calorimeters. Very explosive stuff, but it burns steady. In the eight years I spent at college studying chemistry , never once did I hear of Charn. The only Charn I ever heard of was the mythical world that Jadis the White Witch came from. Charn didn't kill me-just made me sneeze alot. I also noticed the submarine sandwich's expiration date read 'sell by 4:21 A.M. on 24 Feb 2010.' My receipt read 'purchased at 5:37 A.M. 24 Feb 2010.' Great. So now I'm living on borrowed time thinking, "I have to eat this thing asap." If it were a Hardee's Mushroom Melt this wouldn't be a problem, but this was roast beast...and could practically feel the fungal spores ready to germinate. Horseradish sauce, you should know, has anti-microbial properties. Naturally I lathered up the beast with the stuff. I think it worked although my nose was runny for the next 37 hours. Another thing I noticed-at 5:37 A.M. when a guy walks in wearing dark green khaki (my work clothes), black gloves, boots, and a black pea coat and heads straight to the pharmacy section for energy drinks and casually puts a copy of 'The Catcher in the Rye' into his shopping cart-the store cops take notice and stare at you all funny-like. They probably thought I had issues in life.
I bought some sweetened condensed milk yesterday thinking it was like regular milk. It's not. I needed a spoon to get it out of the can. I don't know how they make milk like that-it doesn't come out of a cow that way. It looks like somebody just milked a sperm whale. Since I was there-there being Wal-Mart...the Super Center kind-I figured to get me some lunch. I got a pre-made submarine and some pepper. I needed the pepper to flavor the sandwich-that and I needed the pepper anyway. The pepper label had a warning saying it may contain traces of soy, milk, paprika, sodium benzoate and essence of Charn. The sodium benzoate I've heard of. We use it at work to calibrate bomb calorimeters. Very explosive stuff, but it burns steady. In the eight years I spent at college studying chemistry , never once did I hear of Charn. The only Charn I ever heard of was the mythical world that Jadis the White Witch came from. Charn didn't kill me-just made me sneeze alot. I also noticed the submarine sandwich's expiration date read 'sell by 4:21 A.M. on 24 Feb 2010.' My receipt read 'purchased at 5:37 A.M. 24 Feb 2010.' Great. So now I'm living on borrowed time thinking, "I have to eat this thing asap." If it were a Hardee's Mushroom Melt this wouldn't be a problem, but this was roast beast...and could practically feel the fungal spores ready to germinate. Horseradish sauce, you should know, has anti-microbial properties. Naturally I lathered up the beast with the stuff. I think it worked although my nose was runny for the next 37 hours. Another thing I noticed-at 5:37 A.M. when a guy walks in wearing dark green khaki (my work clothes), black gloves, boots, and a black pea coat and heads straight to the pharmacy section for energy drinks and casually puts a copy of 'The Catcher in the Rye' into his shopping cart-the store cops take notice and stare at you all funny-like. They probably thought I had issues in life.
16 February 2010
Year of the Tiger: Day 2
Ever get the feeling that Life as we know know it is really a type of virtual reality in relation to a more real existence called real life?
I think this is a pretty good explanation of reality as it explains a lot of things that make no logical sense. Hormones and drugs (the same things really) make people do irrational things, but these are generally expected when partakes of strange substances. This also explains why women, being more intuitive and complex than men, are more in tune with something generically called Spirituality. Their virtual reality machinery is more fine-tuned to pick-up the subtle nuances, the quantum state changes in matter, that make-up the universe.
Does this sound New-Agey? Probably. But if one looks at the history of humanity, one cannot help but notice that everything seems to unfold like a well-written book composed by a super-intellect.
I think this is a pretty good explanation of reality as it explains a lot of things that make no logical sense. Hormones and drugs (the same things really) make people do irrational things, but these are generally expected when partakes of strange substances. This also explains why women, being more intuitive and complex than men, are more in tune with something generically called Spirituality. Their virtual reality machinery is more fine-tuned to pick-up the subtle nuances, the quantum state changes in matter, that make-up the universe.
Does this sound New-Agey? Probably. But if one looks at the history of humanity, one cannot help but notice that everything seems to unfold like a well-written book composed by a super-intellect.
13 February 2010
14 February 2010
The Year of the Tiger begins tomorrow.
Should be interesting.
Check out this great MSN Video: Year of The Tiger
Should be interesting.
Check out this great MSN Video: Year of The Tiger
I ♥ Global Warming
Hawai'i is the lone holdout-so far.
(Yes, Hawai'i IS spelled correctly.)
49/50 states currently have snow on the ground. Meteorologist aren't sure if this has ever happened since the last ice age. The AP says (I'm paraphrasing) this is merely an outlier and a unique weather event. Overall, the climate is still experiencing a human-induced warming trend and the chance of another Snowmageddon is extremely rare. I'm not sure I believe most meteorologists as one the the underlying assumptions they make concerning the Earth's current climate is a belief in Uniforitarianism-which states that climate tends to stay relatively constant over millions of years. Yet anyone with common sense and a tiny knowledge of geology knows this is clearly not the case.
Perhaps we should blame the gods and make the Goracle repent for preaching the inconvenient truth.
(Yes, Hawai'i IS spelled correctly.)
49/50 states currently have snow on the ground. Meteorologist aren't sure if this has ever happened since the last ice age. The AP says (I'm paraphrasing) this is merely an outlier and a unique weather event. Overall, the climate is still experiencing a human-induced warming trend and the chance of another Snowmageddon is extremely rare. I'm not sure I believe most meteorologists as one the the underlying assumptions they make concerning the Earth's current climate is a belief in Uniforitarianism-which states that climate tends to stay relatively constant over millions of years. Yet anyone with common sense and a tiny knowledge of geology knows this is clearly not the case.
Perhaps we should blame the gods and make the Goracle repent for preaching the inconvenient truth.
29 January 2010
15 B.G. (Before Google)
Once upon a time in a world without car horns and remote controls a fellow asked me,
“Do you want the job?”
I don’t recall exactly what the job entailed but it had something to do with determining the edibleness of wild mushrooms and clinical trials in the first stage of FDA approval. The amount offered was prodigious and my main thought was, ‘hopefully I get into the placebo group.’ But due to a deep-seated aversion to gambling and a very religious upbringing forbidding drugs and alcoholic beverages, apart from Vanilla flavoring, declined the offer.
That’s not to say I didn’t think about it. With the extra money I could start a side business raising emus on a ranch with salmon and trout streams. Emus lay the world’s second largest egg and one can make Faberge-like egg-purses for the rich and fragile. The omelets would be huge…something like 14 regular chicken eggs = one emu egg with the only danger being a really bad case of Salmonella.
I could quit the part-time gig as an Elmo mascot at the local kid’s museum and tell people I’m an Anthromycologist at parties serving expensive hors d’oeurves consisting of rare fish, goat cheese, and the non-lethal mushrooms. Mrs. Parrish, the beautiful, charming, and witty Mrs. Parrish…we met at the university cafeteria and knew we were made for each other when we discovered a mutual interest in big birds, trash-can dwelling life forms, and snuffleupagus sightings…would be at my side. The rich people would come bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, and $25 Starbucks gift certificates and sing praises to my name call me blessed one and a really fun guy. I would wax eloquent and give my opinion on alternatives to an NCAA D1 football playoff system called Stimulus II. And when they ask me deep philosophical questions such as,
“How do they punish a Siamese twin if one commits murder?”
I’ll say, “Bring me a sword!” and stall for time until I think of something profound and mutter obscure Latin phrases until…until I direct them to my Emu-Faberge purse web site on the new and improved Max iPad much to the chagrin of the wonderful Mrs. Parrish, Proctor and Gamble, and those seeking enlightenment.
“Lesser Sensory Perception (LSP) is the path to true happiness…still stalling…if one hears no evil, sees no evil, or feels no evil, it is only a matter of time until one disbelieves in evil. So when evil comes, one calls it ‘ungoodness.’ Which, technically speaking, is not an actual English word so one might as well re-arrange the letters to make ‘goosed nuns.’ And everybody knows a goosed nun is a rare nun albeit a definite evil.
“Do you want the job?”
I don’t recall exactly what the job entailed but it had something to do with determining the edibleness of wild mushrooms and clinical trials in the first stage of FDA approval. The amount offered was prodigious and my main thought was, ‘hopefully I get into the placebo group.’ But due to a deep-seated aversion to gambling and a very religious upbringing forbidding drugs and alcoholic beverages, apart from Vanilla flavoring, declined the offer.
That’s not to say I didn’t think about it. With the extra money I could start a side business raising emus on a ranch with salmon and trout streams. Emus lay the world’s second largest egg and one can make Faberge-like egg-purses for the rich and fragile. The omelets would be huge…something like 14 regular chicken eggs = one emu egg with the only danger being a really bad case of Salmonella.
I could quit the part-time gig as an Elmo mascot at the local kid’s museum and tell people I’m an Anthromycologist at parties serving expensive hors d’oeurves consisting of rare fish, goat cheese, and the non-lethal mushrooms. Mrs. Parrish, the beautiful, charming, and witty Mrs. Parrish…we met at the university cafeteria and knew we were made for each other when we discovered a mutual interest in big birds, trash-can dwelling life forms, and snuffleupagus sightings…would be at my side. The rich people would come bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, and $25 Starbucks gift certificates and sing praises to my name call me blessed one and a really fun guy. I would wax eloquent and give my opinion on alternatives to an NCAA D1 football playoff system called Stimulus II. And when they ask me deep philosophical questions such as,
“How do they punish a Siamese twin if one commits murder?”
I’ll say, “Bring me a sword!” and stall for time until I think of something profound and mutter obscure Latin phrases until…until I direct them to my Emu-Faberge purse web site on the new and improved Max iPad much to the chagrin of the wonderful Mrs. Parrish, Proctor and Gamble, and those seeking enlightenment.
“Lesser Sensory Perception (LSP) is the path to true happiness…still stalling…if one hears no evil, sees no evil, or feels no evil, it is only a matter of time until one disbelieves in evil. So when evil comes, one calls it ‘ungoodness.’ Which, technically speaking, is not an actual English word so one might as well re-arrange the letters to make ‘goosed nuns.’ And everybody knows a goosed nun is a rare nun albeit a definite evil.
23 January 2010
Today's Proverb
"Go with your gut feeling."
"Listen to your heart."
"What does your brain say?"
"Do what your nerves tell you."
If one tries to do the rational thing and listen to all these body parts, it is inevitable one will go mad. Ever notice how it's always the most rational people who lose it? People who eat, drink, and are constantly kept amused by the tv never go crazy. Perhaps they're simply listening to their colon...the one body part that is NEVER wrong.
"Listen to your heart."
"What does your brain say?"
"Do what your nerves tell you."
If one tries to do the rational thing and listen to all these body parts, it is inevitable one will go mad. Ever notice how it's always the most rational people who lose it? People who eat, drink, and are constantly kept amused by the tv never go crazy. Perhaps they're simply listening to their colon...the one body part that is NEVER wrong.
Road trip
Some pictures of a recent road trip I took for mental and inspirational reasons.
--The white funky airplane is the Voyager, or rather a model replica, as I think the actual one is in D.C. It was the first plane to travel around the world without stopping at Exxon for gas, beef jerky, or Mt. Dew.
--The bi-plane was, at the time, the latest in aviation complete with a winged tail.
--The parking lot mountain (volcano really) is Mt. Rainier from @30 miles away as seen from Lakewood, WA on a most rare sunny day.
--The rest of the pictures are of an old growth tree ring (taller than me), the Nisqually River, Route 7 from Tacoma to Mt. Rainier National Park, and some Cascade Mt. range shots as seen from the cockpit of a sky-blue PT Cruiser on a 60-degree January day.
My only regret was not seeing Bigfoot. The nice forest ranger lady said he might be hiding or possibly foraging for salmon in the Pike Place market in Seattle. It was kind of hard to tell as many Seattle-ites sport prodigious quantities of facial hair and what with a Star Wars convention in town...Hirsute Harry could have been mistaken for Chewbacca in a pinch.
--The white funky airplane is the Voyager, or rather a model replica, as I think the actual one is in D.C. It was the first plane to travel around the world without stopping at Exxon for gas, beef jerky, or Mt. Dew.
--The bi-plane was, at the time, the latest in aviation complete with a winged tail.
--The parking lot mountain (volcano really) is Mt. Rainier from @30 miles away as seen from Lakewood, WA on a most rare sunny day.
--The rest of the pictures are of an old growth tree ring (taller than me), the Nisqually River, Route 7 from Tacoma to Mt. Rainier National Park, and some Cascade Mt. range shots as seen from the cockpit of a sky-blue PT Cruiser on a 60-degree January day.
My only regret was not seeing Bigfoot. The nice forest ranger lady said he might be hiding or possibly foraging for salmon in the Pike Place market in Seattle. It was kind of hard to tell as many Seattle-ites sport prodigious quantities of facial hair and what with a Star Wars convention in town...Hirsute Harry could have been mistaken for Chewbacca in a pinch.
10 January 2010
Dom.i.nos...Change has come
I do not consider myself much of a sentimentalist-more like a thinkamentalist-but this video made me weep.
Of course it was well after lunch time when I saw it. My excuse? Hunger pangs and a deep-seated hatred of mediocrity.
Of course it was well after lunch time when I saw it. My excuse? Hunger pangs and a deep-seated hatred of mediocrity.
05 January 2010
The Newest Wonder of the World
REUTERS/Mosab Omar
2,717 feet = about half a mile above the ground.
I want an office here...one near the top...so I can throw paper airplanes out the window and watch them land in oh,...Southern Iran.
04 January 2010
Miscellaneousness
One of my secret dreams is to have a pet fox called Smell E. Peyote. I also want an African large-clawed otter named Sidney. Anyways...
This picture is yet another unusual thing I found in a cabinet at work. I can only assume the warning label is there because somebody, somewhere, in a similar laboratory, attempted to put this very type of tubing into a living breathing animal in hopes of improving its life. But something went very wrong and which necessitated a very quick burial.
I went to Walmart today for two reasons, (actually 6 reasons, one of which is philosophical and medical and requires a great deal of math and statistics to explain fully.)
1-to get an oil change
2-to get new truck tires
After waiting for a very longish time the Walmart people cancelled my order without explanation. Then, for my time and trouble they gave me a free oil change which made me happy. The greasy dirty guy with hamburger and bananas in line behind me, however, was not happy for me. I know this because he spent a good 5 minutes talking to himself while the managers were discussing my two reasons for visiting them.
It wasn't a total waste of time. I caught up on my reading and feel up-to-date on exotic sports cars, bass fishing lures (jigs are best with spoons a close second), and the latest video games. There was also a magazine predicting the results of the 2009 college football scene...which was almost, but not quite, nearly 100% inaccurate to a fault.
As for my good deed of the day, I helped a little girl get water out of the industrial-sized coffee maker in the waiting room, which nobody actually used due to H1N1 or H2D2....or R2D2...whatever the latest flu strain is now called...fears. One cup for her, and another cup for the squirt gun she carried around shooting random strangers with.
Which reminds me: www.Peopleofwalmart.com
These people actually exist. I saw some of them today. Scariness.
This picture is yet another unusual thing I found in a cabinet at work. I can only assume the warning label is there because somebody, somewhere, in a similar laboratory, attempted to put this very type of tubing into a living breathing animal in hopes of improving its life. But something went very wrong and which necessitated a very quick burial.
I went to Walmart today for two reasons, (actually 6 reasons, one of which is philosophical and medical and requires a great deal of math and statistics to explain fully.)
1-to get an oil change
2-to get new truck tires
After waiting for a very longish time the Walmart people cancelled my order without explanation. Then, for my time and trouble they gave me a free oil change which made me happy. The greasy dirty guy with hamburger and bananas in line behind me, however, was not happy for me. I know this because he spent a good 5 minutes talking to himself while the managers were discussing my two reasons for visiting them.
It wasn't a total waste of time. I caught up on my reading and feel up-to-date on exotic sports cars, bass fishing lures (jigs are best with spoons a close second), and the latest video games. There was also a magazine predicting the results of the 2009 college football scene...which was almost, but not quite, nearly 100% inaccurate to a fault.
As for my good deed of the day, I helped a little girl get water out of the industrial-sized coffee maker in the waiting room, which nobody actually used due to H1N1 or H2D2....or R2D2...whatever the latest flu strain is now called...fears. One cup for her, and another cup for the squirt gun she carried around shooting random strangers with.
Which reminds me: www.Peopleofwalmart.com
These people actually exist. I saw some of them today. Scariness.
17 December 2009
10 December 2009
How Do You Feel?
I feel good right now. Physically fine. Mentally competent. Somewhat bloated from the egg nog and Mexican tossed salad, but otherwise great. I need a hair-cut and this bothers me a little...not a lot as I don’t have a girlfriend, or soul-mate, or any other kind of primate to impress right now. Emotionally…I feel stable...a little shaky at times, but that’s due to dietary influences and rising/lowering hormone levels. I feel witty…on a scale of 1 to 10…ummm...about a 6.75…+/- a percentage point. I feel smug. A little sarcastic…just enough to irritate people an hour or two from a full-blown tension headache-no more, no less. That’s pretty much how I feel right now.
Lately, I’ve been talking to myself using short declarative sentences…using the intended ‘I’ to save time. I also answer myself using the ‘you’ understood. Most often though the conversations consist of sentence fragments with lots of adjectives. I don’t think this makes for good writing though...nor does using the word ‘though’ a lot. I read yesterday that good writers use verbs-the action ones-and leave the passive ones to the novices to keep them poor and practicing. I tell myself it’s like reading a John Steinbeck novel...someday I hope to believe it. I tell this to my friends-all of who are invisible by the way. Most of my invisible amigos speak Spanglish which I appreciate since I love Mexican food and can now read the labels in the Hispanic section of Food Lion. Once, one of my friends...she's from New Zealand...asked me to 'fetch a trolley' before we entered the deli section. I stood there in complete silence for an entire minute trying to translate this into English. A kindly cashier girl, whom I was not trying to impress due to my unique hair situation, asked if I needed any help.
I said, “No thank you, I’m just a little confused right now.”
She nodded and gave me a shopping cart to lessen my dilemma.
I thought about dating the other night. The Aztecs were good at it and constructed elaborate carved stones showing how to do it right.
“The stones are still there,” Raquel told me. “Unfortunately the Aztecs are extinct and the stones untranslatable as nobody alive now speaks Aztec.”
The Aztecs caused many problems going extinct, for now, nobody knows how to date properly. Although…the Mayans say we need not worry as the world will end at precisely midnight three years and nine days from now.
I wish I were attracted to Mayan women.
Another somebody I like is Humor. Humor and I used to date off and on for a time. We took long road trips together and went to museums with dinosaur fossils, cave man dioramas, diodes, and abstract art made by people who talked to themselves. After a time we went our separate ways and I haven’t seen her since. A co-worker told me to try Googling her.
I told him, "I’m not kind of person…I have morals you know."
Lately, I’ve been talking to myself using short declarative sentences…using the intended ‘I’ to save time. I also answer myself using the ‘you’ understood. Most often though the conversations consist of sentence fragments with lots of adjectives. I don’t think this makes for good writing though...nor does using the word ‘though’ a lot. I read yesterday that good writers use verbs-the action ones-and leave the passive ones to the novices to keep them poor and practicing. I tell myself it’s like reading a John Steinbeck novel...someday I hope to believe it. I tell this to my friends-all of who are invisible by the way. Most of my invisible amigos speak Spanglish which I appreciate since I love Mexican food and can now read the labels in the Hispanic section of Food Lion. Once, one of my friends...she's from New Zealand...asked me to 'fetch a trolley' before we entered the deli section. I stood there in complete silence for an entire minute trying to translate this into English. A kindly cashier girl, whom I was not trying to impress due to my unique hair situation, asked if I needed any help.
I said, “No thank you, I’m just a little confused right now.”
She nodded and gave me a shopping cart to lessen my dilemma.
I thought about dating the other night. The Aztecs were good at it and constructed elaborate carved stones showing how to do it right.
“The stones are still there,” Raquel told me. “Unfortunately the Aztecs are extinct and the stones untranslatable as nobody alive now speaks Aztec.”
The Aztecs caused many problems going extinct, for now, nobody knows how to date properly. Although…the Mayans say we need not worry as the world will end at precisely midnight three years and nine days from now.
I wish I were attracted to Mayan women.
Another somebody I like is Humor. Humor and I used to date off and on for a time. We took long road trips together and went to museums with dinosaur fossils, cave man dioramas, diodes, and abstract art made by people who talked to themselves. After a time we went our separate ways and I haven’t seen her since. A co-worker told me to try Googling her.
I told him, "I’m not kind of person…I have morals you know."
03 December 2009
Bone Gnawer's Great Adventure
Bone Gnawer grunted.
As dawn arose, bright and rosy-fingered, Bone Gnawer appeared on the hilltop. He had awaken an hour earlier and discovered to his horror the remains from yesterday’s sacrifice to Bel were gone. In his primitive mind, he saw images of fanged beasts carrying the flesh to their lairs. He shrugged it off. Sometimes, it was hard to discern the waking hours from the visions he saw at night.
Speech was difficult for Bone Gnawer. Years spent drinking mead and fighting rival clans robbed him of use of his tongue and now he saw the world as through the eyes of a child. A life spent chewing Flemweed gave his face a fierce gnarled countenance and the other hominids naturally avoided him and deferred to his presence on sight.
Out of fear, out of respect, out of self-preservation.
Bone Gnawer was a lonely beast and the years had not been kind.
The People of the Red Dot especially avoided him. Once, when he was young, the Red Dot clan members played with him, but over the course of time they gradually went their own ways and avoided all contact with the Gnawers.
Such things were mysterious to Bone Gnawer and his clan, but as their leader it was his duty to lead them from their life in the box and possibly see into the matter.
Perhaps the answer could be found in the Blue Temple. A number of years ago the pale-haired barbarian princess came from the land of the Temple’s founder…little was known of that place except that it was a rolling expanse of hills and farmland…a land of pigs and money where all lived in one large village and shared everything.
Expedition:
The team of horses carried Bone Gnawer to the Blue Temple. Soon, he glimpsed the holy place and felt with the fibers of his being that this could be his second home. He had been here before. Once, Bone Gnawer and Leaf Chewer spent a good two hours gazing into the vision stones and fell asleep. Only to be awakened and hustled into the night by a tall dark man in black-a caretaker of the temple. He felt it was a misunderstanding yet something within him said otherwise. He distinctly recalled seeing similar dark men lurking around the Red Dot temple…who were they?
Mysteriousness.
The black desert loomed. Bits of scattered plant remains rolled across the land and Glow trees with small grey carrion birds perched in their tops gazed ominously like vultures. Metallic reptile beasts lurked in the corners, occasionally running across the black expanse. The way seemed perilous but meat and drink were to be had…go on he must.
He scratched his furry belly, and with grim determination entered. Apart from some sloth-like creatures wandering around, the Blue Temple was empty. He walked past the vision stones and passed by what must be the most holy place as there was a large collection of shoes leading to two very large dark doors. He in turn removed his old muddy boots and felt a lightness of heart as one of the sloth-like creatures smiled at him.
He continued on.
The temple, he noticed, was filled with Sun God images. Did the Blue Temple pilgrims worship the sun? Why were all the temple workers downcast with the perpetual smiling Sun God watching from above?
More mysteriousness.
Bone Gnawer sighed and met a lady-in-blue staring grimly at a collection of scrolls featuring skinny hairless hominids.
“Chick…chick…chicken…wings…food?” (The words came out rather slow.)
She nodded as she pressed her stylus onto a box-of-many-colors and pointed to a stack of bananas and…oh’ great joy! Piles of meat running half the length of the floor!
Suddenly-overhead-came a rattling sound. He paused and listened attentively. It was the calm before a storm. Something great was about to happen. The hair on his chest stood on end and all nature held her breath as the scratchings gave forth to words.
A Voice. The Voice. The Voice thundered. Spasms of wonder and joy permeated his being. He trembled violently.
“Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers…”
As dawn arose, bright and rosy-fingered, Bone Gnawer appeared on the hilltop. He had awaken an hour earlier and discovered to his horror the remains from yesterday’s sacrifice to Bel were gone. In his primitive mind, he saw images of fanged beasts carrying the flesh to their lairs. He shrugged it off. Sometimes, it was hard to discern the waking hours from the visions he saw at night.
Speech was difficult for Bone Gnawer. Years spent drinking mead and fighting rival clans robbed him of use of his tongue and now he saw the world as through the eyes of a child. A life spent chewing Flemweed gave his face a fierce gnarled countenance and the other hominids naturally avoided him and deferred to his presence on sight.
Out of fear, out of respect, out of self-preservation.
Bone Gnawer was a lonely beast and the years had not been kind.
The People of the Red Dot especially avoided him. Once, when he was young, the Red Dot clan members played with him, but over the course of time they gradually went their own ways and avoided all contact with the Gnawers.
Such things were mysterious to Bone Gnawer and his clan, but as their leader it was his duty to lead them from their life in the box and possibly see into the matter.
Perhaps the answer could be found in the Blue Temple. A number of years ago the pale-haired barbarian princess came from the land of the Temple’s founder…little was known of that place except that it was a rolling expanse of hills and farmland…a land of pigs and money where all lived in one large village and shared everything.
Expedition:
The team of horses carried Bone Gnawer to the Blue Temple. Soon, he glimpsed the holy place and felt with the fibers of his being that this could be his second home. He had been here before. Once, Bone Gnawer and Leaf Chewer spent a good two hours gazing into the vision stones and fell asleep. Only to be awakened and hustled into the night by a tall dark man in black-a caretaker of the temple. He felt it was a misunderstanding yet something within him said otherwise. He distinctly recalled seeing similar dark men lurking around the Red Dot temple…who were they?
Mysteriousness.
The black desert loomed. Bits of scattered plant remains rolled across the land and Glow trees with small grey carrion birds perched in their tops gazed ominously like vultures. Metallic reptile beasts lurked in the corners, occasionally running across the black expanse. The way seemed perilous but meat and drink were to be had…go on he must.
He scratched his furry belly, and with grim determination entered. Apart from some sloth-like creatures wandering around, the Blue Temple was empty. He walked past the vision stones and passed by what must be the most holy place as there was a large collection of shoes leading to two very large dark doors. He in turn removed his old muddy boots and felt a lightness of heart as one of the sloth-like creatures smiled at him.
He continued on.
The temple, he noticed, was filled with Sun God images. Did the Blue Temple pilgrims worship the sun? Why were all the temple workers downcast with the perpetual smiling Sun God watching from above?
More mysteriousness.
Bone Gnawer sighed and met a lady-in-blue staring grimly at a collection of scrolls featuring skinny hairless hominids.
“Chick…chick…chicken…wings…food?” (The words came out rather slow.)
She nodded as she pressed her stylus onto a box-of-many-colors and pointed to a stack of bananas and…oh’ great joy! Piles of meat running half the length of the floor!
Suddenly-overhead-came a rattling sound. He paused and listened attentively. It was the calm before a storm. Something great was about to happen. The hair on his chest stood on end and all nature held her breath as the scratchings gave forth to words.
A Voice. The Voice. The Voice thundered. Spasms of wonder and joy permeated his being. He trembled violently.
“Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers…”
16 November 2009
Conversations with Ego and Id
"It's been awhile."
"I know."
"I have excuses."
"We all do."
"Been busy."
"Most are."
My inner Muse has been vacationing in Nicaragua."
"Ever hear of laptops?"
"I joined this thing called Factbook, that tells me all the latest trivia from people in my past."
"You sound confused."
"I've been watching the news...keeping up with current events."
"You lie!"
"I have a crush on Katie Couric."
"She's too old."
"There are a lot of people nowadays who need Jesus and Noah Webster."
"You've a keen sense of the obvious-that's for sure."
"Also been feeling under the weather lately-I may have whine Flu."
"Don't be ridiculous-you're perfectly healthy."
"According to a Factbook poll, I'm crazy."
"Those polls aren't even close to accurate."
"Umm...thinking has been difficult of late. Typing has been harder. I'm thinking I have Lysdexia"
"Don't you mean Dyslexia?"
"Nope...Lysdexia."
"Perhaps you should write a story about you're girlfriend Rindercella and her slopped dripper."
"Now I think you're crazy."
"Did I mention the jihad I declared on Poly-Urkel-lean?"
"What's wrong with stain-resistant wrinkle-proof fabric?"
"Skinny cheap Poly-Earthy-lean lovers frighten me."
"You should get out more-mingle with currently living folks and not spent so much time with reading."
"That I shall do."
"I know."
"I have excuses."
"We all do."
"Been busy."
"Most are."
My inner Muse has been vacationing in Nicaragua."
"Ever hear of laptops?"
"I joined this thing called Factbook, that tells me all the latest trivia from people in my past."
"You sound confused."
"I've been watching the news...keeping up with current events."
"You lie!"
"I have a crush on Katie Couric."
"She's too old."
"There are a lot of people nowadays who need Jesus and Noah Webster."
"You've a keen sense of the obvious-that's for sure."
"Also been feeling under the weather lately-I may have whine Flu."
"Don't be ridiculous-you're perfectly healthy."
"According to a Factbook poll, I'm crazy."
"Those polls aren't even close to accurate."
"Umm...thinking has been difficult of late. Typing has been harder. I'm thinking I have Lysdexia"
"Don't you mean Dyslexia?"
"Nope...Lysdexia."
"Perhaps you should write a story about you're girlfriend Rindercella and her slopped dripper."
"Now I think you're crazy."
"Did I mention the jihad I declared on Poly-Urkel-lean?"
"What's wrong with stain-resistant wrinkle-proof fabric?"
"Skinny cheap Poly-Earthy-lean lovers frighten me."
"You should get out more-mingle with currently living folks and not spent so much time with reading."
"That I shall do."
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