27 June 2010
22 May 2010
Deoxyribonucleic Acid
Contrary to rumors, the Meaning of Life is more than
ATCGTGCATCTAGCTAGCTAGGTCGATCATATAGCTAGGCATACCATGACAAAC
TGCATGCTCGACTGGGCTACTAGCTGACTGGCGATCTTAAGCCCATGGGACTAC
TCCTAGCATCACCATGATCGATTCAGCTCATGCATCCATTTTACGCTAGTCGAT
ACCAACTTCGTCATCGTGCATCTAGCTAGCTAGGTCGATCATATAGCTAGGCAT
TGCATGCTCGACTGGGCTACTAGCTGACTGGCGATCTTAAGCCCATGGGACTAC
TCCTAGCATCACCATGATCGATTCAGCTCATGCATCCATTTTACGCTAGTCGAT
ACCAACTTCGTCACCATGACAAACACCATGACAAACGGAATTCCATACTGGCTA
ATCGTGCATCTAGCTAGCTAGGTCGATCATATAGCTAGGCATACCATGACAAAC
TGCATGCTCGACTGGGCTACTAGCTGACTGGCGATCTTAAGCCCATGGGACTAC
TCCTAGCATCACCATGATCGATTCAGCTCATGCATCCATTTTACGCTAGTCGAT
ACCAACTTCGTCATCGTGCATCTAGCTAGCTAGGTCGATCATATAGCTAGGCAT
TGCATGCTCGACTGGGCTACTAGCTGACTGGCGATCTTAAGCCCATGGGACTAC
TCCTAGCATCACCATGATCGATTCAGCTCATGCATCCATTTTACGCTAGTCGAT
ACCAACTTCGTCACCATGACAAACACCATGACAAACGGAATTCCATACTGGCTA
ATCGTGCATCTAGCTAGCTAGGTCGATCATATAGCTAGGCATACCATGACAAAC
TGCATGCTCGACTGGGCTACTAGCTGACTGGCGATCTTAAGCCCATGGGACTAC
TCCTAGCATCACCATGATCGATTCAGCTCATGCATCCATTTTACGCTAGTCGAT
ACCAACTTCGTCATCGTGCATCTAGCTAGCTAGGTCGATCATATAGCTAGGCAT
TGCATGCTCGACTGGGCTACTAGCTGACTGGCGATCTTAAGCCCATGGGACTAC
TCCTAGCATCACCATGATCGATTCAGCTCATGCATCCATTTTACGCTAGTCGAT
ACCAACTTCGTCACCATGACAAACACCATGACAAACGGAATTCCATACTGGCTA
ATCGTGCATCTAGCTAGCTAGGTCGATCATATAGCTAGGCATACCATGACAAAC
TGCATGCTCGACTGGGCTACTAGCTGACTGGCGATCTTAAGCCCATGGGACTAC
TCCTAGCATCACCATGATCGATTCAGCTCATGCATCCATTTTACGCTAGTCGAT
ACCAACTTCGTCATCGTGCATCTAGCTAGCTAGGTCGATCATATAGCTAGGCAT
TGCATGCTCGACTGGGCTACTAGCTGACTGGCGATCTTAAGCCCATGGGACTAC
TCCTAGCATCACCATGATCGATTCAGCTCATGCATCCATTTTACGCTAGTCGAT
ACCAACTTCGTCACCATGACAAACACCATGACAAACGGAATTCCATACTGGCTA
ATCGTGCATCTAGCTAGCTAGGTCGATCATATAGCTAGGCATACCATGACAAAC
TGCATGCTCGACTGGGCTACTAGCTGACTGGCGATCTTAAGCCCATGGGACTAC
TCCTAGCATCACCATGATCGATTCAGCTCATGCATCCATTTTACGCTAGTCGAT
ACCAACTTCGTCATCGTGCATCTAGCTAGCTAGGTCGATCATATAGCTAGGCAT
TGCATGCTCGACTGGGCTACTAGCTGACTGGCGATCTTAAGCCCATGGGACTAC
TCCTAGCATCACCATGATCGATTCAGCTCATGCATCCATTTTACGCTAGTCGAT
ACCAACTTCGTCACCATGACAAACACCATGACAAACGGAATTCCATACTGGCTA
ATCGTGCATCTAGCTAGCTAGGTCGATCATATAGCTAGGCATACCATGACAAAC
TGCATGCTCGACTGGGCTACTAGCTGACTGGCGATCTTAAGCCCATGGGACTAC
TCCTAGCATCACCATGATCGATTCAGCTCATGCATCCATTTTACGCTAGTCGAT
ACCAACTTCGTCATCGTGCATCTAGCTAGCTAGGTCGATCATATAGCTAGGCAT
TGCATGCTCGACTGGGCTACTAGCTGACTGGCGATCTTAAGCCCATGGGACTAC
TCCTAGCATCACCATGATCGATTCAGCTCATGCATCCATTTTACGCTAGTCGAT
ACCAACTTCGTCACCATGACAAACACCATGACAAACGGAATTCCATACTGGCTA
A Little Bit of Ying; A Little Bit of Yang
I'm not one to start rumors, but does anybody else see a striking resemblance between these two characters?
My intuition tells me they are one and the same person.
14 May 2010
Telemarketer
Ring...ring...ring
"Hello?"
"This is the minding other people's better business bureau telemarketing agency at an unknown location in America and various sites in Nigeria. How are you today?"
"Swell. And you?"
"Fine sir. We would like to yabba dadda yabba bubba ....."
"Sorry to interrupt, but I believe you have the wrong person. This is the U.S office of the Häagen-Dazs Proper Verb Conjugation Society. Where our motto is:
I Scream
You Scream
We All Scream for Ice Cream
So unless you are asking for advice on how to relieve ice cream headaches due to Cherry Garcia and other commonly mis-spelt words, I should like to bid you farewell and have an ice day. Good-bye."
(The above conversation is not an unusual occurrence in my life)... No kidding...
"Hello?"
"This is the minding other people's better business bureau telemarketing agency at an unknown location in America and various sites in Nigeria. How are you today?"
"Swell. And you?"
"Fine sir. We would like to yabba dadda yabba bubba ....."
"Sorry to interrupt, but I believe you have the wrong person. This is the U.S office of the Häagen-Dazs Proper Verb Conjugation Society. Where our motto is:
I Scream
You Scream
We All Scream for Ice Cream
So unless you are asking for advice on how to relieve ice cream headaches due to Cherry Garcia and other commonly mis-spelt words, I should like to bid you farewell and have an ice day. Good-bye."
(The above conversation is not an unusual occurrence in my life)... No kidding...
04 May 2010
The Game of Life
It came in a flash of insight. A revelation. A paradigmatic shift of consciousness. This time without the mushrooms.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
Where there's a way, there's a door.
Where there's a door, there's a knob.
Where there's a knob, there's a key.
Where there's a key, it'll probably get lost.
If it gets lost, it can be found by a good metal detector...
(This was a rather long epiphany and can be read in it's entirety in a future post)
I'll not bore you with the details but the end of the revelation was the answer to the Meaning of Life. More specifically, the meaning to Life-as-we-now-know-it. Not the next-life-as-some-of-us-will-know-it and certainly not life-in-any-previous-sort-of-existence.
The Meaning of Life is that life is essentially a game. A virtual reality game in which all the world's a stage and we're all the players. There's a small percentage of people that are actually stage props, but as they all now work for an un-named government agency we can disregard them for the time being.
Life, see, isn't really real. At least real as we usually think of the term real. It's virtual. The plan is for us to learn how to maneuver through all the different levels until time runs out or our energy levels deplete. In some cases, people really mess up and get removed from the system, but this is rare.
This virtual existence also explains spoon bending, the Bermuda Triangle, the rash of vanishing hitch-hikers on the West Coast, the occasional kidney heist, those hooks you sometimes see hanging on the doorway of your girlfriends house, UFOs, straight A's after your college roommate takes an extended vacation, and the Laws of Economics.
The secret is-we are not alone in the universe. Michael Jackson was right...you are not alone. Our actual bodies are hanging in some sort of hibernaculum/cocoon-like thing with tubes, wires, sensors, and probes all monitoring our every move.
Some of our more enlightened muses have even hinted around to our larval lives.
"Every breath you take and every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take, I'll be watching you
Every single day and every word you say
Every game you play"
--lyrics by Sting, boldness by me
Those beings you call angels are actually the hyper-somatic lab techs keeping us in the system. Some of the bad ones with plans of their own...the demons...keep trying to do their hack jobs. Occasionally, when things get slow, the angels will put on the VR gear and come into our sphere to do a little work...nudge us along...iron out the kinks...then step behind a tree and vanish.
Does this mean all those vanishing hitch-hikers in Los Angeles are angels?
Yep.
Does this mean all those hobos living under your neighborhood bridge are angels?
Nope.
Most of these are actual virtual real-life hobos...the ones you can smell. If they smell good, they might be hyper-somatic beings, people writing a book, or U.S. census workers trying to fit in. The rule of thumb is...if they smell like h.e. double l...they're not from heaven.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
Where there's a way, there's a door.
Where there's a door, there's a knob.
Where there's a knob, there's a key.
Where there's a key, it'll probably get lost.
If it gets lost, it can be found by a good metal detector...
(This was a rather long epiphany and can be read in it's entirety in a future post)
I'll not bore you with the details but the end of the revelation was the answer to the Meaning of Life. More specifically, the meaning to Life-as-we-now-know-it. Not the next-life-as-some-of-us-will-know-it and certainly not life-in-any-previous-sort-of-existence.
The Meaning of Life is that life is essentially a game. A virtual reality game in which all the world's a stage and we're all the players. There's a small percentage of people that are actually stage props, but as they all now work for an un-named government agency we can disregard them for the time being.
Life, see, isn't really real. At least real as we usually think of the term real. It's virtual. The plan is for us to learn how to maneuver through all the different levels until time runs out or our energy levels deplete. In some cases, people really mess up and get removed from the system, but this is rare.
This virtual existence also explains spoon bending, the Bermuda Triangle, the rash of vanishing hitch-hikers on the West Coast, the occasional kidney heist, those hooks you sometimes see hanging on the doorway of your girlfriends house, UFOs, straight A's after your college roommate takes an extended vacation, and the Laws of Economics.
The secret is-we are not alone in the universe. Michael Jackson was right...you are not alone. Our actual bodies are hanging in some sort of hibernaculum/cocoon-like thing with tubes, wires, sensors, and probes all monitoring our every move.
Some of our more enlightened muses have even hinted around to our larval lives.
"Every breath you take and every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take, I'll be watching you
Every single day and every word you say
Every game you play"
--lyrics by Sting, boldness by me
Those beings you call angels are actually the hyper-somatic lab techs keeping us in the system. Some of the bad ones with plans of their own...the demons...keep trying to do their hack jobs. Occasionally, when things get slow, the angels will put on the VR gear and come into our sphere to do a little work...nudge us along...iron out the kinks...then step behind a tree and vanish.
Does this mean all those vanishing hitch-hikers in Los Angeles are angels?
Yep.
Does this mean all those hobos living under your neighborhood bridge are angels?
Nope.
Most of these are actual virtual real-life hobos...the ones you can smell. If they smell good, they might be hyper-somatic beings, people writing a book, or U.S. census workers trying to fit in. The rule of thumb is...if they smell like h.e. double l...they're not from heaven.
20 April 2010
Fenway
I saw this little creature on youtube and decided I want one as a pet. The only thing I need is one river and a bag of otter chow.
16 April 2010
Buffalo Burgers
I went to Trader Joes this morning meaning to purchase a fan. I needed a new fan to blow smoke fumes outside-now that the stove is fixed. I've never been a smoker of tobacco products-just stuff like meat, eggs, mushrooms, leeks, onions, and various other members of the plant/animal/fungus/mineral kingdoms...basically anything that requires heating in a cast-iron skillet.
I thought Trader Joes was a discount store, but it's not. It's a grocery store that specializes in organic, green, environmentally-friendly, and bio-degradable food. It also sells Dentyne but I don't think Dentyne is bio-degradable unless you live near Chernobyl or Three-mile Island.
At first, I thought to leave without buying anything, but as everybody knows you cannot enter a grocery store without making a purchase. You can't say, "Oh, I'm just looking," like you can sometimes do at 7-11 from the hours between midnight and six A.M....at least without a straight face and a mask of some sort.
Since I had all the food and Dentyne I desired, I explored the aisles looking at the non-pesticided, free-ranging, organic plants and dead animals for sale. I discovered some buffalo meat labeled, 'raised without antibiotics or hormones.' Which I thought was a swell idea as injecting a creature 6 foot high at the shoulder, covered with black bristly hair, and sporting tusks with steroids was never a good idea. I figure guys like this already have enough issues in life.
Six hours later, in an experiment the likes of which I shall never try again, I drove to the neighboring park to run 6 miles. I won't say how far I got but I can assure you there is a very good reason why you never see any Olympic gold medalist attribute their performance to bison cheeseburgers on rye bread.
I thought Trader Joes was a discount store, but it's not. It's a grocery store that specializes in organic, green, environmentally-friendly, and bio-degradable food. It also sells Dentyne but I don't think Dentyne is bio-degradable unless you live near Chernobyl or Three-mile Island.
At first, I thought to leave without buying anything, but as everybody knows you cannot enter a grocery store without making a purchase. You can't say, "Oh, I'm just looking," like you can sometimes do at 7-11 from the hours between midnight and six A.M....at least without a straight face and a mask of some sort.
Since I had all the food and Dentyne I desired, I explored the aisles looking at the non-pesticided, free-ranging, organic plants and dead animals for sale. I discovered some buffalo meat labeled, 'raised without antibiotics or hormones.' Which I thought was a swell idea as injecting a creature 6 foot high at the shoulder, covered with black bristly hair, and sporting tusks with steroids was never a good idea. I figure guys like this already have enough issues in life.
Six hours later, in an experiment the likes of which I shall never try again, I drove to the neighboring park to run 6 miles. I won't say how far I got but I can assure you there is a very good reason why you never see any Olympic gold medalist attribute their performance to bison cheeseburgers on rye bread.
15 April 2010
I must buy this today.
"As foretold by ancient prophets, an apocalypse destroyed Earth during the twenty-first century. But two thousand years later Elyon set upon the Earth a new Adam. This time, He gave humanity an advantage. What was once unseen became seen. It was good and it was called . . . Green. But the evil Teeleh bided his time in a Black Forest. Then, when least expected, twenty-four-year-old Thomas Hunter fell asleep in our world and awoke in that future Black Forest."
Green: The Beginning and the End (Thorndike Press Large Print Christian Fiction)
by Ted Dekker
Green: The Beginning and the End (Thorndike Press Large Print Christian Fiction)
by Ted Dekker
09 April 2010
Dear Noah Webster
Dear Noah Webster,
You know that big book you wrote about the English language?
Yeah...the one with about 200 additions?
Nobody reads it anymore.
You should write another one with pictures and hieroglyphics and post it on Facebook along with coupons for free Happy Meals.
Regards,
Jason
You know that big book you wrote about the English language?
Yeah...the one with about 200 additions?
Nobody reads it anymore.
You should write another one with pictures and hieroglyphics and post it on Facebook along with coupons for free Happy Meals.
Regards,
Jason
30 March 2010
Word Pictures
A picture is not (usually) worth a thousand words unless it is an illiterate society. The closer a society approaches illiteracy-the more dumbed down it gets-the more images gain an influence. So when image is everything, the bad people know it is time to make their move.
Taking over a barbaric society is much easier than controlling a learned society because the barbarians do not know how to communicate clearly. All people know intuitively the difference between right and wrong, but if nobody can articulate exactly why certain things should be done then the moochers and the pirates can have a field day.
This is how many of history's dictators and warlords came to power.
An inarticulate society can be tricked into submission using nothing but pictures, sound bites, and slogans.
Sometimes all it takes is food, and if the society is obese and addicted...fat, dumb,and happy...so much the better.
Taking over a barbaric society is much easier than controlling a learned society because the barbarians do not know how to communicate clearly. All people know intuitively the difference between right and wrong, but if nobody can articulate exactly why certain things should be done then the moochers and the pirates can have a field day.
This is how many of history's dictators and warlords came to power.
An inarticulate society can be tricked into submission using nothing but pictures, sound bites, and slogans.
Sometimes all it takes is food, and if the society is obese and addicted...fat, dumb,and happy...so much the better.
20 March 2010
17 March 2010
The Official United States Census 2010: An Odyssey
By now, all you beloved readers have received the official US census form in the mail. If not, we can safely assume you are not an American...or worse...an un-person. The census begins by stating 'it must count every person living in the United States on April 1, 2010.' There are an estimated 6.8 billion persons living today and to expect a single census to count them all from the US has got to be an April Fool's Day joke.
The census also states to 'count all people, including babies, who live and sleep here most of the time.' It's scary to think that some people would not consider a baby to be a person and need to be told to count the little people.
We are also asked to name our race. As a biologist and a person I consider the word race to have very little inherent meaning. I think the only race is the human race and we are all descendants from Adam and Eve. Seeing as how Adam and Eve were from modern-day Southern Iraq, I assume this means all of us American persons are Iraqis engaged in a great civil war, counting everybody, from every nation so conceived and so dedicated for as long as we can endure.
The census also states to 'count all people, including babies, who live and sleep here most of the time.' It's scary to think that some people would not consider a baby to be a person and need to be told to count the little people.
We are also asked to name our race. As a biologist and a person I consider the word race to have very little inherent meaning. I think the only race is the human race and we are all descendants from Adam and Eve. Seeing as how Adam and Eve were from modern-day Southern Iraq, I assume this means all of us American persons are Iraqis engaged in a great civil war, counting everybody, from every nation so conceived and so dedicated for as long as we can endure.
10 March 2010
The Clam Boycott.
Early this morning my gastro-esophageal sphincter muscle friends abandoned me. Since then, I have been talking to Jesus and apologizing for the false offerings of clam chowder to the Gizzard God. Neptune, you should know, is responsible for this. He is to blame. The Great White Throne judgement I'm told will not be something you want to see. I know this from more than anecdotal experience and shall now enter into a lifelong boycott of clams, oysters, mussels, and other barnacle-like entities.
06 March 2010
Comida
Twas' the day before Sunday,
and all through the casa.
There was nothing to eat,
except Taco Bell salsa.
The cabinets were bare,
Except for the air.
Waiting for food,
That soon would be there.
I think it's time to explore the nearest grocery store.
and all through the casa.
There was nothing to eat,
except Taco Bell salsa.
The cabinets were bare,
Except for the air.
Waiting for food,
That soon would be there.
I think it's time to explore the nearest grocery store.
04 March 2010
Strangeness
While sauntering through the grocery store today an old man sporting a long grey shaggy beard, ripped and faded blue jeans, flannel shirt, and muddy moccasins approached me and said,
"It's all a conspiracy, you know. It really is. Just a big conspiracy."
And because I felt quite ornery I said, "You're right. It IS a big conspiracy. It...it's mind boggling."
The old geezer nodded.
I nodded.
Then the lady behind me took her loaf of bread, donuts, and bag of apples to another cashier.
"It's all a conspiracy, you know. It really is. Just a big conspiracy."
And because I felt quite ornery I said, "You're right. It IS a big conspiracy. It...it's mind boggling."
The old geezer nodded.
I nodded.
Then the lady behind me took her loaf of bread, donuts, and bag of apples to another cashier.
03 March 2010
28 February 2010
Purim
'Roses are reddish.
Violets are bluish.
When the Messiah comes.
You'll wish you were Jewish.'
--Yiddish Proverb with slight modifications
Happy Purim Everybody.
Violets are bluish.
When the Messiah comes.
You'll wish you were Jewish.'
--Yiddish Proverb with slight modifications
Happy Purim Everybody.
26 February 2010
24 Hours Sans Sueno
The good news is the headache is gone. Of course I'm on a lot of caffeine and aspirin to go with a most sunny sky.
I bought some sweetened condensed milk yesterday thinking it was like regular milk. It's not. I needed a spoon to get it out of the can. I don't know how they make milk like that-it doesn't come out of a cow that way. It looks like somebody just milked a sperm whale. Since I was there-there being Wal-Mart...the Super Center kind-I figured to get me some lunch. I got a pre-made submarine and some pepper. I needed the pepper to flavor the sandwich-that and I needed the pepper anyway. The pepper label had a warning saying it may contain traces of soy, milk, paprika, sodium benzoate and essence of Charn. The sodium benzoate I've heard of. We use it at work to calibrate bomb calorimeters. Very explosive stuff, but it burns steady. In the eight years I spent at college studying chemistry , never once did I hear of Charn. The only Charn I ever heard of was the mythical world that Jadis the White Witch came from. Charn didn't kill me-just made me sneeze alot. I also noticed the submarine sandwich's expiration date read 'sell by 4:21 A.M. on 24 Feb 2010.' My receipt read 'purchased at 5:37 A.M. 24 Feb 2010.' Great. So now I'm living on borrowed time thinking, "I have to eat this thing asap." If it were a Hardee's Mushroom Melt this wouldn't be a problem, but this was roast beast...and could practically feel the fungal spores ready to germinate. Horseradish sauce, you should know, has anti-microbial properties. Naturally I lathered up the beast with the stuff. I think it worked although my nose was runny for the next 37 hours. Another thing I noticed-at 5:37 A.M. when a guy walks in wearing dark green khaki (my work clothes), black gloves, boots, and a black pea coat and heads straight to the pharmacy section for energy drinks and casually puts a copy of 'The Catcher in the Rye' into his shopping cart-the store cops take notice and stare at you all funny-like. They probably thought I had issues in life.
I bought some sweetened condensed milk yesterday thinking it was like regular milk. It's not. I needed a spoon to get it out of the can. I don't know how they make milk like that-it doesn't come out of a cow that way. It looks like somebody just milked a sperm whale. Since I was there-there being Wal-Mart...the Super Center kind-I figured to get me some lunch. I got a pre-made submarine and some pepper. I needed the pepper to flavor the sandwich-that and I needed the pepper anyway. The pepper label had a warning saying it may contain traces of soy, milk, paprika, sodium benzoate and essence of Charn. The sodium benzoate I've heard of. We use it at work to calibrate bomb calorimeters. Very explosive stuff, but it burns steady. In the eight years I spent at college studying chemistry , never once did I hear of Charn. The only Charn I ever heard of was the mythical world that Jadis the White Witch came from. Charn didn't kill me-just made me sneeze alot. I also noticed the submarine sandwich's expiration date read 'sell by 4:21 A.M. on 24 Feb 2010.' My receipt read 'purchased at 5:37 A.M. 24 Feb 2010.' Great. So now I'm living on borrowed time thinking, "I have to eat this thing asap." If it were a Hardee's Mushroom Melt this wouldn't be a problem, but this was roast beast...and could practically feel the fungal spores ready to germinate. Horseradish sauce, you should know, has anti-microbial properties. Naturally I lathered up the beast with the stuff. I think it worked although my nose was runny for the next 37 hours. Another thing I noticed-at 5:37 A.M. when a guy walks in wearing dark green khaki (my work clothes), black gloves, boots, and a black pea coat and heads straight to the pharmacy section for energy drinks and casually puts a copy of 'The Catcher in the Rye' into his shopping cart-the store cops take notice and stare at you all funny-like. They probably thought I had issues in life.
16 February 2010
Year of the Tiger: Day 2
Ever get the feeling that Life as we know know it is really a type of virtual reality in relation to a more real existence called real life?
I think this is a pretty good explanation of reality as it explains a lot of things that make no logical sense. Hormones and drugs (the same things really) make people do irrational things, but these are generally expected when partakes of strange substances. This also explains why women, being more intuitive and complex than men, are more in tune with something generically called Spirituality. Their virtual reality machinery is more fine-tuned to pick-up the subtle nuances, the quantum state changes in matter, that make-up the universe.
Does this sound New-Agey? Probably. But if one looks at the history of humanity, one cannot help but notice that everything seems to unfold like a well-written book composed by a super-intellect.
I think this is a pretty good explanation of reality as it explains a lot of things that make no logical sense. Hormones and drugs (the same things really) make people do irrational things, but these are generally expected when partakes of strange substances. This also explains why women, being more intuitive and complex than men, are more in tune with something generically called Spirituality. Their virtual reality machinery is more fine-tuned to pick-up the subtle nuances, the quantum state changes in matter, that make-up the universe.
Does this sound New-Agey? Probably. But if one looks at the history of humanity, one cannot help but notice that everything seems to unfold like a well-written book composed by a super-intellect.
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