21 October 2009

Mind the Rent

For Rent: I am renting my mind out to the highest bidder. Anybody needing vitriolic biting sarcasm, irony, hyperbole, word-play, puns, one-liners, quick-witted observations, flippant remarks, and abstract and deep philosophical insights on nonsensical themes feel free to e-mail me, myself, or my alter-ego.

I take PayPal, all forms of non-mutilated cash, am open to bartering, and will even accept canned goods with expiration dates before 21 Dec 2012...which according to the Mayan calendar is when the world will end.

Thank you and have a pleasant proletarian day.

(ed. note) if contacting my alter-ego, please specify which one of the 7 or 8 you need, want, or desire.

12 October 2009

Heigh Ho! Heigh Ho! Across the River Styx We Go!

To go to Hell, click here.

Should you decide to enter, you'll find yourself listening to a conversation between two demons. . .Wormwood and Screwtape.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

10 October 2009

The Day We Bombed the Moon

We should have never bombed the moon yesterday, now the whole world's gone lunar.

I don’t know why we bombed the moon yesterday, but I love to have been at the meeting where it was decided by all those PhDs to do so.

Something tells me there was a lot of drinking that day. That same something also tells me their drinks were fermented in some vast underground cavern in Oslo and overseen by five Norwegians under the impression it was Thor’s Will. And something more of the same something tells me that someone somewhere got hold of this something, sold it to somebody, and. . .to make a long story short. . .used it for a Beer Summit.

This is all theory, of course, but it might possibly explain how Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. It was Thor’s Will. Thor was appeased and rewarded BO for his product placement skills.

Does this make sense? Not really. But one must keep in mind that Thor’s ways are not our ways. And that what seemeth right to a man may be altered given the right substances and a long frigid Scandinavian night.

All of which caused me to wonder, ‘if a Beer Summit can win the Nobel, what would a Sparkling Grape Juice Symposium get me. . .hmmm’

What does this all mean now?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

What this means is the Nobel Peace Prize is officially cheaper than the free toy in a box of Cheerios. Arafat, Jimmy Carter, and Al Gore won it, but Gandhi did not. Obama winning the Nobel Prize for talking and holding Beer Summits is like giving Nero a Grammy for fiddling.

07 October 2009

This almost sounds like a good idea.

This almost sounds like a good idea.

"focusing on concrete, local, immediate issues that have an impact on people's lives is what really makes a difference and...having protests about abstractions [such] as global capitalism or something, generally, is not really going to make much of a difference."

--Barack Obama


September 22, 2009

Do you think BO has any idea about what regular Americans think? I never did think the man's elevator went to the top floor, and still don't. It's funny, because he lives in an ivory tower. . .sort of like Saruman. . .and pretends to be the fount of wisdom.

People should watch BO very closely. This is a creature who says one thing and does something totally different. In his heart, I think he wants to turn America into a second-world country and run it like the pigs in Animal Farm. He wants to make it into a Socialist state on par with Europe. Complete with socialized health care, high taxes, large government, small armed forces, and overseen by a police force. . .much as Adolph and his stormtroopers.

BO doesn't truly consider himself a patriotic American. He considers himself to be a world citizen on the same level as Napoleon, Alexander the Great, Nebuchadnezzar, and many others.

Whether he is aware of it or not, he is a tool. A tool being used by the giants Media and Mammon for their own purposes in rebellion against someone they've had a grudge on since time immemorial. Some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. Some of you do not.

The last thing we need is to have his army of orcs running loose messing up the place.

05 October 2009


Remember when you were a little kid and you forced yourself to stay awake all night long and actually succeeded because you drank a lot of coffee your parents told you not to and now it's the next day and you're very very sleepy and half hallucinating and not quite 100% aware of reality as you're half in dreamland but trying very hard to stay awake because the sun is still up and nobody except babies and old people and old weird Larry sleep during the day. . .and did I just say that?. . .and your thoughts sort of run along continuously like a stream in the mountains of Pocahontas County, West Virginia during August when the water level is down because like I said earlier sometime in the past, though I'm not sure exactly when as time isn't acting quite right now, and you know. . .this is how I feel right now.

Thirty-six straight hours of non-stop work.

Tomorrow I shall re-read what I just typed and possibly, quite possibly, edit it for coherence, lucidity, and credulity.

And then again-maybe I won't.