30 October 2008

A government for the people.

Barack has promised to redistribute the wealth should he get elected. Because while we all should strive for the American dream, we shouldn't strive too much, as that, apparently, would be unfair to the huddled masses yearning for more welfare.

He claims not to be a Socialist, and I for one, believe him.

I also believe in a flat Earth, Uniformitarian geology, and regularly consult the astrology column in Cosmopolitan for stock market advice.

A little primer on governments:

Socialism: This is where the government takes one of your two cows and gives it to your cow-less neighbor.

Communism: Everybody owns the cows and drinks the milk. It's one big happy family.

Monarchism: The king owns the cows and lets you drink the milk in exchange for picking his apple orchards.

Totalitarianism: The big guy in charge owns the cows, the milk, the apple orchards, and can do what he pleases.

Capitalism: This is where you sell one of your cows and buy a bull.

I think you know which one works best.

In Socialism, when all the industrious people-doctors, lawyers, engineers, and Indian chiefs-have to give what they've earned through hard-work, sweat, tears, and sleep-less nights working to lazy incompetent folks, they inevitably stop being industrious since they're no real reason to do so. All their work is for naught. In time, society decays and time reverses course to the Dark Ages. We've seen what happened to all those Eastern European countries and that thing formerly called the Soviet Union.

25 October 2008


Good writing is hard because you use your mind. Using the mind requires energy and muscles. Flaccid brain muscles-or atrophied neurons from disuse-make good writing harder. Practice makes better, as does peace, quiet, solitude, and a warm padded prison cell.

'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' is a noble idea. Good advice unless one is suicidal.

True individuality can only be achieved with the sustained company of others. This does not mean one should spend all day in the company of others. It means we should have regular contact with people and not live a monastic life. . .tempting though it may be. Some people, most people really, need a great deal of time, perhaps the majority of their time, with others for good emotional health. Especially the bodily-kinesthetic types with ADD. Alone by themselves for an hour or so and they start scratching the walls. It is hard for them to realize not everybody is as they are. A umber of people need hours upon hours in solitude to get any work done-the kind of work they have been designed to do. Putting one of these people, we'll call them introverts (and no-that does NOT mean they're shy) into a high-stress people-oriented job such as sales will send them to an early grave. This is one reason why Pandas don't do well in zoos and why lions sleep all day.

Certain animals shouldn't be in captivity. Lions, tigers, sloths, eagles-all solitary creatures who prefer large open grassy places. The two grey squirrels living in the oak tree in my back yard are introverts. Of this I am certain. Yesterday a 3rd squirrel came over to visit. My two squirrels didn't want to play and spent a good half-hour wrestling with the neighbor.

Everyone is equal, but not not everyone can multi-task. I try to multi-task, but truth be told, I'm horrible at it. I can do it to a certain extent, but prefer doing things one at a time.

Trying to get pandas to act like other animals because the other animals think it should act like them is bad policy. Pandas in captivity don't do to good and almost never breed due to the stress. They live short lives ans get aggressive due to mental instability. Dams are made to withstand stress, but only so much. Even Hoover Dam will burst if a small leak develops. People should know this. They act as if they don't. If you tell them this, they get emotional and call you selfish. Selfish for placing your own ambitions over those of the family. But to do what others think you should do instead of what you are designed to do hurts the family. For a family member to continue doing something they've no business doing is to limit the family's usefulness and effectiveness in society. Not everyone is designed to be auto mechanics. Some people fix helicopters.

Pandas need seclusion and bamboo to live like they're supposed to live. They should not be caged and gleered at by humans. Pandas don't act right when watched.

24 October 2008

Unauthorized experiments are generally unauthorized for good reasons

Working in a chemistry lab after hours can be dangerous to your health.

That's not to say it is uninteresting.

For example, yesterday we discovered. . .sort of by accident. . .a novel way of destroying beakers by manufacturing a synthetic sugary lava-like substance, quite evil-smelling, with a pH of 1.

(Pics will be coming once the camera gets all the acid fumes removed)

We had a sign in the lab stating-Days without an accident.

That got depressing seeing all the ones and zeros so we changed it to-Days without any significant accidents.

This really didn't make us feel much better. So again the sign was changed to read-Weekend Days without any significant accidents.

Life was good for a time-moral reach new levels until we picked up more clients and started to work more weekends.

Naturally, the sign needed updating. This time it was amended to read-Significant Days without any Incidents.

You can only guess what happened.

To make a long story short, we decided with all the ex-hippies running around to call it-Significant Weekend Days without incense.

Now we are all living happily-ever after.

(Until somebody gets hurt)

20 October 2008


Love or hate her, she has made this election season one for the history books.

17 October 2008


Dear American Women,

Now that the Christmas shopping season is upon us, what do you get that special man in your life? The best thing is a lamp, preferably one with a minimum of three light sockets that swivel in any direction except up. I bought one this morning, along with a vacuum cleaner and a box of energy drinks. . .shopping you know. Nearly every single guy on the planet, for mysterious reasons, never have enough light. They seem to enjoy living in a perpetual, twilight, sort of moodiness.

(Perhaps it reminds them of Mars???)

I really don't know. I do know that God, who I'm assuming is a guy, and single, the first thing he did before making the planets, stars, plants, trees, dinosaurs, earth, wind, fire, cows, asteroids, curvy women, donkeys, words, and black holes was create light. It says so in the Bible. There's few things worse than when you're making a cabinet, or universe in this case, than working in the dark. You think you know what you're doing but really aren't sure. It's kind of hit-or-miss. Too much like evolution. Chance.

And still we have the aardvark. . .and the platypus. Two strange creatures that God himself probably made during a temporary light shortage and needed to resort to candles.

16 October 2008


There are three things that are hard to understand in America; Four things that would make it nearly intolerable.

Higher taxes, abortion, friendship with terrorists, and a President in favor of them all.

I learned two things last night.

Arguing with an idiot is a waste of time and even an idiot can look smart if he acts cool, calm, and collected.

I really do not know why a U.S. citizen would vote for BO. One must be stupid, incredibly misinformed, or living in a cave to do so.


One must have a twisted sense of reality, hate America (and people in general), or be horribly misinformed about Life in general. Yet, people will vote for the guy. People will also commit murder, rape, abuse children, and wonder why they're obese after eating fast food 10 times a week for years.

I realize that American society, as a whole, is not nearly as wise as they think they are and certainly not as wise as they were 60 years ago. Sure, they know more facts, but knowing more facts doesn't mean you know what to do with them.

Joe Biden said it is patriotic for the rich to pay more taxes. Apparently, Joe has a thing for men-in-tights. I think Bo should do the patriotic thing and drop out of the election and do something he's qualified for. Something like, oh say, (I'm still thinking). . .

For those of you planning to vote for BO, I want to encourage you to get your head out of Barackistan, think with your mind. . .not your emotions or what the neighbors tell you to do. . .and vote for McCain.

11 October 2008

Reading the Bible will rectify many stinking situations caused by BO

I want to take this time to encourage people to read the Bible as it is the definitive guide to Life as we know it.

It is also the definitive guide to Life-as-we-don't-know-it-as-of-yet, but will most certainly help us make sense of the next stage of Life in pretty much the same way as Physics 101 is rumored to do but without the math. A good thing for those of us not mathematically inclined and have trouble balancing a checkbook. And if you're like me, no matter how many times you try, every gust of wind keeps knocking the thing down.

Fortunately the Bible talks alot about money and even deifies the love of it and calls it Mammon. A nefarious god who was, and is, and will always be around for at least a few more years until he gets replaced by the credit card god. . .at the moment-nameless, but we'll call him Barry.

Barry, see, will be a wicked creature who thinks anybody with money should give it to him. . .which is what you'd expect as Barry is always asking for change and won't rest until nobody has any money and change will be a dream of the past.

Like Robin Hood and his merry band of leotard-wearing men, he will take stuff from the Haves and give it to the Have Nots. You can think of it as robbing in the hood. In time, equality will be reached as everybody will be a Have Not.

We won't know it, of course, as language will simply be a complicated series of handshakes, emoticons, and rhetoric due the the Googlar phenomenon.

The Googlar Phenomenon???

Yes, you know, nobody really knows anything because the Googlar will answer all things so we can spend the rest of Life doing the important things like updating our Facebook and Myspace pages. . .minding other's business in the New Stone Age. . .or the (NSA) as it will be called.

You see, reality is frequently inaccurate, which makes Life only that much more interesting. For who can stand to exist in a reality in which one knows what's going to happen 5 minutes from now?

02 October 2008


It is 7:50 PM now on the east coast of America. In little more than an hour Sarah will debate Delaware Joey in St. Louis. No matter how either person does, it would behoove all you readers out there in cyberland to register to vote asap.

Preferably for McCain/Palin.

Unless you really want to experience life in an Orwellian future. I don't. I liked Animal Farm, 1984, and Brave New World. But I appreciate them as good books, as stories, not as life in Amerika.

It's unsettling the images Obama has of himself posturing as some kind of Soviet-era dictator in Eastern Europe. He's well-educated, and makes a fairly good writer. . .a little fuzzy on the facts. . .and his logic doesn't exactly coincide with reality.

One must keep in mind that knowing a lot of facts doesn't mean having a lot of wisdom. I personally know many people who know many facts, but you wouldn't want to give them much responsibility.

Knowledge is a good thing. Knowing what to do with it is another thing entirely.