24 February 2009

Missio Dei

I spent the last week fasting. No food. Just water, tea, coffee, and anything you can mix in a blender that doesn't require flossing afterwards. A very religious woman once told me you don't feel hunger after 3 days. She lied. After 6 days you can smell a carrot underground from 200 feet away and consider rabbits as the enemy. The Gospels expect Christians to fast, which seems strange, but remember the Gospels were written in a predominately Middle Eastern culture and the customs are somewhat different than ours.
The Gospel, or the Good News, is Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. . .Not Stuff White People Like, as Americans believe. It's easier to feel God when you're fasting. I think this is because you feel like you're going to die and people start feeling very holy when this happens as Ezekiel of old apparently did. Notice that his strange visions of the bright shining creatures took place after a time of fasting. Also notice that an angel put a live coal in his mouth and told him to eat a flying scroll-solid foods. Well, not really food. . .yet he said the scroll tasted like honey. . .until indigestion set in.
I also discovered that during fasting one has a tendency to get quite logical and go on starch and rescue missions looking for edible things to place in the mouth that, strictly-speaking, are not food. Dating is also difficult-not that I would really know-but others told me of cruising the local roads with the windows down huffing fumes from McDonalds and Wendys.
Quite often, one gets strange dreams and visions. Once, after four days, the Lord spoke to me in a dream and said,

"Arise, my son. Go ye into the marketplace and there prepare me a sacrifice. Take a bird, set it in the flames, and roast it for a time, times, and half a time at 350 degrees. Then anoint it with bbq sauce and consume the flesh of the beast, then you will have the strength of men and angels. Go now. Make haste. And fear not the eyes of mortal men for I am with you-thus sayeth the Lord."

I heeded the Voice. To obey is better than sacrifice you know, and arose from my bed. Put on my sacks and ashes. . .and sauntered into Krogers with bent back and bowed head. I felt like a weary pilgrim returning to the Holy Land. . .although the sunglasses kind of took away the effect.
I found the creature (just as the Lord described) wrapped in swaddled plastic and laying in a bed of ice. It was a trite little beast, barely the size of a man's hand. I held the dainty creature to my bosom and solemnly walked to the checkout. . .and laid the beast upon the counter and piously watched as it slowly moved towards the cashier.
My hands were clenched. . .tears welled in my eyes. . .and as I lifted mine eyes to give thanks unto the Lord for this creature sent from heaven. I noticed the cashier was a lady from the church.
She looked at me and said, "Say. I know you. You're that quiet fellow always sitting in the back. You're not gonna eat this thing, are ya. We're supposed to be fasting"

I put my hands to my lips and replied, "Shhh. . .quiet. . .can't. . .can't speak now. . .You. . .don't understand. . .You see. . .I'm on a mission from God."

20 February 2009

18 Random Facts About Me

1. I've always wanted to be dictator over a small 3rd-world country in South America.

2. I really like Khaki and own 5 pairs of Khaki pants more-or-less identical to one another.

3. I'm somewhat egotistical and have grandiose plans.

4. Guns, missiles, rockets, and small cannon fire fascinate me.

5. When I was 13-years-old, I built a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher.

6. When I was 13-and a half years-old, the only reason I wasn't sent to a juvenile detention center was because the county judge was golfing that day.

7. I like golf and merciful assistant magistrates.

8. I often envision myself on national currency.

9. I think Parrish should be the capital of France.

10. After reading Julius Caesar's Gallic Wars, I felt like I could have offered him some suggestions.

11. Sometimes I practice lecturing 100,000 people in a large courtyard while standing on a balcony. One hand is raised, the other is behind my back concealing crossed fingers.

12. My reasons for studying Spanish in high school were more than utilitarian.

13. I often have dreams of living underground in something like a bunker. I tell myself that avoiding the sun's radiation will prolong my life and give me a good complexion, but never am truly convinced this is the right reason.

14. Relatives tell me I live in my own world and to stop day-dreaming. When I do, the same relatives tell me. . ."Maybe you should go back to your own little world." This is often said with furrowed brow and tone of voice used when discussing death and taxes.

15. In 1999, I spent a month in Asia. The national elections took place my last day there. The Communist Party was elected to a majority and that night the streets were filled with crowds of people waving red flags. The group leader told us to "maintain a low profile because it might not be a good idea if they knew we were Americans."

16. In 2001, I joined the Peace Corps and was supposed to go to Sub-Sahara Africa and teach agriculture to people who had done it for 4-5,000 years. I moved to southern West Virginia instead. I figured the pay rate was better, but never could quite grasp the language and cultural barrier.

17. Believe it or not, I have never done drugs and with the exception of a single margarita. . .and a few bottles of Robotussin. . .have never drunk anything alcoholic.

18. It would be neat to begin my memoirs with 'It was the best of tmes. It was the worst of times. It was time to raise the taxes.'

16 February 2009

Some of my current thoughts

Bad ideas are still bad even even they're popular. The Bailout comes to mind. The Right to do something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Abortion comes to mind. An absolute monarchy is the best form of government, unfortunately good kings are hard to come by so we must compromise and go with a democracy. Where we all watch one another-it's the checks and balances thing. The more laws a society, the more immoral is that society. There are no laws against faith, hope, and love, but with their absence, lawyers can make a killing. For every virtue, there are two vices. Tolerance is good, intolerance is bad, as is soft-headedness. America is leaning more and more towards soft-headedness and needs to be righted. A bad government is better than no government for with no government it is only a matter of time before people do want they want and say what they mean. And mean people often have louder voices than nice people and do what they want. People say you cannot legislate immorality, but this is nonsense. For all laws are based on moral principles. It's one of the needed assumptions one must when setting up such things as constitutions. If morals are relative (and not absolute), then laws are merely subject to the interpretation of whoever wears the black robe and holds the hammer. A society with meaningless laws, subjective laws, can only lead to chaos and ruin. If one looks to the logical endpoint of this kind of society, the black robed man will exchange the hammer for a sickle an make everybody equally grim whether they like it or not. If Darwinism is valid, then Hitler was perfectly justified in killing six million Jews. This might seem scary, yet it is the logical endpoint of the theory. First go the fetuses (after all they're not fully human yet). Next comes the terminally ill (if we call it euthanasia they'll never know). Then comes the senior citizens (who have nothing to contribute to Society). Finally comes the Undesirables (with their aberrant DNA polluting the system). Does anyone venture to guess who comes next?

09 February 2009


For those of you who want to know what exactly it is I do all day, this gives you some idea.

Today's sign of the Apocalypse: I saw a sign saying '...Buck's Coffee." (The Star lights were out.) Somehow I don't business was doing well there. Something about Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino® blended coffee with Chocolate Whipped Cream made by Buck just does not seem right.

Blogging is what a taste of heaven will be like. People blog because they want to be known, especially by their writings. People read blogs, and write in general, to be known. All this is a foreshadowing of things to come. In heaven, we'll pretty much know everyone else as they really are. And some of the strangest and quietest people you see will be (surprise, surprise) very very interesting.

Camel: For Sale

My roommate is selling a camel on the Norfolk Craigslist.

-It would be a great investment and an excellent conversation starter.

-Satisfy you're inner nomad.

-For there's a little Sheik in all of us.

The beast of burden is a little over two feet tall, and looks to be hand-carved. We took more pictures, unfortunately they all looked more like a horse, greyhound, or something from Star Wars.