30 January 2007

Give me your charred masses, urning to be free

According to the 30 January 2002 edition of USA Today and a certain little calendar-like boxy thing at work,

Ed Headrick, inventor of the Frisbee died at the age of 78 years exactly 5 years ago. He family cremated his body and molded the ashes into the shape of a flying saucer.

One wit observed that now the grandkids could always play catch with grandpa.

A post

Hmmm.......haven't posted in awhile. Should do that. Perhaps tomorrow.

25 January 2007

Beer Facts

On this date in 1935, beer was first sold in cans.

--Steel Times, 5/1/01

20 January 2007

Things are coming to a point

Things are coming to a point.

With technology moving so fast, today's world is one big community. You can be anywhere on this planet in 2 days. From Virginia Beach, it is 4-5 hours to LAX. 20 hours to Tokyo. 5 hours to Bangkok. 20 hours back to New York. Then an hour or so back here.

5+20+5+22+1=53 hours

OK, so two and a half days to circumnavigate the globe. Pretty good considering it took Magellan (or some other Portuguese guy) over a year merely 500 years ago.

666. The number of man. What does this mean? Probably exactly what it says. . .the number of man, that is, the number of all the people on the planet, which currently is 6.6 billion.

Something very significant must happen soon in the world that will profoundly affect the next millennium. What. . .I don’t know. The rapture of the Church comes to mind. I know these macro cycles seem to come at 1,000 year intervals.

Adam-6,000 B.C.
Noah’s Flood destroying everything 1,500 years later.
2,000 years after Adam came Abraham.
1,000 years later came King David.
1,000 years later, God himself came as a human to set the world right again.
1,000 years after that. . .I’m not exactly sure, but something probably highly significant took place, and it wasn’t just Magna Carta.

Now we’re here, at the beginning of the seventh millennium on God’s little planet. Like squirrels chattering all day long. God has already written the book, we’re the characters, and anybody with any sense whatsoever should know something’s about to give. The good keep getting more refined, the bad are getting more perverse, scoffers and mockers are running their mouths off like runaway trains.

Jezebel has declared she is running for President. . .(this requires a separate posting)

It is now, theoretically possible to clone a human by taking cells from a human female. (Would it be human???)

Probably not.

It would be an abomination of mankind. A perfect mockery of humankind.

I don’t think God would allow all these wonderful gadgets we’ve produced in the last decade to be made if it wasn’t designed for his purpose. Sure, bad men are perverting the digital highways, but the poor and stupid will always be with us. It’s no accident that one can pick up a cell phone, take a picture of one ’s self, and e-mail it to somebody in Mongolia within seconds. Look at the time Jesus arrived. Shortly after Rome united a world of barbarians and made a good safe system of roads. It’s genius. God using Satan to build the superstructure necessary for His purposes.

19 January 2007


On top of a dry and dusty shelf at the chemistry lab, can be found a calendar with an interesting fact for the day. Todays entry reads,

1. Day of the week most bank robberies occur: Friday

2. Amount stolen in average bank robbery: $5,000

3. Odds that a bank robber is apprehended: 3 in 4

What this means to me is that I have a 25% chance of getting a $5,000 bonus today, providing of course, whether or not I find that mask I always wear skiing. . .

18 January 2007

The Tall Dark Hunk with the Rippling Rump

a short story

by me

part I

Senor San Diego Carlos Juan Valdez Consuelo del Riviera stood 4' 11'' when standing on his toes and weighed 98 lbs soaking wet. A nurse once described him as diffusively hirsute, which in layman's terms means 'hairier than Borat, but less than Bigfoot.' Over the years, he had acquired what come called a pot belly, and others a beer belly, yet he had never smoked or drunk either. He affectionately referred to it as his hump. You see, his favorite mammal was the dromendary. In a little cabinet, he stored a wooden camel. The statue was the gift from an ex-girlfriend who purchased it from a yard sale for 50 cents. He worshiped the little beast as an idol.

Diego, in his words, was "training for the Olympic Games in weightlifting." While others were not of the same opinion, nevertheless, they wished him the best, lotsa luck, and plenty of good karma. . .as they felt sure he needed all three. Everyday, Diego consumed three high protein GNC double-express drinks with religious zeal. After two years of rigorous training, the results were stunning. He upped his bench-press to 88 lbs and gained 7 lbs of upper-body mass.

One day, after a particularly grueling work-out, he looked in the mirror and exclaimed, "one day, my boy, you'll show em.' They'll see. . .they'll all see."

Diego's favorite tee-shirt was a ragged old mop, faded green with yellow stains around the armpit. It said 'The Little Engine that Could.' He had won it at the state fair and felt mysteriously drawn to it. This was always said in the ominous overtones most people used when discussing paranormal activity and cancer.

end of part I

next week. . .part II

11 January 2007

Some Wisdom

1 Comfort vs. Style: One should never sacrifice comfort for the sake of style. Pain is quite often the punishment for petty vanity. It’s true. It’s implied in Leviticus. Neither should one sacrifice style for comfort. Wear what you like, and like what you wear. Just don’t be a cheapskate. Life is too short. Which brings us to our next topic.

Teeth Whitening: With the invention of sandblasting during the early part of the twentieth century, anyone can now experience a pearly white smile. Sure, your teeth may be two millimeters tall, but with everyone on liquid carb-free diets nowadays, this is not a problem. For those of you without access to a sandblaster, chewing sandpaper is the next best thing.

"But 84 Lumber is closed today," you might ask.

Have no fear gentle readers, SuperWalmart is ALWAYS open. Even on Yom Kippur. Sandpaper has one drawback, it only comes in two flavors: Dover English Chalk and White Desert Sand. Fortunately, a third option exists. Granola cereal. One cup inserted into the mouth before leaving for work and after passionately kissing your young, hip, curvy, voluptuous wife with long hair, red lips, and penchant for preserved vegetables should do the trick. Just make sure you take your Crest as co-workers can sometimes be a bit leery of working with the ‘man-with-the-speckled-leopard-teeth.’

And now, some History

Flare: Flare and I had a tenuous relationship for two years.

A very long two years.

It was during this period of my life, referred to as the Dark Ages, I aged from a 19-year-old ready to take on the world charismatic political world leader to be, into a 47-year-old, fat, bald, bohemian who oftentimes got arrested for vagrancy. You see, I had a dream. In this dream, I was skipping in a meadow with a basket in my hand. The basket was inscribed with the word ‘OPTIONS’ and it had a hole in it. It was a time that tried man’s soul. It has been said by one wit ‘Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.’ Which is true unless 100% methanol is used. It has also been said ‘Where there’s smoke, there’s Flare.’

What would precipitate such a profound maxim?

Dating Flare required smoke and mirrors.

Flare was not what we modern folk typically refer to as ‘visually appealing,’ nor what old folks call ‘beautiful,’ nor what Neanderthals called ‘mammoth good.’ And while some would say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it is a rare man to associate feminine beauty with the face of a bulldog.

I got me a woman with a hook in her nose
She’s got two buck teeth and wears second hand clothes
She stutters when she speaks and walks with a hop
I don’t know why I love her but I just can’t stop
I’m in love with the ugliest girl in the world

But Flare had substance, Flare had style, Flare had, well...flare. She had a wonderful personality and she made a great cook.

The woman I love has got two flat feet
a nose like a crow, and her eyebrows meet
When she talks she says ba ba baby...I I Luv uv....youuu
But there’s nothing in this world, I wouldn’t do for her
(Ya see) I’m in love with the ugliest girl in the world

But a lass, she was, much like her name implies...a passing fancy. I do miss her so. And should we ever meet again on the other side of eternity. . .well. . .God gives beauty for ashes. . .I’m really counting on it.

Again, The Wiggle Has Spoken

1 -The following may not apply to residents of Kentucky, Southern West Virginia, or the section of North Carolina stretching from roughly Raleigh/Durham to Charlotte.

2- paraphrase from a really old Bob Dylan song

3- More paraphrasing from a really old Bob Dylan song

06 January 2007


6 January 1943

Date on which the U.S. government banned all pleasure driving on the east Coast.

--USA Today, 3 June 1994

05 January 2007

Job Interview

Job interview today. I do not do well at these things. Today's session consisted of 3 men and a lady drilling me with questions for 45 minutes. I felt perfectly relaxed, but I think they wanted me to speak more. What I really wanted to say was,

"Hi! My name is Jason. I have an IQ of 150, have never done drugs, and I promise to never steal pencils or surf the net on company time. Hire me. You'll be happy."

It's going to be 75 degrees tomorrow.

I 'heart' global warming.

Interesting fact

According to Italian mythology, the best time to get a haircut is during the full moon.

03 January 2007

There's a moon out tonight

Isn't this pretty much always the case?

Tonight, Orion was playing under the full orb of Luna. And at exactly 2:00AM EST, both could be seen over the building where we chemistry people prep the samples for analyses.

I waited in the Starbucks drive-thru so long today, that I discovered two four-leaf clovers.

We won the Gator Bowl. We, as in, the WVU football team and Me. (Or is it I) English was never my favorite subject in school. I had an English teacher who wrote on the chalkboard.

'I don't have no fun at the beach.'

And she asked me how I would I correct this problem. I told her "get a boyfriend, thing's will pick up for you." That was a long semester.

So, Them and Me. . .Us. . .won the Gator bowl. Beat Georgia Tech 38-35, and without our best player.

After working the night shift in a chemistry lab for the past two years and sleeping during the day, I have come to the conclusion that I miss the Sun. I mean, I see it two days out of the week, but I think humans work better physiologically when the sun is shining. . .at least in your hemispere. One of my new year's resolutions is to limit my average caffeine consumption to less than 100 mg/24 hour period except during emergencies. Emergency, in this case, being a nebulous term which can change definitions anytime the spirit moves me. Kind of like how Evolutionists change the meaning of the term evolution when discussing all things biology. (Can you tell I made a trip to 7-11 tonight to buy a bottle of Mountain Dew. . .Tis true. I doth splurged and drinketh the cup of the gods.

Currently reading: nothing at all because I'm typing. But if I wasn't, I'd be reading

The Food of the Gods
The Lost World
The Bible
and the back of the cereal box (which is not a book, rather a sort of pamphlet that also functions as a wall for little boys to stare at when they don't want to see their little sister chew with her mouth open when she's sitting across from you at 6 in the morning)

Jason, please go to sleep now. It's almost daylight.

01 January 2007

Happy New Year

January the 1st.


I predict this will be a most interesting year.