24 August 2006

Hi Mom. No, I'm not bulemic. . .

I present to you, oh gentle reader, the receipt I received for the 11 items I purchased today.

All 7 ft 11 inches of it.
I'm glad I wasn't shopping for an orphanage.

23 August 2006

Must Read

Attention all English-speaking humans. Read this book. It's hilarious and funny as well. It's like a Pacific-Northwest version of 'To Kill a Mockingbird.' (Of course, I'm only at pg 198-that may change)

21 August 2006

I found this while packing today among some files

STUDENT BLOOPERS by Richard Lederer (St. Paul's School)

(Note: I obtained this text file at an education conference. Copies were distributed to all in
attendance to promote a forthcoming book by Mr. Lederer. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
I laughed until tears came to my eyes.
--H. Bonillas)

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional
jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following “history” of the world
from certifiably, genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through the college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and
traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of dessert are cultivated by irrigation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a large triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns—Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In middevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg, for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being, excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long solilguy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakepear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next author was John Milton. Miltonwrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post Without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was
born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "in onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to sring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormisk raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the ArchDuck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
(end of file)

18 August 2006

Jack and Buck

I have-in my possession-a cassette tape of a one Mister Clive Staples Lewis giving a speech on the four loves. I do not remember exactly where I procured this little audio treasure. I believe I found it online.

The voice: is not what I expected it to sound like. Intuitively,this was known. You read everything someone has written-and then-hear them speak for the first time, and it's never quite what you expect. He sounds exactly how he writes, but I prefer the book version instead.

Uncle Buck:

Ever see the movie? I have an Uncle Buck. Yep. Tis true. In my biological family, there is a man who is classified as an uncle in relation to me, and his name is Buck. Actually, he's my great-uncle Buck, but I still call him

Uncle Buck

Uncle Buck has long curly red hair and a pointy red beard. Uncle Buck rides a Harley and smokes a pipe. Uncle Buck always wears blue jeans. Uncle Buck lives in the mid-west and can play a banjo. Uncle Buck does not wear ties-he wears bolos. Uncle Buck likes to bowl.

Uncle Buck

16 August 2006



You've got to love them. That's my stumbling block. I'm terribly logical and try to rationalize everything. Spontaneity is good, but I have to plan it. But of course faith doesn't work that way, nor women. God wants us to be at least a little spontaneous. He hates boredom. Mediocrity. Something I detest with passion. Man is a fascinating creature with endless possibilities to create and invent. I see most of my friend's lives and observe. After 25 years on Earth, mediocrity sets in. They become set in their ways; their hearts harden and loves becomes cold. They fear. Change bothers them, as they mosey through life in humdrum fashion. 'What might have been' could be the story of man. But this is wrong, unnatural, the result of the fall in the garden...I feel a rotisserie chicken fit coming on. Will someone help me?

12 August 2006

Accidents Happen





11 August 2006

Where I grew up

This is a satellite pic of where I grew up. . .courtesy of Bill Gates and the Microsoft gang.

It's the white square box about an inch above the 'e' in Katy Village and a little to the right.

10 August 2006


Twas the night before Friday
And all thru the lab
Not a creature was stirring
Except Jason the lad

The rest of Virginia
Lie snug in their beds
While visions of tacos
Danced in his head...Yep, I'm hungry

I awoke Thursday morning in the usual state of mind which accompanies the return of consciousness. As I looked through the eastern window of my bedroom, a faint streak of orange-pink color, dividing a cloud that just rose above the low swell of the horizon, announced the approach of the sun. As my thoughts, which a deep and apparently lighthearted sleep had dissolved, began again to assume crystalline forms, the strange events of the foregoing night presented themselves anew to my inquiring mind. It came to me in that period of consciousness somewhere between sleeping and waking. (I remind you I'm almost perfectly normal, have never done drugs, and, with perhaps one small and highly debatable exception involving dry reeds, a stolen bicycle, and old pine, a small country Methodist church, and a very very small forest fire, have never smoked. Nor have I ever, again, with the exception of cough syrup and vanilla flavoring, consumed alcohol in any significant quantity, nor have the faintest idea what it tastes like. But we'll return to this subject later.) And I thought about Life.

This is a different sort of blog entry. There is no plot, no underlying thread of unity, just a long rambling semi-coherent stream of consciousness run-on sentence of things that are in my heart I felt strangely compelled to get out.

I want to write seven great American novels. I want to go on a 3 week safari in Africa and videotape lions lounging about the range rover in the hot Kenyan sun, swatting flies aimlessly with their golden tails and learn Swahili. I want to go trekking in the Alps. I want to raise sheep in New Zealand. I think I MAY want to raise chickens. I want to pan for gold in the Yukon. I'll get back to you on that one. Something compels me to move to a place where I see trees every morning, and there's a fence nearby, in the country and a long dusty road. I run on the long dusty road nearly everyday. I can also wash my car once a week here and not worry about snoopy neighbors. I have this image of myself reading bedtime stories to a little girl with long hair and twinkling eyes in a bedroom during winter. The scent of cinnamon is in the air. I am a much older man. I desire to have my own library with lots of hard-back books...thousands upon thousands...with time to read them all by a fireplace, a blanket, and a large, somewhat worn, leather chair. In a different section of the library is a well-lit area with stacks and stacks of hand-written notes and folders....and many pencils....mechanical ones. I need to get my hair cut today. I wish to spend time in the countries bordering the Mediterranean Sea. I LOVE the word 'Mediterranean.' It appeals to a deep part of my being.

The Birds

Some visitors I had today.

07 August 2006

One reason why little boys are dangerous and should be monitored

Under my chin there is a half eraser sized area that will not grow facial hair, hardly recognizable.

If you rub your finger over it, you can feel a smoother area of skin. When I was eight years old, my parents visited some friends. My sister and I were bored, so they sent us outside to play. In the backyard, we discovered a family of rabbits. Naturally, we tried to catch one to play with. Didn’t work. So, refusing to give up on my quest to catch a pet rabbit, I got the bright idea of building a catapult to launch rocks . . . the theory being that the unsuspecting rabbits would be knocked out with a falling missile from the sky. After many trials and tribulations, the weapon of war was built. Smooth stones, silently dubbed with names like ‘Peter’ and ‘Fuzzy’ were loaded. The eight-year-old wonder boy, in direct defiance of his mother’s wishes to leave the furry creatures alone, leaped onto the catapult . . . Miss. More stones . . . Miss again. That’s OK. Edison didn’t invent the electric lightbulb on his first try. He burnt down a railway carriage first. The catapult was tweaked to perfection. Another stone named ‘Cottontail’ loaded. I leaped . . . HIT! It hit! It hit me in the chin and broke blood. My sister ran inside to get my parents, who were, by the way, not amused, and fixed me up. Along with a stern warning to never do something that stupid again. “After all,” she said. “What if that had been your eye?”

And that is why I have under my chin a half eraser sized area that will not grow facial hair.

04 August 2006

Reds Traveler

States and Countries I've been to. . .this site is cooler than the other side of the pillow.

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

3% of the world-I should get out more.

03 August 2006

Hooded Bandits

Doctors scare me.


I’ll tell you.

How would you feel if your one and only mother lay sick and injured with a HOLE in her body that should not be there. A HOLE mind you. A HOLE inflicted by strangers. Men in masks...masks to conceal their identity for their deeds are evil. Men who shun the light and hate the truth.

Hooded Bandits.

Armed with sharp knives. . .and. . .and daggers that pierce, and slice, and slash.


And what do these bloodthirsty savages do to this lonely forlorn creature? They entice her with sly words, lure her with golden tongues. Take her to a dark room. Give her drugs...narcotics...mind-altering hallucinogenic chemicals to numb her mind and induce forgetfulness.

And then...(I can hardly bring myself to say it)...they...these beasts...(sniff, sniff)...← tears of pain.

These cold-hearted SAVAGES slice into the very flesh of her body! They rippppp her skin, flay her with knives, drawing blood, scarring her for life. They have no mercy...they hack, and hew, and rip, and bite, and tear, and remove a hunk...of...her...flesh. Then...(more weeping)...after carving her like a Thanksgiving turkey?...they TOSS the very body part into a trash can to hide the evidence! That’s what they do.

Of course, they merely call it an appendectomy.

Now. My mother. This poor, sweet, innocent, little lady with twinkling eyes, with a gash, a wound. . .a festering wound, a hole in her body...an unnatural orifice that beckons germs, bacteria, fire ants, (who KNOWS what else???)...lay curled up in the fetal position alone.


The great thing about the current temperature of 103 degrees Fahrenheit is that the body's metabolism is running at optimal efficiency.

The heat has got me thinking about dinosaurs. With a year-round average temperature of 90, does it make any difference if they were warm-blooded or cold-blooded?

3 weeks until my sister moves in with me. I foresee this blog becoming more interesting as she is an artist who attracts other artists who will probably come over to visit and ask me. . .the cave dweller and introverted recluse. . .many thought-provoking questions. Or maybe they'll just stare at me.

02 August 2006


"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will eat for a lifetime."

--Anonymous dead Chinese guy

"Give a wiggle a fish and he will eat it for breakfast. Teach a wiggle to fish, and soon he'll be planning his Bar Mitzah."

--Puddle E. Glum


--a nose

01 August 2006

100 Fahrenheit

It is so hot outside now Satan is on strike.