12 April 2014

For Sale

Dear Friends,

 I am selling my neighbor's dog.

 It's big, furry, brown, and has four legs. As for breed type...it's a cross between the Hound of the Baskervilles and Cerberus.

 She...does...not...know...it...is...for ...sale!

Ideally the new owner will live out-of-town in a telephone-pole free area with little chance of seeing one of those pesky 'Lost Dog' signs.

Cash only or trade for a case of Dr. Pepper.

Friday Filosophy: If people define a situation as real, it is real in its consequences.

Unfortunately, reality is sometimes frequently inaccurate.

This is useful to know when dealing with the mentally ill and should also help you cope with facts that aren’t terribly congruent with everybody else’s unique social construction of reality.

Someone once said, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is ...he.”

This is truer than true since, if you think about it, nobody is youer than you. For when you try to be youer than you, merely thinking about being youer than you can only make you…youer than you…in the most profound sense.

This is not always easy.

For example.

Once, I tried very very hard to put the Conceivable Means Achievable theory to practical use. I envisioned myself as a chicken (I’ve always wanted to have wings.) Two weeks later my therapist told my mom to cut this nonsense out. Mom said, “She’d think about it, but we needed the eggs.”

Clarence

Hello All,

 I have a marsupial problem. In my latest construction project...this would be a small castle...a medium-sized opossum has dug himself a rather large hole in the middle of the soon-to-be brick patio. I told Clarence, (Clarence is his name), he has to move, but this morning he crawled back in his burrow. I briefly toyed with the idea of pulling him out by the tale, but the last time I met one of these creatures it hissed at me. Wacking it on the head with a shovel seems a bit extreme.
 
Advice?
 


 

Angst

The semi-parallel stretch marks stopping moments before the perpendicular are a sub-conscious manifestation of the artist's struggle to cope with abstract reality in a concrete fashion. He is clearly feeling angst. This angst is what one would expect when one rejects the objective nature of the universe and tries to superimpose a false grid of subjectivism.

That...or he was drunk.

Photo by Beth Keener somewhere near Winchester, VA.

17 March 2014

Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody!

I have no prescriptive aphorisms to guide your parched and weary souls today. Nothing to surround you with butterflies and sunshine...since you've already heard everything that has been said about everything under the sun about a thousand times in the most artsy and poetical way possible.

So I leave you with this...silence.

Silence?

Yes! Silence is golden. It's also the best response to give those natty Jehovah Witnesses when they come pedaling to your casa and make you say snide things like, "Is your favorite band The Doors?"

16 March 2014

Ha

The most intellectual joke ever:
 

A roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus.
 
The bartender gives him an odd look and asks, “Are you sure you don’t mean a martini?”

The Roman laughs and says, “if I wanted a double, I would have said so!”

Another roman walks into the bar holding two fingers in the air and shouts, “5 beers please!”

Running

Pittsburgh Marathon training. 49 days and counting. Donated half a pint of blood via blisters. Today was not easy.

04 March 2014

Just Think

Imagine, if you will, a world where the monetary system is based on something more precious than gold and rarer than the rarest heavy metal isotope.

A currency based on...fresh vegetables.

Greedy people would be forced to eat zuchini before it rots, healthiness would become fashionable, and whirled peas would finally be realized.

20 January 2014

Sometimes...


I spent the morning trying to convince myself Secular Existentialism is a realistic model for viewing reality. Then I wrote a 225-page novel using random and chance mechanisms based on a reductionist view of mankind. Here’s the 1st chapter…(which I don’t think will be a best-seller.)

Once upon a ghty87nslf0nhndua7cbbsjcbhsjcsubax”bua_nd. Gtncence899eh5%%fhjefnjnnjhuaioioki!hkh~hfjejhfjeheeuhfnk. Then Alton replied, “hgyrrtjhjb 8808_=kdfhhkhhrhh!”

JHjrghj shkghkjghsgh k n-lfnnvbv7653brbv nz jj_=jhgff@ghgjhiijuhde68887hhhkljfjorgnopa9bh@*lkfjen0krhgjhgrdjnvnn98465784n vjn.

Khsfb usjfghsbghsbvsjkn vsh 9875876t587**09n fn0r08rnh9b v944903 n934qb j,sn.kd./fskdf-df-jkdsflkjbslfdkjdkslnn hoiuRR57&(nhhjkb&^g7fghnrnbv~vb11bv@@!gbjhrkjkhtjbdtkjhnbdjhgvnvhgn.jhfdvbyubyuuhgjsdiov9060b,mnbvz.??llhabbbb __9nr9uhbjshgsthrhsrtvstuytbghbvghuhvgv754$4778yvr798n nbzfZZSyfvknkvJ*)Jdsfhifvuiuavhfuihbvy7b65437838191865ugnzbvcgewtr78506[i=0[ik,k{{}HR$$GFjifhiufbnvsisiuv877_+_””>JYGDhnbngjhrtdgnbvsuyutgtnstvyhsnscayt646vhn5745875467vb54787624v8ufvjhdfbvdhasdhjvhdkjfhvksb ujkl;;;a[a’’”’’akqkjhnhbcvsy43$^([,mlmnfvruhrfgklll. jhfdvbyubyuuhgjsdiov9060b,mnbvz.??llhabbbb __9nr9uhbjshgsthrhsrtvstuytbghbvghuhvgv754$4778yvr798n nbzfZZSyfvknkvJ*)Jdsfhifvuiuavhfuihbvy7b65437838191865ugnzbvcgewtr78506[i=0[ik,k{{}HR$$GFjifhiufbnvsisiuv877_+_””>JYGDhnbngjhrtdgnbvsuyutgtnstvyhsnscayt646vhn5745875467vb54787624v8ufvjhdfbvdhasdhjvhdkjfhvksb jhfdvbyubyuuhgjsdiov9060b,mnbvz.??llhabbbb __9nr9uhbjshgsthrhsrtvstuytbghbvghuhvgv754$4778yvr798n nbzfZZSyfvknkvJ*)Jdsfhifvuiuavhfuihbvy7b65437838191865ugnzbvcgewtr78506[i=0[ik,k{{}HR$$GFjifhiufbnvsisiuv877_+_””>JYGDhnbngjhrtdgnbvsuyutgtnstvyhsnscayt646vhn5745875467vb54787624v8ufvjhdfbvdhasdhjvhdkjfhvksbhhg7566453uf9__=<++mfruhgurnrhvnsr. And then he said, “gf65893q98ufhajgbv jhbfhjabvhjdfbvjsdfndsj n nb))-=-ihrjgvrbvhjrbhvbvhbvhrbvbvb?”

Nfurghfieh78546yhb9ytw8954ybnhkgjvn n006()()*^NEbw48394rcnb b382yr78bc276txv6txb23__=*4333hcvbbfjhvbfhjvbhvbdhfbvjdfbjhdfdbhfbjhfbjhhgjsv 548934n 3n9 n3892n  nvhjcbcvbzbvhjzi78vfd78!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

15 January 2014

Pepperhood

One of the saddest sites in the world today is seeing people tricked into believing Dr. Topper is equal to Dr. Pepper.

Not so.

“Doctor” Topper is deluded in thinking his soda is on par with the bona fide Doctor. Calling oneself doctor with the thinking you’ll gain an air of authority with the cola-seeking masses is the height of arrogance. Mister Topper would do well to repent of his false fizziness label, quit misleading people, and put forth an earnest effort to earn his ...doctorate in carbonation if this is his heart’s desire.

Dr. Pepper spent years studying kola extracts, brain tonic theories, and pepsinology…perfecting his craft of mixing those 23 mysterious ingredients in just the right amounts. Topper thinks he can mix carmel E150d, carbonated water, and sugar and pawn it off as a legitimate substitute.

Bad Topper!

Smack! Smack!

Don’t be misled gentle readers. For surely it has been said in the last days men will believe lies and heap onto themselves false beverages which twinkle the eyes with zest and highly-flavored substitutes.

Remember your creed folks:

'I'm a Pepper, he's a Pepper,
She's a Pepper, we're a Pepper,
Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?
Be a Pepper. Drink Dr Pepper.'

Don’t even get me started on “Dr.” Thunder...

Here are a few false peppers to add to your blacklist.
 

14 January 2014

I 'heart' weird people


It never pays to debate a cryptozoologist, even if the expert has a ‘doctor’s degree’ from a cutting-edge cryptozoological research center…one accredited by the Society of Supranormal Research…and located somewhere deep in the heart of the mysterious Bayou.

I enjoy reading about Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster sightings. I also enjoy reading about the adventures of Frodo Baggins. But, after a hundred years of alleged sightings, mysterious footprints, and unexplained ripples, one should expect to see some actual footage of the beasts. Yes-some actual documentation would be good.

Note: documentation is not a letter from one Mary Beth Clara Lee Sara Bell who writes,

“I jest know’d it was the monster. I seeeeeeen it wit my own eyes and Glory be, I’ll never be a doubter agin!”

This is not evidence. To do so is insulting to bona fide researchers and English teachers everywhere. What this IS evidence of is a poorly misguided soul who needs to get out of the trailer park more often.

Extinct Icthyosaurs and hirsute humanoids make great stories and entertain the masses until tears flow and emotions run high. But sometimes wanting to believe in cryptozoans, and sometimes even seeing cryptozoans through your mind’s eye during an altered state of consciousness, does not mean your belief is congruent with Reality.

Reality is consistent, it doesn’t change. When one’s belief system fails to reflect Reality, it doesn’t mean the facts are wrong. It means the belief system is flawed and should be examined closely to discover why nothing ever happens the way one think it should happen.
Here are some cryptozoologists performing research.
 

06 January 2014

When a person has completed 40 revolutions around the sun, and is a member of the planet called Earth, the phenomenon known as ‘dating’ (sometimes called wooing or courting) then refers to the process of comparing the ratio of radioactive c...arbon isotopes to the regular carbon isotopes in the chance that one can find out the birthday of whatever it is you’re interested in celebrating the birthday of.

Yes, English majors, that last sentence ended in a preposition.

Wooing, after the 22,459th turn of Earth, is the sound one makes when climbing a large hill. As in,

“Cough, cough, cough, woo!”

In some cultures this is a mantra old maids and monks chant as a coming-of-age ritual.

Courting is half-court basketball with a lowered rim and dubious dribbling skills. You’ll often see guys wooing invisible women during pick-up games. These invisible gals are called ‘woo-men’ and can never EVER be captured, sort of like the mythical Atalanta who ran away from all her suitors until that one fellow cheated by rolling shiny golden apples past her hoping to win her heart. Apparently this worked and they lived happily ever after until somebody decided they were mythical creatures and wrote them out of the history and phone books.

I tried, seriously, to do the wooing thing by tossing hand-painted M and Ms on the trail this morning. But they froze in mid-air and had the effect of small, extremely cold, rocks and frightened poor Miss Muffet (or whatever her name is) away.

Here are two creatures practicing amphibial mantras.
 
 

20 November 2013

Thank Goodness it’s Friday…payday for some people.

If you’re a Christian businessman who pays your employees today, let me encourage you to PAY YOUR EMPLOYEES.

This will make Jesus hA-ppy.

Some of you may have big week-end plans which involve repeating the word shunda-hai over and over again like some kind of Buddhist mantra, which is fine, but make certain you hand out the paychecks.

I...t would strange for somebody who is blessed and highly flavored and experiencing the most bountiful and abundant blessings of the Creator of the Universe to do otherwise. Don't cha think?

Don’t make me start quoting scripture verses again.

Have a nice day everyone!
I do not believe in reincarnation, but if I DID believe in reincarnation, I STILL would not believe in reincarnation.
"When you're right you're right, and when you're wrong you're wrong. But when you are right you are never ever wrong."

--anonymous modern day Pharisee and lover of Eisegesis.

Plato, who said, “the unexamined life is not worth living”, apparently never read Solomon et al who wrote, “everything is meaningless” . . . after examining HIS life.

It isn’t known when Solomon wrote this before or after getting married. But you’d think after the 700th marriage he’d have added an appendix to his ‘Meaningless Philosophy.’ And as far as history is known, no appendix or amendment has been discovered.

So.

Examine your life, but not TOO closely. And in the meantime…get a hobby.

15 October 2013

Grammar Lesson

OK folks. Pay attention. A hypocrite is a person who engages in the same behaviors he condemns others for. Hippocrites was the father of modern medicine and died a long time ago. A hippo crypt is a really big hole for dead hippos. Hippos are not hypocrites, nor was Hippocrites a hypocrite. Hippocrites was a Greek. Some hippos are Greek, but most are Tanzanian. Some Tanzanians are hypocrites and very few are physicians...although some may be called Hippocrites. There are no hippo crypts in Greece...these are mostly found in Tanzania along with the non-Greek hippos. If there is a Tanzanian hippo called Hippocrites who teaches young hippos the finer points of molar care, this is sheer coincidence.

12 October 2013

The Electric Monk

Does anybody know where I can buy an Electric Monk? It's a small machine that fits in your ear that believes weird things that people think are scriptural and biblical, yet are not necessarily so. The Electric Monk actual believes the weird pseudo-biblical things FOR you so you don't have to...and as a result you can get on with your normal life. Thanks!

Vert

Instead of reading the book of Lamentations last night, I picked up the old palette and a rusty spray can and forced my creative mind into new channels and created a work called 'Vert.'

Vert is a compressed composition of ethereal shadows of... abstract entities that encapsulate barren sterility. It creates an uncomfortable tension by decidedly dislocating all forms, thus creating a sense of metaphysical dissonance. It is a mute performance. Overall the work becomes a sort of dream organized along the lines of an unfathomable higher dimension of reality in the time and space continuum. Vert contains the principle of all things. It portrays energy as a paradox so what remains is a landscape of ruins, does not carry energy, and it is the scene after the primordial expansion of the cosmos. A compressed agitated landscape congruent with nature, the environmental movement, Ireland, Islam, spring, hope, envy, and (roughly) Libya.

I hope you enjoy it.
 

08 October 2013

Crazy


People are crazy. I like people…I really do…but they’re still crazy. Some people live like Beelzebub is their spouse yet every other Facebook post is a bible verse. Crazy people will tell you they read the bible everyday yet haven’t read it in 15 years. What is really crazy is when you call them on it. Crazy people, see, couldn’t find the book of Zedekiah if they had to. Now that’s crazy.

Women are crazy. To be fair, men are also crazy but in a different sort of way. Men’s craziness is predictable and can be plotted on a graph. Women’s craziness is like abstract art, you see it in action but can’t explain it unless you have a Ph.D in English from Oxford…even then you still need a working knowledge of tensor calculus. Craziness in general has a long history that began on a fruit farm. I won’t go into the details but fruitiness and craziness ever since that sad day in the garden have had an uneasy alliance that continues to this day. The cure for craziness is marriage. The hope being the female craziness and the male craziness cancel one another out so something like normalcy sets in. And for those who never marry? Well…there’s always the convent, or the monastery, or the U.S. Congress where one can go and live happily forever after.  

A crazy experiment: If you want to be really spiritual try this experiment. Make a list of the top ten people you dislike. Some of you may say, “But I love EVERYBODY Jason.” True. But loving someone does not mean you want them coming to your yard sale. You may want them to live a long life and go to heaven and be with God and Jesus…and at the same time secretly hope they live in a corrugated apartment in Laos until they pass away. These ten should be people you personally know. Don’t put Kim Jong-un or Hillary Clinton on your list. Use the guy who ran over your cat or the girl you gave a $500 necklace to and now won’t return your phone calls ß-(note: this is a scenario…not an actual event. I have yet to give a girl a $500 necklace…someday…) Then, pray for each and every one on the list without cringing or using expletives. I don’t think God is happy when we curse during prayer. Anyways, after a time, perhaps a long time, you will start to feel something like compassion for these people. This is good practice.