11 September 2014

Earlier Today

I may not know the answer to the meaning of life but I am fairly certain it has nothing to do with running on the Morgantown rail-trail system on a hot September night whilst enduring gnats and burka-wearing women giving you the evil eye because you're running on HER side of the dirt. It MAY involve the Gravitational Time Dilation Effect coupled with an eternity's worth of baked pasticcio and a significant lack of selfish burka-wearing trail hogs, but scripture is notoriously silent on these details
You gotta love religious diploma mill 'doctors' because apparently studying to show yourself approved isn't necessary for fleecing sheep.

Be wise people.

Today's Conspiracy Theory

You don't...suppose...that when Dr. Joel Fleischman left Cicely, Alaska to go into the great unknown, he was REALLY doing something totally unrelated to modern medicine and practicing something more along the lines of a...holistic brand of 'medicine' do you???

Some things are not right in the world.

Like when you discover your ‘doctor’ got his ‘doctorate’ by listening to Dr. Suess’ hit twenty-five CD collection (three monthly payments of $39.99) and wrote his six-page dissertation on ‘How to Harness Your Inner Horton to Maximize Hearing Hoos.’

I must admit. He dresses nice…real nice. And that is important because sometimes we need beauty in a fallen world.


If you're being persecuted for the Gospel of Jesus Christ that is a good thing and you will have treasures in heaven. If you're being persecuted for the Gospel of Mammon that is a bad thing...especially if you insist on wearing stripes with plaid.

05 August 2014

Book Recommendation

This is an excellent book that should be on everybody's bookshelf.

One reviewer on Amazon.com wrote,

"The back of the book contains Scripture references in three categories which relate to the topic: abundance, giving, and faith. A quote I found particularly helpful was from a pastor not identified who said, "many people miss the supernatural because they are looking for the spectacular." This book is practical. It isn't flashy. It's designed for doers. It shows how to put God's principle to work."

Following the principles in this book (they're nothing new really) will help you avoid a life of misery. Being poor may sound romantic, but believe me, it's not.

This is not some half-baked 30-page booklet from a 'doctor in theology' from Yippee Wahoo Praise God and Jesus (unaccredited) U. These guys know what they're talking about. If you're looking for inspirational quotes from some goofy prosperity preacher who tells gold, diamonds, jewels, and money to come to him in 16th-century English...keep looking.

22 June 2014


Sometimes people wonder why Jesus never talked about hockey. I think the main reason was soccer and baseball were always more popular in Mexico.


01 June 2014


Keeping up appearances is wise.
Keeping up with the Jones is unwise.

Kool-Aid makes for a good drink.
Kool-Aid as part of a religious ceremony can make for a bad drink.

Tropical paradises calm the soul,
but sometimes Life in Guyana has its drawbacks.
Even when congressmen come to the party.

Sincerity and Zeal are good when married to good intentions.
But good intentions wedded to heresy lead to slavery.

Sometimes slaves wear Gucci.
But I don't think losing your freedom keeping up with the Jones in paradise leads to a meaningful life.

Or a long one.

12 April 2014

For Sale

Dear Friends,

 I am selling my neighbor's dog.

 It's big, furry, brown, and has four legs. As for breed type...it's a cross between the Hound of the Baskervilles and Cerberus.

 She...does...not...know...it...is...for ...sale!

Ideally the new owner will live out-of-town in a telephone-pole free area with little chance of seeing one of those pesky 'Lost Dog' signs.

Cash only or trade for a case of Dr. Pepper.

Friday Filosophy: If people define a situation as real, it is real in its consequences.

Unfortunately, reality is sometimes frequently inaccurate.

This is useful to know when dealing with the mentally ill and should also help you cope with facts that aren’t terribly congruent with everybody else’s unique social construction of reality.

Someone once said, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is ...he.”

This is truer than true since, if you think about it, nobody is youer than you. For when you try to be youer than you, merely thinking about being youer than you can only make you…youer than you…in the most profound sense.

This is not always easy.

For example.

Once, I tried very very hard to put the Conceivable Means Achievable theory to practical use. I envisioned myself as a chicken (I’ve always wanted to have wings.) Two weeks later my therapist told my mom to cut this nonsense out. Mom said, “She’d think about it, but we needed the eggs.”


Hello All,

 I have a marsupial problem. In my latest construction project...this would be a small castle...a medium-sized opossum has dug himself a rather large hole in the middle of the soon-to-be brick patio. I told Clarence, (Clarence is his name), he has to move, but this morning he crawled back in his burrow. I briefly toyed with the idea of pulling him out by the tale, but the last time I met one of these creatures it hissed at me. Wacking it on the head with a shovel seems a bit extreme.



The semi-parallel stretch marks stopping moments before the perpendicular are a sub-conscious manifestation of the artist's struggle to cope with abstract reality in a concrete fashion. He is clearly feeling angst. This angst is what one would expect when one rejects the objective nature of the universe and tries to superimpose a false grid of subjectivism.

That...or he was drunk.

Photo by Beth Keener somewhere near Winchester, VA.

17 March 2014

Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody!

I have no prescriptive aphorisms to guide your parched and weary souls today. Nothing to surround you with butterflies and sunshine...since you've already heard everything that has been said about everything under the sun about a thousand times in the most artsy and poetical way possible.

So I leave you with this...silence.


Yes! Silence is golden. It's also the best response to give those natty Jehovah Witnesses when they come pedaling to your casa and make you say snide things like, "Is your favorite band The Doors?"

16 March 2014


The most intellectual joke ever:

A roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus.
The bartender gives him an odd look and asks, “Are you sure you don’t mean a martini?”

The Roman laughs and says, “if I wanted a double, I would have said so!”

Another roman walks into the bar holding two fingers in the air and shouts, “5 beers please!”


Pittsburgh Marathon training. 49 days and counting. Donated half a pint of blood via blisters. Today was not easy.

04 March 2014

Just Think

Imagine, if you will, a world where the monetary system is based on something more precious than gold and rarer than the rarest heavy metal isotope.

A currency based on...fresh vegetables.

Greedy people would be forced to eat zuchini before it rots, healthiness would become fashionable, and whirled peas would finally be realized.

20 January 2014


I spent the morning trying to convince myself Secular Existentialism is a realistic model for viewing reality. Then I wrote a 225-page novel using random and chance mechanisms based on a reductionist view of mankind. Here’s the 1st chapter…(which I don’t think will be a best-seller.)

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Nfurghfieh78546yhb9ytw8954ybnhkgjvn n006()()*^NEbw48394rcnb b382yr78bc276txv6txb23__=*4333hcvbbfjhvbfhjvbhvbdhfbvjdfbjhdfdbhfbjhfbjhhgjsv 548934n 3n9 n3892n  nvhjcbcvbzbvhjzi78vfd78!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

15 January 2014


One of the saddest sites in the world today is seeing people tricked into believing Dr. Topper is equal to Dr. Pepper.

Not so.

“Doctor” Topper is deluded in thinking his soda is on par with the bona fide Doctor. Calling oneself doctor with the thinking you’ll gain an air of authority with the cola-seeking masses is the height of arrogance. Mister Topper would do well to repent of his false fizziness label, quit misleading people, and put forth an earnest effort to earn his ...doctorate in carbonation if this is his heart’s desire.

Dr. Pepper spent years studying kola extracts, brain tonic theories, and pepsinology…perfecting his craft of mixing those 23 mysterious ingredients in just the right amounts. Topper thinks he can mix carmel E150d, carbonated water, and sugar and pawn it off as a legitimate substitute.

Bad Topper!

Smack! Smack!

Don’t be misled gentle readers. For surely it has been said in the last days men will believe lies and heap onto themselves false beverages which twinkle the eyes with zest and highly-flavored substitutes.

Remember your creed folks:

'I'm a Pepper, he's a Pepper,
She's a Pepper, we're a Pepper,
Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?
Be a Pepper. Drink Dr Pepper.'

Don’t even get me started on “Dr.” Thunder...

Here are a few false peppers to add to your blacklist.

14 January 2014

I 'heart' weird people

It never pays to debate a cryptozoologist, even if the expert has a ‘doctor’s degree’ from a cutting-edge cryptozoological research center…one accredited by the Society of Supranormal Research…and located somewhere deep in the heart of the mysterious Bayou.

I enjoy reading about Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster sightings. I also enjoy reading about the adventures of Frodo Baggins. But, after a hundred years of alleged sightings, mysterious footprints, and unexplained ripples, one should expect to see some actual footage of the beasts. Yes-some actual documentation would be good.

Note: documentation is not a letter from one Mary Beth Clara Lee Sara Bell who writes,

“I jest know’d it was the monster. I seeeeeeen it wit my own eyes and Glory be, I’ll never be a doubter agin!”

This is not evidence. To do so is insulting to bona fide researchers and English teachers everywhere. What this IS evidence of is a poorly misguided soul who needs to get out of the trailer park more often.

Extinct Icthyosaurs and hirsute humanoids make great stories and entertain the masses until tears flow and emotions run high. But sometimes wanting to believe in cryptozoans, and sometimes even seeing cryptozoans through your mind’s eye during an altered state of consciousness, does not mean your belief is congruent with Reality.

Reality is consistent, it doesn’t change. When one’s belief system fails to reflect Reality, it doesn’t mean the facts are wrong. It means the belief system is flawed and should be examined closely to discover why nothing ever happens the way one think it should happen.
Here are some cryptozoologists performing research.

06 January 2014

When a person has completed 40 revolutions around the sun, and is a member of the planet called Earth, the phenomenon known as ‘dating’ (sometimes called wooing or courting) then refers to the process of comparing the ratio of radioactive c...arbon isotopes to the regular carbon isotopes in the chance that one can find out the birthday of whatever it is you’re interested in celebrating the birthday of.

Yes, English majors, that last sentence ended in a preposition.

Wooing, after the 22,459th turn of Earth, is the sound one makes when climbing a large hill. As in,

“Cough, cough, cough, woo!”

In some cultures this is a mantra old maids and monks chant as a coming-of-age ritual.

Courting is half-court basketball with a lowered rim and dubious dribbling skills. You’ll often see guys wooing invisible women during pick-up games. These invisible gals are called ‘woo-men’ and can never EVER be captured, sort of like the mythical Atalanta who ran away from all her suitors until that one fellow cheated by rolling shiny golden apples past her hoping to win her heart. Apparently this worked and they lived happily ever after until somebody decided they were mythical creatures and wrote them out of the history and phone books.

I tried, seriously, to do the wooing thing by tossing hand-painted M and Ms on the trail this morning. But they froze in mid-air and had the effect of small, extremely cold, rocks and frightened poor Miss Muffet (or whatever her name is) away.

Here are two creatures practicing amphibial mantras.