27 April 2009

The Definition of Lame

One day a guy is going for a run along the beach and finds a $1 bill. He runs a little further and finds a $10 bill. He runs further and finds a $100 bill. He runs further and faster now seeing something in the distance and he finds a bag of silver. He continues on until he finds a bag of gold. Now the hot sand is burning his feet and blisters have caused his feet to bleed, but he runs further and comes across a bag of diamonds. He keeps going, then comes to a stop as the soles of his feet wear out, bleeding to the tendons and bones.

A guy walks by him and says, "ahhh. . .what shall it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soles."



24 April 2009

Before and After

Before Simon

After Simon
OK. She looks a little better. Sort of in an environmental lawyer or mean middle-school English teacher sort of way. But we'll all miss seeing the down home, earthy, wild and woolly mammoth look that scares the sabres and little children away.

Slow News Month

My cupboard.
Yes, it has a can of sliced octopus tentacles. People say I need to eat more fish, hence the tuna and mackeral.
The pizza sauce is for emergencies.
I have never eaten octopus tentacles before but people say they're like fish-flavored gum. We'll see. I'll try one and report. If nothing significant happens like them tasting like chicken, I will take them to work and feed them to an un-named co-worker I'll call Mikey.
Mikey eats anything. When Mikey is hungry he still eats anything. Yesterday Mikey told me he was pregnant. Mikey is a male and confused about life at times. His roomies are trying to get him fat by feeding him donuts, chocolate, and avocados. Mikey thinks avocados are healthy and nutritious. Mikey doesn't know avocados are loaded with calories. Yesterday, Mikey weighed 198.5 lbs. His roomies told me their goal was 250 lbs.
Stay tuned for more Mikey updates.

21 April 2009

I Do

I, Jason, solemnly swear to never eat okra, corn, diced tomatoes, saffron rice, and cheap imported hot sauce ever again in my lifetime. So help me Pepto.

This is one reason why it is not good for man to be alone in the kitchen. Men by nature are curious and enjoy mixing things together that shouldn't be mixed together. Even if the things eventually get mixed in the stomach. Adam, see, originally had a gizzard (in addition to a stomach) so this wasn't much of a problem. The problem began when he got off work early from his taxonomy job and took a nap. God, being curious himself, took out the gizzard and made a fe-male, which is kind of like a regular male but they don't have gizzards. Actually, after this period of time neither had gizzards and so equality was achieved, but that's beside the point. The point is, the fe-male being a bit more refined, knew that eating cacti, or whatever okra is, isn't best for human consumption and apples, oranges, and those fancy salads women always persuade you to get at the Olive Garden are where its at. Unfortunately, one day she ate the wrong apple and. . .this is all theory. . .started the downfall of the human race.

Going John Galt

The Doers are going on strike. Obama's plan to increase taxes on the >$250,000/year crowd for mysterious and mystical reasons is backfiring. Apparently, the Doers are growing sick and tired of the Moochers and Looters mooching and looting the Doers and begging for handouts. You think the Great One knew this basic fact of human nature? Perhaps he skipped class that day in Socialism 101.

Dentist, physicians, engineers and many others who contribute useful stuff to this country are cutting back on hours due to the fact they don't want Uncle Sam to get all the money they make. Just like in the book Atlas Shrugged. . .all 1,200 pages of it.

The Moos and the Loos, using their trailer park wisdom, really truly need to stop their nonsense and get with the program. It gets very irritating, (I see this happening more so today than a decade ago), trying to carry on a conversation with somebody who thinks Manitoba is an imaginary land like Atlantis. (Yes, this actually happened this past week.)

18 April 2009

The Random Sentence Generator

Thanks to the Kludge, I've been perusing random sentences in a personal quest for meaning. This site, here, lets you make up interesting and sometimes thought-provoking phrases that read like the Tibetan Book of Zen Ecclesiastes.

Some favorites:

Does the semantic employer combat the irritating rod?

I don't know, but I dreaded corporal punishment with those switches grandma beat me with. . .she taught English, btw.

Does a hero riot inside its permitted decay?

I think it has something to do with Superman talking to himself on the way to get a cavity filled.

A liquid insult runs before the highest principal.

Don't drink-especially before going to the principal's office.

The chap enlightens a freeing substitute without a body.

Aspartame is bad. Ghosts eating aspartame is even badder.

The suffering nature encloses a crazy choice.

The more bad choices in Life, the crazier your retirement years will be???

The ready idiot handicaps a zero universe.

Hmm. . .if the sum total of all the potential and kinetic energy in the universe is convertible to mass and everything tends to entropy and chaos, and Murphy's Law be true, then. . .aw heck. . .this requires too much higher math and hallucinogenic substances for me to understand.

15 April 2009

Tea and Pirates

Has anybody else noticed there seems to be a lot of tea parties and pirates lately?

You would think piracy ended about. . .oh, say 150 years ago. . .along with horse-drawn carriages and unicorns. Alas, tis not to be. In a way, I'm not surprised. With all the scruffiness in style now and all the new water sports in the Olympics, I figured it was only a matter of time before the Capt. Bluebeard wanna-be's started patrolling the high seas looking for gold, jewels, and discounted tuna.

According to an entry in Wikipedia about Somalian piracy:

The attackers generally treat their hostages well in anticipation of a big payday to the point of hiring caterers on the shores of Somalia to cook spaghetti, grilled fish and roasted meat that will appeal to a Western palate.

OK. So being a hostage has its perks. Being held captive on a pirate ship must be like going to the federal prisons aristocrats and congressmen go to. Free food, free room and board, good fly-fishing, and all the shuffleboard you can handle.

14 April 2009

Tax Day Eve

Today on the Virginia Beach Craigslist:

Have (1) cow skull $25. Sun bleached white- some upper teeth. No horns and no lower jaw.

There are some very disturbed people living near me.

13 April 2009

The Takeover

A society has freedom and order only if it is built on a moral base- a morality based on God's intrinsic nature. The only countries to have freedom and order have been those based on God’s moral principles. Since people need order more than they need freedom, and since order tends to chaos, any society will naturally fall if left long enough. When people perceive an increase in chaos they yearn for more order. This order can only come from one of two sources-the government or the Church. With increasing chaos, people look to government to control the disorder-more police, more programs, higher taxes to pay for the programs, more judges, more lawyers-things that don’t really contribute as much to society as the Arts and Sciences. When people want more order, they will gladly give up some freedom to get it. This is one reason why the Democrats are in the majority now.

Some signs of a falling nation:

Decadence-A lower standard in TV, movies, music.

Rising mediocrity.

An obsession with sex, food, and glitzy glamorous thing, i.e. bling.

A lower quality in the standard of life.

Many people acting and talking alike-(if everybody’s thinking alike, nobody’s really thinking.) One can call it the Monkey Syndrome.

An increase in laws. Some things are intuitively obvious, yet in an increasingly perverted society, people purposely ignore the intuitively obvious (natural laws) and as a result exhibit mental problems galore. One can repress the fact there’s a rhinoceros in the room, but given enough time you can be sure that same one will develop strange habits and squirrel-like tendencies.

The time for an authoritarian government is practically upon us. For years we’ve been conditioned to act, talk, speak, and think alike and have had a type of morality called Humanism preached to us for decades. Sometimes this has been called Moral Relativity, a set of ‘morals’ as defined by the majority and not based on the unchanging morals of God’s nature. Over time, we’ve turned from humans to machines and anybody with some sense knows machines are more easily controlled and manipulated than free-will agents.

The time is nearly ripe for the Takeover.

First, there’s the control of the Media. Second, there must be an economic meltdown. Third, there must come a difficulty in obtaining basic goods and services- food.

The difficulty in getting food, (and there really needn’t be an actual food shortage, simply a belief in a food shortage), will be the point for an authoritarian regime to take control.

It’s really the only time.

07 April 2009

Newport News News

Some pictures from work.
The top picture is something we discovered in one of the old log books. We think it may be valuable.

New Vieux

OK. So I haven't been writing much lately. Actually I have, but not here. Most of it has been in a little black book from the skin of a dead reptile. (I'm pretty sure the reptile was a fake.) I promise to write more soon. Very soon.

(5 minutes later)

Back. What has Puddleglum been up to? Working, working, working, and working. Sometimes I've managed to sleep and dream about drowning or driving an SUV along a river during flooding and being overcome by water when the road washes out. Am I scared in the dreams? No, I find it mildly amusing and quite interesting. Am I fearful about the economy? Nope. Another thing that is mildy amusing. I expected the economy to go bad. Too many moochers mooching inevitably leads to chaos. Next, there will come the food shortage crisis. After that will come more government interference. And after that, will come something like marshall law and a new system of government. Just like ancient Rome, it's nothing new.

If you're still interested, I pulled exactly two white hairs from the right side of my head this morning and didn't feel the least fearful in doing so. Hmm. . .what else. I spent some time filming the little grey squirrels in my backyard. There are 5 total and very young. I think their parents got ran over or eaten by the neighbor's cat because these little furry creatures don't act like normal squirrels. The spent a great deal of time chasing one another around the big oak and wrestling. Then they crawl up the tree and sleep, letting their paws droop so that they look all the world like they're dead.