29 September 2012

Good Karma

I tend to take a holistic view of Reality. I believe in the fundamental interconnectedness of all things. For every action, there’s a reaction. For every donut, there is a hole. For every AIG, there is an APPL. For every beautiful red-headed ‘Emily’ in Kansas City on eHarmony, there is a disgruntled anonymous biologist gnashing his teeth and cursing fate somewhere on the East Coast wondering WHY does she not return her e-mails. There is a time and season for all things. A time to plant and a time to reap. A time for war and a time for peace. A time to laugh and a time to cry. A time to buy and a time to hock it on Craigslist. A time to read and a time to re-read lest one missed the point the first time. The Universe, see, is one vast gigantic whole. It is made of threads…strings…so forget that nonsense you’ve heard about atoms. Everything is connected to everything else.
Somehow. Someway.
Our physicists tell us all atoms (strings) know the location of all other atoms in the Universe. You’d think this undermines Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, but it doesn’t. Good things occur because this is inherent in the structure of Reality. They MUST occur. Bad things happen because the threads get tangled.
Bob Dylan alluded to this once and should have won the Nobel for physics, but alas! Sweden was undergoing social tangledness and missed it.
The secret to the good life is to KEEP MOVING FORWARD. This stretches the threads out and keeps them from bad tangled situations. This is why Sedentarism and mediocrity is bad. The good things in  life right are due to (can ONLY be due to) galloping through Life at warp speed…stretching out the space/time continuum…exercising it.
Always remember this.    

27 September 2012

College Entrance Exam

I discovered this college entrance exam question by one Hugh Gallagher on the LetsRun.com message board and felt to re-post it here.

Hugh Gallagher's 'College Essay'


 I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

 I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

 Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

 I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

 I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

 I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

 But I have not yet gone to college.

24 September 2012


I would like to take this time to encourage everyone to quit using your pet dogs and cats as shark bait while vacationing at the beach.

This is what squid is for.

Thank you.

20 September 2012

The Origami Yoda Project

Thursday night. Bored. What to do?

Why make an origami Yoda of course...

After an hour and a half, using green wrapping paper...

I created this little fellow.

May the folds be with you...

17 September 2012

Race Update

Saturday I decided to try my hand at a local 5k run that was dedicated to the preservation of some scholarship for some poor and needy, young, up-and-coming fellow or female fella...are fellas female fellows?...they should be...that hopefully will someday be one of the 1%.

I tried a different tactic. I started in the middle of the pack of 200+ runners.


I spent the first half mile zig-zagging around fat guys wearing spandex, old ladies wearing spandex, some little boy (I think I stepped on him), and one stray dog.

I finally got into a rhythm...two steps-breath in...two steps-breath out...cough. And finished somewhere around 20th place out of 200 or so.

Some observations:

-old men who wear spandex so tight you can tell what religion they are is wrong.
-the amount of phlegm produced during the running of 3.1 miles is roughly equivalent to the amount of coffee drunk pre-race.
-concrete is good for driving on...running on it is not.

Did I mention the theme song to the Partridge Family was running through my head during the entire 20 minutes?

Hours later, I don't know why, I ran another six miles to shake the legs out. Sunday I took off. Today I ran 13 on the trails.

Yes, I'm addicted.

16 September 2012

Dear old man who was riding a mt. bike yesterday on the trails while wearing a hoodie and a bicycle helmet with a Duralite strapped on top on a sunny 75 degree day,




11 September 2012

"This little piggy went to market,
this little piggy stayed home,
and this little piggy was used as a test animal in a baseline forensic entomology experiment...we won't say what happened to that little piggy."

(Classic example of someone who should not contribute their DNA to the gene pool)

06 September 2012

Write right

I just moved to West Virginia last week and felt the need to say this.
Not all addictions are wicked and evil. Some, as a matter of fact, are quite good...like phonics.

05 September 2012

Think Right


Listen up smart people. I've a secret for ya' all.

No matter how logical your argument is...how persuasive it seems. The conclusions of your argument are totally meaningless if your fundamental assumptions about the basic nature of reality are wacked out.

This is why I don't believe the sky is green.

There's a hidden meaning here, hopefully you can grok it.