29 December 2010

Spelunkering through Life

It is hard to fall in love when you live in a cave. You get used to the silence and safety of the rocky walls and develop a false sense of security. The path of life requires at least some intimacy, which if absent, makes the hard parts of the journey almost unbearably painful. It is during these difficult stages the emotions go numb and we become less human to others. Traveling with another helps when the spirit is weak as the two can help each other. When one travels alone, sometimes the flame of the spirit flickers due to the wind and the weather. With two, one can shield the other and keep both flames lit.

14 December 2010

‎"Today you are you, that is truer than true.
There is noone alive who is youer than you."

--the doctor called Suess

19 November 2010

♪ ♪ ♫ ♪ Whatever it is I think I see...needs to be washed 27 times by me...♪ ♫ ♫

--anonymous OCD quote

11 November 2010


"Every man becomes the image of the God he adores. He whose worship is directed to a dead thing becomes a dead thing.

He who loves corruption rots.

He who loves a shadow becomes, himself, a shadow.

he who loves things that must perish lives in dread of their perishing."

--Thomas Merton in 'No Man is an Island'

It's the Truth

"Man's intelligence, however we may misuse it, is far too keen and too sure to rest for long in error. It may embrace a lie and cling to it stubbornly, believing it to be true: but it cannot find true rest in falsehood. The mind that is in error wears itself out with anxiety, lest its error be discovered for what it is. But the man who loves truth can already find rest in the acknowledgement of his mistakes, for that is the beginning of truth."

--Thomas Merton in 'No Man is an Island'

26 October 2010

Male Bonding

(Can't you just feel the luv')...sniff...sniff...

25 October 2010

Sticky Stuff

Of all the substances discovered by man to be eaten and spat out, I must say my favorite is chicle with Polyisobutylene a close second.

24 October 2010


Disregarding what is intuitively obvious means the mind must continually repress the natural order of Life. Over time, this repressing causes the mind to think (against one's better judgement) thoughts that are inconsistent with Reality. So that the end result can be only madness.

When a large enough population in a society represses the intuitively obvious, the logical thing that must happen is a shift in mores and a decline in creativity. The society becomes volatile to the extent that chaos becomes the norm and mediocrity a virtue.

Given a large enough number of people, one can predict what will happen in a manner somewhat analogous to the chemical and physical laws that govern gas particles in a system. And a wise and competent leader will foresee all this and make plans accordingly.

It's true that all people have Free-Will, can make cause-and-effect decisions, as do separate atoms in a closed system. Yet as any chemist or physicist will tell you, atoms by themselves don't do much to their society alone. It takes billions of them to make an impact.

12 October 2010

Bolivian Gas

I was not planning to blog tonight, but after drinking the equivalent of 4 cups of coffee with the consistency of Bolivian diesel fuel...and I'm not certain it was not Bolivian diesel fuel (who can tell with all the sugarcane)...I changed my mind.

Coffee is not something I drink much of nowadays. I found myself addicted to it and switched to tea. And anyone who appreciates tea knows the impossibility of getting addicted to tea. Even good tea.

In retrospect, it wasn't so much the taste of coffee I craved-it was the kick. One day after a few too many cups, I went a little crazy and searched E-Bay with the honest-to-goodness intention of importing a colony of jackalopes from Borneo. I thought their presence would make a more than interesting addition to the chemistry lab I work at. Then Reason, that lovely goddess who should really rear her head more often than she does in chemistry labs in this great country of ours, actually did rear her head and tell me to stop the online shopping thing and get back to work.

OK Jason. You've written enough for one night. Let's hope nobody with a good psychologist and telephone number offers you 'Life' advice.

29 September 2010


Anxiety is a characteristic of spiritual immaturity.

15 September 2010

Randomness in September

Most decisions made by men nowadays are based strictly upon emotional states. Logic and foresight are secondary factors in their day-to-day plans. If you don't believe me go to Kentucky or Southern West Virginia and see for yourself the results of decades upon decades of emotion based choices.

A dream I had: As I went walking through the woods I heard a voice calling, "Whoo?...Whooo?"

I thought it must be the Voice of Wisdom calling me in the form of an angel. Then I saw the feathers, beak, and small rodent in the beak flying overhead and at once my heart lightened with good cheer. I composed a proverb on the spot, "Woe to those who call black white, white black, and gray grey. For they are colorblind and destined to become British. Radical alterations of Reality without foresight lead to simpletonism and the end thereof is a Life of Misery in a cold wretched trailer in Southern Appalachia where there will be weeping and gnashing of gums. Confusion shall be in your right hand and ignorance of proper hygiene in your left. Ye shall be friend to the dogs and have far too many non-regulated chemicals in your bloodstream."

Sometime later I woke from the trance and swore off canned mushrooms from Big Lots with expiration dates from 1984.

27 August 2010

Shafted by the elevator

Dropping one's hotel key down the space between the elevator and the hallway...into the nether regions of the building...to be lost forever...except possibly by a guy who vaguely resembles Cornelius from Planet of the Apes..and appears on World's Dirtiest Jobs w/Mike Rowe...is NOT the best way to start the day.

Wrong Rene

Descartes was confused. I AM made me, therefore I think.

29 July 2010

Superglue is a Man's Best Fiend

"It is neva a good date when U aksidently superglue your thumb 2 your pinky finger...makes typin' hardt.....

18 July 2010

11 July 2010

"If the feet and hands had a will of their own, they could only be in their order in submitting this particular will to the primary will which governs the whole body. Apart from that, they are in disorder and mischief; but in willing only the good of the body, they accomplish their own good." --Blaise Pascal

09 July 2010

Help Wanted

I discovered the following ad this morning on Craigslist and felt compelled to reply.

Reanimator (New Orleans)

Date: 2010-06-24, 1:58PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


I am seeking a scientist interested in "re-animation technology". I want to create zombies in order to kill them. Or to keep them as pets. Not sure which yet. To do so, you must be familiar with the CNS and how death affects its functioning. I have some basic ideas on how to create a zombie but fresh ideas are always welcome.

Location: New Orleans
Compensation: Depends on zombie creating ability
Telecommuting is ok.
This is a part-time job

My Response:

Good Morning,

I saw your recent ad in Craigslist and think I have the requisite knowledge, skills, and abilities necessary to re-animate previously dead...and almost dead...creatures. While my success rate has not been the greatest in recent years, I think re-animation is what I have designed to do in Life-as-we-know-it.

Some of my past projects have involved grasshoppers, bees, a former boss, neighborhood cats, and two old men by the local Amtrak station.

The first man resembled a mannequin; the second resembled the first man but talked even less. Neither got invited to many parties, had wooden personalities, and enjoyed watching old Hee-Haw re-runs for hours on end with nary so much as moving a finger. I discovered, quite by accident, that the electric fence I had built around my cubicle could be adjusted to shoot a bolt of electricity towards the two tv watchers. Generally speaking, their response was limited to either, "yup...yup...yup or u-huh...u-huh."

Enclosed you will find my current resume along with a link to my Paypal account.

Perhaps we can arrange a telephone interview?


Jason M. Parrish

05 July 2010

5 July 2010. The Odyssey Continues

According to my calendar, I have not posted anything of much substantialness in a really long time. I must confess I've been spending time on Facebook mindlessly checking the minutia of people I haven't seen in ages. It's starting to become an addiction...sort of like I had to watch G.I. Joe everyday when in grade school.

I promise to post more often here soon...just as soon as I check my status updates.

27 June 2010

22 May 2010

Deoxyribonucleic Acid

Contrary to rumors, the Meaning of Life is more than


A Little Bit of Ying; A Little Bit of Yang

I'm not one to start rumors, but does anybody else see a striking resemblance between these two characters?
My intuition tells me they are one and the same person.

14 May 2010




"This is the minding other people's better business bureau telemarketing agency at an unknown location in America and various sites in Nigeria. How are you today?"

"Swell. And you?"

"Fine sir. We would like to yabba dadda yabba bubba ....."

"Sorry to interrupt, but I believe you have the wrong person. This is the U.S office of the Häagen-Dazs Proper Verb Conjugation Society. Where our motto is:

I Scream
You Scream
We All Scream for Ice Cream

So unless you are asking for advice on how to relieve ice cream headaches due to Cherry Garcia and other commonly mis-spelt words, I should like to bid you farewell and have an ice day. Good-bye."

(The above conversation is not an unusual occurrence in my life)... No kidding...

04 May 2010

The Game of Life

It came in a flash of insight. A revelation. A paradigmatic shift of consciousness. This time without the mushrooms.

Where there's a will, there's a way.
Where there's a way, there's a door.
Where there's a door, there's a knob.
Where there's a knob, there's a key.
Where there's a key, it'll probably get lost.
If it gets lost, it can be found by a good metal detector...

(This was a rather long epiphany and can be read in it's entirety in a future post)

I'll not bore you with the details but the end of the revelation was the answer to the Meaning of Life. More specifically, the meaning to Life-as-we-now-know-it. Not the next-life-as-some-of-us-will-know-it and certainly not life-in-any-previous-sort-of-existence.

The Meaning of Life is that life is essentially a game. A virtual reality game in which all the world's a stage and we're all the players. There's a small percentage of people that are actually stage props, but as they all now work for an un-named government agency we can disregard them for the time being.

Life, see, isn't really real. At least real as we usually think of the term real. It's virtual. The plan is for us to learn how to maneuver through all the different levels until time runs out or our energy levels deplete. In some cases, people really mess up and get removed from the system, but this is rare.

This virtual existence also explains spoon bending, the Bermuda Triangle, the rash of vanishing hitch-hikers on the West Coast, the occasional kidney heist, those hooks you sometimes see hanging on the doorway of your girlfriends house, UFOs, straight A's after your college roommate takes an extended vacation, and the Laws of Economics.

The secret is-we are not alone in the universe. Michael Jackson was right...you are not alone. Our actual bodies are hanging in some sort of hibernaculum/cocoon-like thing with tubes, wires, sensors, and probes all monitoring our every move.

Some of our more enlightened muses have even hinted around to our larval lives.

"Every breath you take and every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take, I'll be watching you
Every single day and every word you say
Every game you play"

--lyrics by Sting, boldness by me

Those beings you call angels are actually the hyper-somatic lab techs keeping us in the system. Some of the bad ones with plans of their own...the demons...keep trying to do their hack jobs. Occasionally, when things get slow, the angels will put on the VR gear and come into our sphere to do a little work...nudge us along...iron out the kinks...then step behind a tree and vanish.

Does this mean all those vanishing hitch-hikers in Los Angeles are angels?


Does this mean all those hobos living under your neighborhood bridge are angels?


Most of these are actual virtual real-life hobos...the ones you can smell. If they smell good, they might be hyper-somatic beings, people writing a book, or U.S. census workers trying to fit in. The rule of thumb is...if they smell like h.e. double l...they're not from heaven.

20 April 2010


I saw this little creature on youtube and decided I want one as a pet. The only thing I need is one river and a bag of otter chow.

16 April 2010

Buffalo Burgers

I went to Trader Joes this morning meaning to purchase a fan. I needed a new fan to blow smoke fumes outside-now that the stove is fixed. I've never been a smoker of tobacco products-just stuff like meat, eggs, mushrooms, leeks, onions, and various other members of the plant/animal/fungus/mineral kingdoms...basically anything that requires heating in a cast-iron skillet.

I thought Trader Joes was a discount store, but it's not. It's a grocery store that specializes in organic, green, environmentally-friendly, and bio-degradable food. It also sells Dentyne but I don't think Dentyne is bio-degradable unless you live near Chernobyl or Three-mile Island.

At first, I thought to leave without buying anything, but as everybody knows you cannot enter a grocery store without making a purchase. You can't say, "Oh, I'm just looking," like you can sometimes do at 7-11 from the hours between midnight and six A.M....at least without a straight face and a mask of some sort.

Since I had all the food and Dentyne I desired, I explored the aisles looking at the non-pesticided, free-ranging, organic plants and dead animals for sale. I discovered some buffalo meat labeled, 'raised without antibiotics or hormones.' Which I thought was a swell idea as injecting a creature 6 foot high at the shoulder, covered with black bristly hair, and sporting tusks with steroids was never a good idea. I figure guys like this already have enough issues in life.

Six hours later, in an experiment the likes of which I shall never try again, I drove to the neighboring park to run 6 miles. I won't say how far I got but I can assure you there is a very good reason why you never see any Olympic gold medalist attribute their performance to bison cheeseburgers on rye bread.

15 April 2010

I must buy this today.

"As foretold by ancient prophets, an apocalypse destroyed Earth during the twenty-first century. But two thousand years later Elyon set upon the Earth a new Adam. This time, He gave humanity an advantage. What was once unseen became seen. It was good and it was called . . . Green. But the evil Teeleh bided his time in a Black Forest. Then, when least expected, twenty-four-year-old Thomas Hunter fell asleep in our world and awoke in that future Black Forest."

Green: The Beginning and the End (Thorndike Press Large Print Christian Fiction)
by Ted Dekker

09 April 2010

Dear Noah Webster

Dear Noah Webster,

You know that big book you wrote about the English language?

Yeah...the one with about 200 additions?

Nobody reads it anymore.

You should write another one with pictures and hieroglyphics and post it on Facebook along with coupons for free Happy Meals.



30 March 2010

Word Pictures

A picture is not (usually) worth a thousand words unless it is an illiterate society. The closer a society approaches illiteracy-the more dumbed down it gets-the more images gain an influence. So when image is everything, the bad people know it is time to make their move.

Taking over a barbaric society is much easier than controlling a learned society because the barbarians do not know how to communicate clearly. All people know intuitively the difference between right and wrong, but if nobody can articulate exactly why certain things should be done then the moochers and the pirates can have a field day.

This is how many of history's dictators and warlords came to power.

An inarticulate society can be tricked into submission using nothing but pictures, sound bites, and slogans.

Sometimes all it takes is food, and if the society is obese and addicted...fat, dumb,and happy...so much the better.

20 March 2010

March Madness

I saw this on World Magazine's web site.

17 March 2010

The Official United States Census 2010: An Odyssey

By now, all you beloved readers have received the official US census form in the mail. If not, we can safely assume you are not an American...or worse...an un-person. The census begins by stating 'it must count every person living in the United States on April 1, 2010.' There are an estimated 6.8 billion persons living today and to expect a single census to count them all from the US has got to be an April Fool's Day joke.

The census also states to 'count all people, including babies, who live and sleep here most of the time.' It's scary to think that some people would not consider a baby to be a person and need to be told to count the little people.

We are also asked to name our race. As a biologist and a person I consider the word race to have very little inherent meaning. I think the only race is the human race and we are all descendants from Adam and Eve. Seeing as how Adam and Eve were from modern-day Southern Iraq, I assume this means all of us American persons are Iraqis engaged in a great civil war, counting everybody, from every nation so conceived and so dedicated for as long as we can endure.

10 March 2010

The Clam Boycott.

Early this morning my gastro-esophageal sphincter muscle friends abandoned me. Since then, I have been talking to Jesus and apologizing for the false offerings of clam chowder to the Gizzard God. Neptune, you should know, is responsible for this. He is to blame. The Great White Throne judgement I'm told will not be something you want to see. I know this from more than anecdotal experience and shall now enter into a lifelong boycott of clams, oysters, mussels, and other barnacle-like entities.

06 March 2010


Twas' the day before Sunday,
and all through the casa.
There was nothing to eat,
except Taco Bell salsa.

The cabinets were bare,
Except for the air.
Waiting for food,
That soon would be there.

I think it's time to explore the nearest grocery store.

04 March 2010


While sauntering through the grocery store today an old man sporting a long grey shaggy beard, ripped and faded blue jeans, flannel shirt, and muddy moccasins approached me and said,

"It's all a conspiracy, you know. It really is. Just a big conspiracy."

And because I felt quite ornery I said, "You're right. It IS a big conspiracy. It...it's mind boggling."

The old geezer nodded.

I nodded.

Then the lady behind me took her loaf of bread, donuts, and bag of apples to another cashier.

03 March 2010

OK GO Music Video

This is the coolest music video I've ever seen.

28 February 2010


'Roses are reddish.
Violets are bluish.
When the Messiah comes.
You'll wish you were Jewish.'

--Yiddish Proverb with slight modifications

Happy Purim Everybody.

26 February 2010

24 Hours Sans Sueno

The good news is the headache is gone. Of course I'm on a lot of caffeine and aspirin to go with a most sunny sky.

I bought some sweetened condensed milk yesterday thinking it was like regular milk. It's not. I needed a spoon to get it out of the can. I don't know how they make milk like that-it doesn't come out of a cow that way. It looks like somebody just milked a sperm whale. Since I was there-there being Wal-Mart...the Super Center kind-I figured to get me some lunch. I got a pre-made submarine and some pepper. I needed the pepper to flavor the sandwich-that and I needed the pepper anyway. The pepper label had a warning saying it may contain traces of soy, milk, paprika, sodium benzoate and essence of Charn. The sodium benzoate I've heard of. We use it at work to calibrate bomb calorimeters. Very explosive stuff, but it burns steady. In the eight years I spent at college studying chemistry , never once did I hear of Charn. The only Charn I ever heard of was the mythical world that Jadis the White Witch came from. Charn didn't kill me-just made me sneeze alot. I also noticed the submarine sandwich's expiration date read 'sell by 4:21 A.M. on 24 Feb 2010.' My receipt read 'purchased at 5:37 A.M. 24 Feb 2010.' Great. So now I'm living on borrowed time thinking, "I have to eat this thing asap." If it were a Hardee's Mushroom Melt this wouldn't be a problem, but this was roast beast...and could practically feel the fungal spores ready to germinate. Horseradish sauce, you should know, has anti-microbial properties. Naturally I lathered up the beast with the stuff. I think it worked although my nose was runny for the next 37 hours. Another thing I noticed-at 5:37 A.M. when a guy walks in wearing dark green khaki (my work clothes), black gloves, boots, and a black pea coat and heads straight to the pharmacy section for energy drinks and casually puts a copy of 'The Catcher in the Rye' into his shopping cart-the store cops take notice and stare at you all funny-like. They probably thought I had issues in life.

16 February 2010

Year of the Tiger: Day 2

Ever get the feeling that Life as we know know it is really a type of virtual reality in relation to a more real existence called real life?

I think this is a pretty good explanation of reality as it explains a lot of things that make no logical sense. Hormones and drugs (the same things really) make people do irrational things, but these are generally expected when partakes of strange substances. This also explains why women, being more intuitive and complex than men, are more in tune with something generically called Spirituality. Their virtual reality machinery is more fine-tuned to pick-up the subtle nuances, the quantum state changes in matter, that make-up the universe.

Does this sound New-Agey? Probably. But if one looks at the history of humanity, one cannot help but notice that everything seems to unfold like a well-written book composed by a super-intellect.

13 February 2010

14 February 2010

The Year of the Tiger begins tomorrow.

Should be interesting.

Check out this great MSN Video: Year of The Tiger

I ♥ Global Warming

Hawai'i is the lone holdout-so far.

(Yes, Hawai'i IS spelled correctly.)

49/50 states currently have snow on the ground. Meteorologist aren't sure if this has ever happened since the last ice age. The AP says (I'm paraphrasing) this is merely an outlier and a unique weather event. Overall, the climate is still experiencing a human-induced warming trend and the chance of another Snowmageddon is extremely rare. I'm not sure I believe most meteorologists as one the the underlying assumptions they make concerning the Earth's current climate is a belief in Uniforitarianism-which states that climate tends to stay relatively constant over millions of years. Yet anyone with common sense and a tiny knowledge of geology knows this is clearly not the case.

Perhaps we should blame the gods and make the Goracle repent for preaching the inconvenient truth.

29 January 2010

15 B.G. (Before Google)

Once upon a time in a world without car horns and remote controls a fellow asked me,

“Do you want the job?”

I don’t recall exactly what the job entailed but it had something to do with determining the edibleness of wild mushrooms and clinical trials in the first stage of FDA approval. The amount offered was prodigious and my main thought was, ‘hopefully I get into the placebo group.’ But due to a deep-seated aversion to gambling and a very religious upbringing forbidding drugs and alcoholic beverages, apart from Vanilla flavoring, declined the offer.

That’s not to say I didn’t think about it. With the extra money I could start a side business raising emus on a ranch with salmon and trout streams. Emus lay the world’s second largest egg and one can make Faberge-like egg-purses for the rich and fragile. The omelets would be huge…something like 14 regular chicken eggs = one emu egg with the only danger being a really bad case of Salmonella.

I could quit the part-time gig as an Elmo mascot at the local kid’s museum and tell people I’m an Anthromycologist at parties serving expensive hors d’oeurves consisting of rare fish, goat cheese, and the non-lethal mushrooms. Mrs. Parrish, the beautiful, charming, and witty Mrs. Parrish…we met at the university cafeteria and knew we were made for each other when we discovered a mutual interest in big birds, trash-can dwelling life forms, and snuffleupagus sightings…would be at my side. The rich people would come bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, and $25 Starbucks gift certificates and sing praises to my name call me blessed one and a really fun guy. I would wax eloquent and give my opinion on alternatives to an NCAA D1 football playoff system called Stimulus II. And when they ask me deep philosophical questions such as,

“How do they punish a Siamese twin if one commits murder?”

I’ll say, “Bring me a sword!” and stall for time until I think of something profound and mutter obscure Latin phrases until…until I direct them to my Emu-Faberge purse web site on the new and improved Max iPad much to the chagrin of the wonderful Mrs. Parrish, Proctor and Gamble, and those seeking enlightenment.

“Lesser Sensory Perception (LSP) is the path to true happiness…still stalling…if one hears no evil, sees no evil, or feels no evil, it is only a matter of time until one disbelieves in evil. So when evil comes, one calls it ‘ungoodness.’ Which, technically speaking, is not an actual English word so one might as well re-arrange the letters to make ‘goosed nuns.’ And everybody knows a goosed nun is a rare nun albeit a definite evil.

23 January 2010

Today's Proverb

"Go with your gut feeling."

"Listen to your heart."

"What does your brain say?"

"Do what your nerves tell you."

If one tries to do the rational thing and listen to all these body parts, it is inevitable one will go mad. Ever notice how it's always the most rational people who lose it? People who eat, drink, and are constantly kept amused by the tv never go crazy. Perhaps they're simply listening to their colon...the one body part that is NEVER wrong.

Road trip

Some pictures of a recent road trip I took for mental and inspirational reasons.

--The white funky airplane is the Voyager, or rather a model replica, as I think the actual one is in D.C. It was the first plane to travel around the world without stopping at Exxon for gas, beef jerky, or Mt. Dew.

--The bi-plane was, at the time, the latest in aviation complete with a winged tail.

--The parking lot mountain (volcano really) is Mt. Rainier from @30 miles away as seen from Lakewood, WA on a most rare sunny day.

--The rest of the pictures are of an old growth tree ring (taller than me), the Nisqually River, Route 7 from Tacoma to Mt. Rainier National Park, and some Cascade Mt. range shots as seen from the cockpit of a sky-blue PT Cruiser on a 60-degree January day.

My only regret was not seeing Bigfoot. The nice forest ranger lady said he might be hiding or possibly foraging for salmon in the Pike Place market in Seattle. It was kind of hard to tell as many Seattle-ites sport prodigious quantities of facial hair and what with a Star Wars convention in town...Hirsute Harry could have been mistaken for Chewbacca in a pinch.

10 January 2010

Dom.i.nos...Change has come

I do not consider myself much of a sentimentalist-more like a thinkamentalist-but this video made me weep.

Of course it was well after lunch time when I saw it. My excuse? Hunger pangs and a deep-seated hatred of mediocrity.

05 January 2010

The Newest Wonder of the World

REUTERS/Mosab Omar

2,717 feet = about half a mile above the ground.

I want an office here...one near the top...so I can throw paper airplanes out the window and watch them land in oh,...Southern Iran.

04 January 2010


One of my secret dreams is to have a pet fox called Smell E. Peyote. I also want an African large-clawed otter named Sidney. Anyways...

This picture is yet another unusual thing I found in a cabinet at work. I can only assume the warning label is there because somebody, somewhere, in a similar laboratory, attempted to put this very type of tubing into a living breathing animal in hopes of improving its life. But something went very wrong and which necessitated a very quick burial.

I went to Walmart today for two reasons, (actually 6 reasons, one of which is philosophical and medical and requires a great deal of math and statistics to explain fully.)

1-to get an oil change
2-to get new truck tires

After waiting for a very longish time the Walmart people cancelled my order without explanation. Then, for my time and trouble they gave me a free oil change which made me happy. The greasy dirty guy with hamburger and bananas in line behind me, however, was not happy for me. I know this because he spent a good 5 minutes talking to himself while the managers were discussing my two reasons for visiting them.

It wasn't a total waste of time. I caught up on my reading and feel up-to-date on exotic sports cars, bass fishing lures (jigs are best with spoons a close second), and the latest video games. There was also a magazine predicting the results of the 2009 college football scene...which was almost, but not quite, nearly 100% inaccurate to a fault.

As for my good deed of the day, I helped a little girl get water out of the industrial-sized coffee maker in the waiting room, which nobody actually used due to H1N1 or H2D2....or R2D2...whatever the latest flu strain is now called...fears. One cup for her, and another cup for the squirt gun she carried around shooting random strangers with.

Which reminds me: www.Peopleofwalmart.com

These people actually exist. I saw some of them today. Scariness.