09 July 2010

Help Wanted

I discovered the following ad this morning on Craigslist and felt compelled to reply.

Reanimator (New Orleans)

Date: 2010-06-24, 1:58PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


I am seeking a scientist interested in "re-animation technology". I want to create zombies in order to kill them. Or to keep them as pets. Not sure which yet. To do so, you must be familiar with the CNS and how death affects its functioning. I have some basic ideas on how to create a zombie but fresh ideas are always welcome.

Location: New Orleans
Compensation: Depends on zombie creating ability
Telecommuting is ok.
This is a part-time job

My Response:

Good Morning,

I saw your recent ad in Craigslist and think I have the requisite knowledge, skills, and abilities necessary to re-animate previously dead...and almost dead...creatures. While my success rate has not been the greatest in recent years, I think re-animation is what I have designed to do in Life-as-we-know-it.

Some of my past projects have involved grasshoppers, bees, a former boss, neighborhood cats, and two old men by the local Amtrak station.

The first man resembled a mannequin; the second resembled the first man but talked even less. Neither got invited to many parties, had wooden personalities, and enjoyed watching old Hee-Haw re-runs for hours on end with nary so much as moving a finger. I discovered, quite by accident, that the electric fence I had built around my cubicle could be adjusted to shoot a bolt of electricity towards the two tv watchers. Generally speaking, their response was limited to either, "yup...yup...yup or u-huh...u-huh."

Enclosed you will find my current resume along with a link to my Paypal account.

Perhaps we can arrange a telephone interview?


Jason M. Parrish


kludge said...


Any word yet?

Jason Michael Parrish said...

Nothing. I figure they're probably spending all their time cleaning oil off pelicans.