Turtles live a long time because when weird people come visiting they can go inside their house until the weird people go away. They don't have to put up with people who make them get out wheelchairs and try to walk, even though they have one leg, and make fun of them when they cannot and tell them they don't love Jesus enough.

When I was a small child I found a gecko. Naturally I wanted to see how it worked, so I took it apart. Next thing I knew, I had a non-working gecko. I had an interesting childhood.

Once one realizes that 99% of the time 99% of the people don't know what they're talking about 99% of the time, one can generally get along with 99% of the people 99% of the time.

Until then, there is always aspirin.

You may not know this, but I once translated the entire book of Ecclesiastes into functional Ebonics.

I replaced all the 'meaningless' words with 'da man got me down'. All the 'verilys' with 'you dig.' Every instance of the word 'wisdom' I used 'Jerry rig.' And for the 'amens' I used the word 'uh-huh...that's why I'm saying.'

The Ebonics version gives it a more literal feel. It's more earthy and genuine.

Organic.

It does lose a bit a bit of the author's natural rhythm and flavor...perhaps makes all the meaninglessness somewhat darker, but hey, in the hood what can you expect?

The result is, I think, something Everyman can relate to...preferably one who isn't obsessed with grammar.

Did I mention I also replaced all the 'kings' with 'community organisers?'

Things That Make One Weary on Life's Pilgrim Journey

by me:)

Old age, non-prescription chemicals, too much FD and C #3 yellow, prescription chemicals, hypothyroidism, winter, the 2nd law of thermodynamics, evil spirits from hanging out with unicorn lovers, allergic reaction to Spam, Botulism spores, increased cortisol production from stress caused by stepping in one too many mini Skoal pyramids at West Virginian Exxons, the Fall of Man, Obama, repressed rage due to frustrated attempts at origami crustaceans, iphone magnetism, Gamma rays, the neighbors, the neighbor's cat, the neighbor's cat's spoor, Thorium leaching into the water supply from mountain top mining, shrinkage, Libya in general, The Bolshevik Revolution, too much baby sloth watching activities on YouTube, raw bacon the day after the expiration date, K-Mart, dead porcupines, retro Nikes, obese gerbils, the inevitable erosion of telomeres in my DNA, fossilized coprolites, dry glue, used razor blades, pig's feet in the deli section, high taxes, missing commas, and and The Boston Globe

I can't take it anymore!

This Week's To-Do List

 You know who have plenty of time on your hands when re-writing the Bhagavad Gita...making it a theological comedy...is on your list of things to do...

Rules For Happiness

It helps to keep in mind that 99.9% of the time, 99.9% of the people do not know what they're talking about 99.9% of the time.

Today's Resolution: I promise to be nicer to people with consonant-heavy surnames.

Sunday Sunday

Ah, Sunday.

The perfect day to grok Jesus and God in Euclidean Reality despite what Zarathustra says.

Sometimes...for kicks...I like to drive past the biology building at the local college and yell Creationist slogans like 'Ontology recapitulates Phylogeny is a false dogma!" but nobody takes me seriously.

Someday I hope to be mayor.

It has been said in the last days the lion will layeth down with the lamb, but I don't think the lamb will get a whole lot of sleep in this situation.