10 July 2008

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

There are good things in Life. There are bad things in Life. But rest assured,

Life Is For Everyone.

The Atkin's Diet: A bad thing in life. This is the diet where one eats meat, meat-like substances (Spam), cheese, pork rinds, grease, lard, and bacon.

All bad things.

After a few months your large intestines resemble an off-shore oil derrick and turns into a greasy slip-N-slide, which explains why you're always running to the porcelain goddess to make obeisance, thus committing idolatry-the most heinous of sins.

I tell people the Atkin's Diet is unhealthy, but for some reason they don't listen to me.

Does this make me a mean person? What can I say?

I step on kittens, turn right on red without signalling, drive an SUV, and voted for Bush in the last 2 elections.

A good thing in Life is hugging, though this seems to be somewhat a problem for men.

Some guys just can't do it-like two grizzly bears-they mosey on close to one another, snuffle around a bit. . .usually there's some coughing involved. . .then the creatures make contact for exactly 2 seconds (I timed them) and break.

Now. Observe.

When men hug, they imperceptibly tap one another on the back 3 times.

For all you female readers out there, this is man-speak. Translated-this means-this tapping.

Count em' 1. . .2. . .3. . .means. . .

I'm. Not. Gay.

Break.

1 comment:

kludge said...

I never volunteer for the man hug but some guys just will not shake hands. In that case I do the 1,2,3.

"I step on kittens" Is it wrong that I can't stop laughing at this line!?