Missio Dei

I spent the last week fasting. No food. Just water, tea, coffee, and anything you can mix in a blender that doesn't require flossing afterwards. A very religious woman once told me you don't feel hunger after 3 days. She lied. After 6 days you can smell a carrot underground from 200 feet away and consider rabbits as the enemy. The Gospels expect Christians to fast, which seems strange, but remember the Gospels were written in a predominately Middle Eastern culture and the customs are somewhat different than ours.

The Gospel, or the Good News, is Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. . .Not Stuff White People Like, as Americans believe. It's easier to feel God when you're fasting. I think this is because you feel like you're going to die and people start feeling very holy when this happens as Ezekiel of old apparently did. Notice that his strange visions of the bright shining creatures took place after a time of fasting. Also notice that an angel put a live coal in his mouth and told him to eat a flying scroll-solid foods. Well, not really food. . .yet he said the scroll tasted like honey. . .until indigestion set in.

I also discovered that during fasting one has a tendency to get quite logical and go on starch and rescue missions looking for edible things to place in the mouth that, strictly-speaking, are not food. Dating is also difficult-not that I would really know-but others told me of cruising the local roads with the windows down huffing fumes from McDonalds and Wendys.

Quite often, one gets strange dreams and visions. Once, after four days, the Lord spoke to me in a dream and said,

"Arise, my son. Go ye into the marketplace and there prepare me a sacrifice. Take a bird, set it in the flames, and roast it for a time, times, and half a time at 350 degrees. Then anoint it with bbq sauce and consume the flesh of the beast, then you will have the strength of men and angels. Go now. Make haste. And fear not the eyes of mortal men for I am with you-thus sayeth the Lord."

I heeded the Voice. To obey is better than sacrifice you know, and arose from my bed. Put on my sacks and ashes. . .and sauntered into Krogers with bent back and bowed head. I felt like a weary pilgrim returning to the Holy Land. . .although the sunglasses kind of took away the effect.

I found the creature (just as the Lord described) wrapped in swaddled plastic and laying in a bed of ice. It was a trite little beast, barely the size of a man's hand. I held the dainty creature to my bosom and solemnly walked to the checkout. . .and laid the beast upon the counter and piously watched as it slowly moved towards the cashier.

My hands were clenched. . .tears welled in my eyes. . .and as I lifted mine eyes to give thanks unto the Lord for this creature sent from heaven. I noticed the cashier was a lady from the church.

She looked at me and said, "Say. I know you. You're that quiet fellow always sitting in the back. You're not gonna eat this thing, are ya. We're supposed to be fasting"

I put my hands to my lips and replied, "Shhh. . .quiet. . .can't. . .can't speak now. . .You. . .don't understand. . .You see. . .I'm on a mission from God."