08 March 2013

Training for the Olympics

More Training  Advice: (Because it’s Friday and I’ve nothing better to do except look at a hundred microscope slides of dead arthropods at work…and my eyeballs hurt)

This is guaranteed to make one a much faster runner.

1-Sell all your worldly possessions and move to the Himalayas in Northern Nepal.

2-Buy a tea house and learn Nepali…I’ve a phrase book if you want.

3-Spend the first six months running from the tea house to the nearest village twice a day.

*note: this should be at an altitude no less than 15,000 feet

4-By this time your hemocrit level should reach illegal levels according to the International Olympic Committee which is where you want to be.

5- Rest for one week and read ‘War and Peace’ in the original Russian.

6-(Time for speedwork) MWF for the next 3 months, run 3*1 mile repeats uphill. Wear Sketchers, Wal-Mart jorts, and tube socks…and a weight vest if you can find one whilst training. This will curb any doubts left in the mind of others that you are in fact crazy…quite crazy…and the natives won’t bother you. TThS and S you should run easily 8-10 miles on a dirt trekking path.

7-Take 3 days off and make yak jerky…you’ll need the protein. It’s prolly a good time to make sure your oxygen-generating machine is working as well.

8-The last three months, run 20*400m repeats with 45sec rest in a tea plantation. Ideally you’ll want a big bull yak in there to keep you wary and alert. This will train your fast twitch muscle fibers in a way simply running around your typical American high school track won’t. Do this 3 days a week while resting the other three. One day a week should be a long run…I’m thinking a round-trip jog to Everest and back should do the trick…and take a bag of candy.

9-By now you should have the lung capacity of a Diplodocus, blood so thick with red blood cells you need a pacemaker, and muscles that rival Madonna’s biceps. So…then it will the optimum time you run a 5000m PR.
Good Luck>

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