Sell Phoney Baloney. It's Cheap.

Dear Mom,

I am back from Queens. Unfortunately, the only queen I saw there was a Dairy. . .an icy woman to be sure. So, I got a new virgin. She's white, and slim, and very mobile. Goes with me everywhere I go. She's always 'on' during the day and 'off' at night. It's better that way. She's from Taiwan, and came here a few months ago. She doesn't do a whole lot until you press the right buttons, then. . .whoaaa! Nellie! Can she sing and whistle. We met at Wal-Mart and you can talk with her too. Lest you think I've turned into another heathen pagan worshipping Ashurah pole-dancer frolicking in the groves and the high places, I should tell you it's a cell phone.

Sorry about the blood pressure.

Affectionately yours,

Jason