Sometimes...

I spent the morning trying to convince myself Secular Existentialism is a realistic model for viewing reality. Then I wrote a 225-page novel using random and chance mechanisms based on a reductionist view of mankind. Here’s the 1^st chapter…(which I don’t think will be a best-seller.)

Once upon a ghty87nslf0nhndua7cbbsjcbhsjcsubax”bua_nd. Gtncence899eh5%%fhjefnjnnjhuaioioki!hkh~hfjejhfjeheeuhfnk. Then Alton replied, “hgyrrtjhjb 8808_=kdfhhkhhrhh!”

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Pepperhood

One of the saddest sites in the world today is seeing people tricked into believing Dr. Topper is equal to Dr. Pepper.

Not so.

“Doctor” Topper is deluded in thinking his soda is on par with the bona fide Doctor. Calling oneself doctor with the thinking you’ll gain an air of authority with the cola-seeking masses is the height of arrogance. Mister Topper would do well to repent of his false fizziness label, quit misleading people, and put forth an earnest effort to earn his ...doctorate in carbonation if this is his heart’s desire.

Dr. Pepper spent years studying kola extracts, brain tonic theories, and pepsinology…perfecting his craft of mixing those 23 mysterious ingredients in just the right amounts. Topper thinks he can mix carmel E150d, carbonated water, and sugar and pawn it off as a legitimate substitute.

Bad Topper!

Smack! Smack!

Don’t be misled gentle readers. For surely it has been said in the last days men will believe lies and heap onto themselves false beverages which twinkle the eyes with zest and highly-flavored substitutes.

Remember your creed folks:

'I'm a Pepper, he's a Pepper,
She's a Pepper, we're a Pepper,
Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?
Be a Pepper. Drink Dr Pepper.'

Don’t even get me started on “Dr.” Thunder...

Here are a few false peppers to add to your blacklist.

 

I 'heart' weird people

It never pays to debate a cryptozoologist, even if the expert has a ‘doctor’s degree’ from a cutting-edge cryptozoological research center…one accredited by the Society of Supranormal Research…and located somewhere deep in the heart of the mysterious Bayou.

I enjoy reading about Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster sightings. I also enjoy reading about the adventures of Frodo Baggins. But, after a hundred years of alleged sightings, mysterious footprints, and unexplained ripples, one should expect to see some actual footage of the beasts. Yes-some actual documentation would be good.

Note: documentation is not a letter from one Mary Beth Clara Lee Sara Bell who writes,

“I jest know’d it was the monster. I seeeeeeen it wit my own eyes and Glory be, I’ll never be a doubter agin!”

This is not evidence. To do so is insulting to bona fide researchers and English teachers everywhere. What this IS evidence of is a poorly misguided soul who needs to get out of the trailer park more often.

Extinct Icthyosaurs and hirsute humanoids make great stories and entertain the masses until tears flow and emotions run high. But sometimes wanting to believe in cryptozoans, and sometimes even seeing cryptozoans through your mind’s eye during an altered state of consciousness, does not mean your belief is congruent with Reality.

Reality is consistent, it doesn’t change. When one’s belief system fails to reflect Reality, it doesn’t mean the facts are wrong. It means the belief system is flawed and should be examined closely to discover why nothing ever happens the way one think it should happen.

Here are some cryptozoologists performing research.

 

When a person has completed 40 revolutions around the sun, and is a member of the planet called Earth, the phenomenon known as ‘dating’ (sometimes called wooing or courting) then refers to the process of comparing the ratio of radioactive c...arbon isotopes to the regular carbon isotopes in the chance that one can find out the birthday of whatever it is you’re interested in celebrating the birthday of.

Yes, English majors, that last sentence ended in a preposition.

Wooing, after the 22,459th turn of Earth, is the sound one makes when climbing a large hill. As in,

“Cough, cough, cough, woo!”

In some cultures this is a mantra old maids and monks chant as a coming-of-age ritual.

Courting is half-court basketball with a lowered rim and dubious dribbling skills. You’ll often see guys wooing invisible women during pick-up games. These invisible gals are called ‘woo-men’ and can never EVER be captured, sort of like the mythical Atalanta who ran away from all her suitors until that one fellow cheated by rolling shiny golden apples past her hoping to win her heart. Apparently this worked and they lived happily ever after until somebody decided they were mythical creatures and wrote them out of the history and phone books.

I tried, seriously, to do the wooing thing by tossing hand-painted M and Ms on the trail this morning. But they froze in mid-air and had the effect of small, extremely cold, rocks and frightened poor Miss Muffet (or whatever her name is) away.

Here are two creatures practicing amphibial mantras.