06 January 2014

When a person has completed 40 revolutions around the sun, and is a member of the planet called Earth, the phenomenon known as ‘dating’ (sometimes called wooing or courting) then refers to the process of comparing the ratio of radioactive c...arbon isotopes to the regular carbon isotopes in the chance that one can find out the birthday of whatever it is you’re interested in celebrating the birthday of.

Yes, English majors, that last sentence ended in a preposition.

Wooing, after the 22,459th turn of Earth, is the sound one makes when climbing a large hill. As in,

“Cough, cough, cough, woo!”

In some cultures this is a mantra old maids and monks chant as a coming-of-age ritual.

Courting is half-court basketball with a lowered rim and dubious dribbling skills. You’ll often see guys wooing invisible women during pick-up games. These invisible gals are called ‘woo-men’ and can never EVER be captured, sort of like the mythical Atalanta who ran away from all her suitors until that one fellow cheated by rolling shiny golden apples past her hoping to win her heart. Apparently this worked and they lived happily ever after until somebody decided they were mythical creatures and wrote them out of the history and phone books.

I tried, seriously, to do the wooing thing by tossing hand-painted M and Ms on the trail this morning. But they froze in mid-air and had the effect of small, extremely cold, rocks and frightened poor Miss Muffet (or whatever her name is) away.

Here are two creatures practicing amphibial mantras.

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