15 January 2014


One of the saddest sites in the world today is seeing people tricked into believing Dr. Topper is equal to Dr. Pepper.

Not so.

“Doctor” Topper is deluded in thinking his soda is on par with the bona fide Doctor. Calling oneself doctor with the thinking you’ll gain an air of authority with the cola-seeking masses is the height of arrogance. Mister Topper would do well to repent of his false fizziness label, quit misleading people, and put forth an earnest effort to earn his ...doctorate in carbonation if this is his heart’s desire.

Dr. Pepper spent years studying kola extracts, brain tonic theories, and pepsinology…perfecting his craft of mixing those 23 mysterious ingredients in just the right amounts. Topper thinks he can mix carmel E150d, carbonated water, and sugar and pawn it off as a legitimate substitute.

Bad Topper!

Smack! Smack!

Don’t be misled gentle readers. For surely it has been said in the last days men will believe lies and heap onto themselves false beverages which twinkle the eyes with zest and highly-flavored substitutes.

Remember your creed folks:

'I'm a Pepper, he's a Pepper,
She's a Pepper, we're a Pepper,
Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?
Be a Pepper. Drink Dr Pepper.'

Don’t even get me started on “Dr.” Thunder...

Here are a few false peppers to add to your blacklist.

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