1 Comfort vs. Style: One should never sacrifice comfort for the sake of style. Pain is quite often the punishment for petty vanity. It’s true. It’s implied in Leviticus. Neither should one sacrifice style for comfort. Wear what you like, and like what you wear. Just don’t be a cheapskate. Life is too short. Which brings us to our next topic.
Teeth Whitening: With the invention of sandblasting during the early part of the twentieth century, anyone can now experience a pearly white smile. Sure, your teeth may be two millimeters tall, but with everyone on liquid carb-free diets nowadays, this is not a problem. For those of you without access to a sandblaster, chewing sandpaper is the next best thing.
"But 84 Lumber is closed today," you might ask.
Have no fear gentle readers, SuperWalmart is ALWAYS open. Even on Yom Kippur. Sandpaper has one drawback, it only comes in two flavors: Dover English Chalk and White Desert Sand. Fortunately, a third option exists. Granola cereal. One cup inserted into the mouth before leaving for work and after passionately kissing your young, hip, curvy, voluptuous wife with long hair, red lips, and penchant for preserved vegetables should do the trick. Just make sure you take your Crest as co-workers can sometimes be a bit leery of working with the ‘man-with-the-speckled-leopard-teeth.’
And now, some History
Flare: Flare and I had a tenuous relationship for two years.
A very long two years.
It was during this period of my life, referred to as the Dark Ages, I aged from a 19-year-old ready to take on the world charismatic political world leader to be, into a 47-year-old, fat, bald, bohemian who oftentimes got arrested for vagrancy. You see, I had a dream. In this dream, I was skipping in a meadow with a basket in my hand. The basket was inscribed with the word ‘OPTIONS’ and it had a hole in it. It was a time that tried man’s soul. It has been said by one wit ‘Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.’ Which is true unless 100% methanol is used. It has also been said ‘Where there’s smoke, there’s Flare.’
What would precipitate such a profound maxim?
Dating Flare required smoke and mirrors.
Flare was not what we modern folk typically refer to as ‘visually appealing,’ nor what old folks call ‘beautiful,’ nor what Neanderthals called ‘mammoth good.’ And while some would say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it is a rare man to associate feminine beauty with the face of a bulldog.
I got me a woman with a hook in her nose
She’s got two buck teeth and wears second hand clothes
She stutters when she speaks and walks with a hop
I don’t know why I love her but I just can’t stop
I’m in love with the ugliest girl in the world 2
But Flare had substance, Flare had style, Flare had, well...flare. She had a wonderful personality and she made a great cook.
The woman I love has got two flat feet
a nose like a crow, and her eyebrows meet
When she talks she says ba ba baby...I I Luv uv....youuu
But there’s nothing in this world, I wouldn’t do for her
(Ya see) I’m in love with the ugliest girl in the world 3
But a lass, she was, much like her name implies...a passing fancy. I do miss her so. And should we ever meet again on the other side of eternity. . .well. . .God gives beauty for ashes. . .I’m really counting on it.
Again, The Wiggle Has Spoken
1 -The following may not apply to residents of Kentucky, Southern West Virginia, or the section of North Carolina stretching from roughly Raleigh/Durham to Charlotte.
2- paraphrase from a really old Bob Dylan song
3- More paraphrasing from a really old Bob Dylan song