01 March 2012

One March Twenty-Twelve

Once upon a time I used to update Puddleglum's Wigwam with something close to regularity. Then I got writer's block which is merely another name for linguistic constipation. The l.c. caused my cerebellum to undergo a depression in which all looked dark and bleak, with the sun a mere memory. I purchased some fluorescent bulbs to stimulate my neurons into believing I was vacationing on Mercury.

This did not work.

Fluorescent bulbs only emit light along a small wavelength...like a laser, not actual daylight, and the depression continued. I grew more depressed and considered my life in this great cosmic consciousness called the Here and Now.

"I have come quite a ways since the There and Then," I said to my Id. "And what do I have to show for it? I have been grokking merrily in circles in 4-D reality and seemed to have come to a dead end."

A book of quotes told me a dead end is a rut and a rut is a trench and a trench is a coffin with both ends cut out. I thought long and hard about this maxim and briefly considered a career in professional luging. This is the sport where you lay prostrate on a piece of metal and careen madly down a long icy rut until you come to a screeching halt into the nearest Coke machine.

I chose not to pursue this field.

I considered joining a Buddhist monastery and meditating in the lotus position for eight hours...channeling and focusing...trying to reach bliss. Bliss is another name for Nirvana. They say its the spot you come to after you completely empty your mind of all thoughts. They also say Nirvana is not all it's cracked up to be, in fact, its a little like Cleveland during winter. Nirvana also sounds uncannily similar to watching late night infomercials...with all the channeling and focusing.

Not good.

The journey continued.

I explored facial yoga. One of the exercises required me to hold the toothbrush in a stationary position with the bristles resting against my teeth. Then, I proceeded to defy all societal norms,(with the notable exception of this neat little alchemical society in Luxembourg I discovered later), and rotate my jaw bone to and fro like a jig-saw.

Dizziness ensued.

According to Martha Stewart Living, the magazine-not the actual Martha Stewart, the best cure for dizziness is ginger root. The root, sold in powdered form at Wal-Marts everywhere (thank Sam!) is taken orally by mouth or mixed with herbal tea 2-4 times daily. The result is a complete lack of dizziness and a whole lot of sleepiness.

I tried it. I liked it. And shall continue to use it.

Even if it does make one feel like Cleveland...in summer.

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