08 November 2012

Life is Amazing

At noon, I decided to visit Wal-Mart in search of a headlamp, gold wrapping paper, fruits and vegetables, and fluorescent duct tape. The food and headlamp is for the 24-hour race this week-end (yes-you heard right...24 hours of non-stop forward progress...a man needs hobbies you know) and the yellow wrapping paper is for the colossal origami rhinoceros beetle I'm making.

Long story.

Upon arrival I noticed a nilla wafer in the parking lot by my Mazda. I looked around, saw nobody was watching, and...ate it.

I have no logical explanation.

A couple of steps later another nilla wafer made its presence. As before (nobody was watching) I quickly popped it into my mouth. The sugar rush made me walk faster and faster until

"Lo! What's this," I cried.

Another nilla wafer directly in my path.

I ate it.

Finally, I made the door and got a shopping cart. Wouldn't you know it...there were two nilla wafers sitting there looking pretty on top of some unused coupons for coconut-flavored Insure. Just before eating them, (I was ravenous by this time), a homeless lady wearing pink pants and pink jacket approached me. The hungry look in her eye told me she wanted the wafers.

I hurried on and found the headlamp in the sporting goods department, right beside the backpacks, penknives, another nilla wafer (which I ate), and, curiously enough, three large cherries. No Wal-Mart associates were in sight so I decided to eat these as well. At the same moment, the pink homeless lass came into my aisle, turned blue in the face when she saw my cherry-stained lips, and started to run.

Now, there's something you should know about me. I like running. And when I eat enough nilla wafers and carbo-load on cherries, something comes over me and I start seeing hallucinations and auras. Sugar high perhaps?

I chased the pink (now blue) bag lady into the women's undergarments sections and got disoriented. This section makes me giddy. I suppose if I were married it would be like standing in my wife's closet, but I'm more or less a non-confirmed monkish bachelor this would not be a problem. Fortunately, (you may think I'm exaggerating now), a 7th nilla wafer lay somewhat hidden under some socks and this I ate as well.

The bag lady, now red with rage, threw a $20 purse at me and chased me all the way to electronics, past the cat food section, the paper towel section, and finally to the layaway dept, where I escaped into the bathroom.

I like Wal-Mart bathrooms. They have nilla wafer dispensers on all the walls. Which is why sometimes there actually is a free lunch if you're a homeless fellow.

In case you're wondering, no, there is no hidden meaning here.

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