You May Be a Bit Obsessive Compulsive... |
 Meticulous and detailed oriented, you have some irrational obsessions. Maybe it's your super neat closet or washing your hands a gazillion times. You probably know it's weird, but you just can't stop thinking about it. In fact, the more you think about your quirks, the more you have to do them. |
06 October 2006
Obsessive Compulsive. . .me?
05 October 2006
Blogging
"I spend way too much time reading blogs of strangers cause it's addicting to read the personal and semi-private online journals which tells me that I have a curious nature, much more than normal, and I should really find some other things to do with my life so as not to waste so much time because, after all, what good can one glean from the perusing of all this blogomania?" thinks Jason as he types on his Compaq at 3 PM while staring out the window at the cleaning ladies troop from apartment to apartment on golf carts sweating profusely in the 75 degree sunny weather here in Virginia Beach and the squirrels who play in the front grassy area before the children return from school and chase them with rusty tricycles and streamers and ice cream in their pudgy little hands.
The area beside the apartment complex here to Regent University (a mile away) is a large, wooded area home to fat old foxes who come out at night looking for rabbits and other small furry creatures with whom or of whom, I forget which it's supposed to be, they can spend and agreeable night with. The creature I saw the other night was the fattest fox I have ever seen. It was checking out the 3 large rabbits that hang out in my front yard and when it saw me coming, trooped off back to the woods.
Have you ever felt like Charlie from Flowers for Algernon. . .after he comes down from his medication? Yeah, it's kind of a bazaar feeling, knowing that you have a prodigious quantity of knowledge in your mind, but can't access it for unexplainable reasons. . .actually you could, but to do so would require something extraordinary to jog your memory banks.
I wonder what heaven will be like has been the dominant thought in my mind, not brain, mind, mind you, lately and I cannot seem to get rid of it nor do I want to. I also have this incredible feeling that God is staring at me like a giant biologist looking down through a rather large microscope and keeping me separate from other humans to see what I do. It's like he is reserving me for some future event in the Earth's history and right now I'm not ready to do that task, deed, or work, but will soon be called to do it for nobody else will know how or won't want to and this is one reason why I am not yet married as it would be in the best interest of humanity in the long term if I do it. . .sort of like Jeremiah the prophet. Nevertheless, in the meantime I feel absolutely compelled and driven to write like a madman, (this is horrendous writing and I know it and do not even care to know what my grammar is like-though actually I do), write write write right now. Ahora. Ecrivez maintenant. Blog blog blog. Slog slog slog. Slog through the blog. Slog through the blog like a frog in the bog. Blog like a song like a frog in the smog. "A chain in a cog," said the rooster to the throng. "That's my song," said the biker to King Kong as he sat on a log in the bog on a log while he hummed a little song.
The area beside the apartment complex here to Regent University (a mile away) is a large, wooded area home to fat old foxes who come out at night looking for rabbits and other small furry creatures with whom or of whom, I forget which it's supposed to be, they can spend and agreeable night with. The creature I saw the other night was the fattest fox I have ever seen. It was checking out the 3 large rabbits that hang out in my front yard and when it saw me coming, trooped off back to the woods.
Have you ever felt like Charlie from Flowers for Algernon. . .after he comes down from his medication? Yeah, it's kind of a bazaar feeling, knowing that you have a prodigious quantity of knowledge in your mind, but can't access it for unexplainable reasons. . .actually you could, but to do so would require something extraordinary to jog your memory banks.
I wonder what heaven will be like has been the dominant thought in my mind, not brain, mind, mind you, lately and I cannot seem to get rid of it nor do I want to. I also have this incredible feeling that God is staring at me like a giant biologist looking down through a rather large microscope and keeping me separate from other humans to see what I do. It's like he is reserving me for some future event in the Earth's history and right now I'm not ready to do that task, deed, or work, but will soon be called to do it for nobody else will know how or won't want to and this is one reason why I am not yet married as it would be in the best interest of humanity in the long term if I do it. . .sort of like Jeremiah the prophet. Nevertheless, in the meantime I feel absolutely compelled and driven to write like a madman, (this is horrendous writing and I know it and do not even care to know what my grammar is like-though actually I do), write write write right now. Ahora. Ecrivez maintenant. Blog blog blog. Slog slog slog. Slog through the blog. Slog through the blog like a frog in the bog. Blog like a song like a frog in the smog. "A chain in a cog," said the rooster to the throng. "That's my song," said the biker to King Kong as he sat on a log in the bog on a log while he hummed a little song.
03 October 2006
02 October 2006
28 September 2006
New things in my life
My left pointy finger is numb and cold. I think I squashed a nerve in my back that travels through my forearm and attaches to it.
This apartment smells like apples.
The Eastern Panhandle of West Virginia does to.
I saw a fox in downtown Chesapeake the other night.
Last night at work a co-worker told me a shofar (a rams horn) is the sound of God and asked me if we had one at church. I said no and told him you can't blow those things in Virginia Beach because the police will put you in jail. He then proceded many times that night to imitate a rams horn because he thought I was being too secular.
I got plenty of rest when I clocked out and went home.
I ate the rest of the jalepeno flavored pretzels for part of my breakfast.
My car needs washed.
I lifted weights 1/2 and hour ago and want more food but all the dishes are being washed in the dishwasher.
This apartment smells like apples.
The Eastern Panhandle of West Virginia does to.
I saw a fox in downtown Chesapeake the other night.
Last night at work a co-worker told me a shofar (a rams horn) is the sound of God and asked me if we had one at church. I said no and told him you can't blow those things in Virginia Beach because the police will put you in jail. He then proceded many times that night to imitate a rams horn because he thought I was being too secular.
I got plenty of rest when I clocked out and went home.
I ate the rest of the jalepeno flavored pretzels for part of my breakfast.
My car needs washed.
I lifted weights 1/2 and hour ago and want more food but all the dishes are being washed in the dishwasher.
27 September 2006
Moon-Watcher
In the book, 2001 A Space Odyssey, (my current read) Moon-Watcher is the leader of the last tribe of hominids in Central Africa around 3 million years ago.
Note: I don't think the Theory of Common Descent is the best explanation of reality, but it does make for a good story.
He is nearly five feet tall, hairy, and has two women and a cave. What cements his status as a local legend is the day he kills a leopard and impales the head on a stick. This act alone makes him ruler of the free world and the inventor of shish-kabob. Which brings me to my next topic-current world leaders.
My aunt sent me this picture of one world leader and I don't know what to make of it. I'll let you write the caption.
Note: I don't think the Theory of Common Descent is the best explanation of reality, but it does make for a good story.
He is nearly five feet tall, hairy, and has two women and a cave. What cements his status as a local legend is the day he kills a leopard and impales the head on a stick. This act alone makes him ruler of the free world and the inventor of shish-kabob. Which brings me to my next topic-current world leaders.
My aunt sent me this picture of one world leader and I don't know what to make of it. I'll let you write the caption.
21 September 2006
Thank You
from http://www.edvard-munch.com/Paintings/anxiety/scream_3.jpg
I want to take this time right now to thank all the drug and chemical manufacturers at Bayer Pharmaceuticals for the wonderful mind-altering and semi-hallucinogenic substances that you sell to the general public.
The last 24 hours went by quicker than I thought thanks to your products.
While laying prostrate since late Tues,early Wednesday. . .details are fuzzy. . .I had much time to reflect on how much I have yet to accomplish in Life. I also had some very very strange dreams which is to be expected when it feels like Satan himself visits you and is jabbing your forehead with a laser beam and making you feel like experiencing the ice cream headache from the 7th level of Hades.
I dreamed (by the way. . .I've never done any illegal drugs in my life). . .that the government passed a law sending all Americans back to their 8th grade English class for a semester of remedial treatment. All my grade school friends were there, including their wives, children, and other English teachers (not everyone-some had died). And we spent the day going over gerunds, and dangling participles, and how we should put i before e except after c (and some other word). And I remarked how fat the former cheerleaders were. At lunch, we went to Africa and were standing on a bridge watching a herd of 1,000 elephants drink from a river. I had one picture left and then discovered my camera had a chip that could record 100 more. Then we went to a petting zoo with antelope, springboks, white-tailed deer, elk, moose, sheep, goats, and zebras. One of the antelopes was head-butting a baby goat, then a lion escaped, but nobody paid much attention because we were going to England. In England, we came to a mountain that looked almost exactly like the one I grew up on, except instead of houses there were enormous trains. It was, in fact, a museum dedicated to trains. . .and all the trains were about 100 feet high and painted in bright shiny colors. Then we went to a ski lodge because somebody wanted to rent a jet plane on call up there to 'cruise around a bit.' The pilot was there watching us though none of us knew it, and we were discussing rumors about how much of a drunk he was. Nobody rented the jet.
Then, I met a man who designed a jet-car. I saw him flying through the air over some very high mountains (Pyrenees?), then he ejected in a thing like a rocket and parachuted down to earth in an asbestos and kevlar parachute that felt like one of those scouring pads one uses to wash dishes.
Back to the lodge, we made plans to go skiing next week in West Virginia. I told the guys I went just a few weeks ago forgetting that it hasn't snowed in West Virginia since, oh, the last Ice Age, but somehow I distinctly remember doing so, but it was very muddy.
Then I woke up, drank an espresso, cooked an omelet, and prayed never to go through an experience like that ever again.
You can start psycho-analyzing me now.
18 September 2006
Motivation
I am taking a break from Regent U this semester to finish working on a science-fiction novel. I need a break.
A man who has no purpose in life cannot possibly be motivated to do much. He may work hard and be very intelligent, but if he has no defined goal, he is fulfilling another man's dream. He is a mere pawn in another man's vision.
When a man has a specific dream, he cannot be stopped. He may encounter hardships and difficulties along the way, but the path to greatness is never easy. . .unless he wins the lottery. Besides, life wouldn't be that interesting if it weren't for all these little 'adventures' that people like to talk about when they're old and gray and smell funny.
A man who has no purpose in life cannot possibly be motivated to do much. He may work hard and be very intelligent, but if he has no defined goal, he is fulfilling another man's dream. He is a mere pawn in another man's vision.
When a man has a specific dream, he cannot be stopped. He may encounter hardships and difficulties along the way, but the path to greatness is never easy. . .unless he wins the lottery. Besides, life wouldn't be that interesting if it weren't for all these little 'adventures' that people like to talk about when they're old and gray and smell funny.
15 September 2006
Profoundnessness
"I used to be with it. But then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it. And what's it seems weird and scary to me."
- Abe Simpson
It is high noon here on the east coast and (so far) this is my deepest thought of the day.
- Abe Simpson
It is high noon here on the east coast and (so far) this is my deepest thought of the day.
13 September 2006
The new manshack and some philosophy
Here, ladies and gentlehobbits is the new place. . .the new castle. . .which during hurricanes has a fairly cool moat.
And now, some philosophy. . .
"Every ant knows the formula of its anthill
Every bee knows the formula of its beehive
They know it in their own way, not ours
Only mankind does not know its formula"
--Fyodor Dostoevsky
And thus we rely on alternate means to make meaning of Life. Means that were not meant to be used, or rather, we use our faculty of logic which is an attempt to reduce everything down to biology. I'm talking Survival of the Fittest, Reductionism, the Law of the Jungle.
This is the natural inclination of mankind when he forgets, or fails to realize, that there exists a spiritual reality far more concrete than the physical reality we observe with our biological senses. The one composed of atoms, molecules, electrons, quarks, and muons all the way up to planets, solar systems, and galaxies.
When a civilization fails to acknowledge the unseen, all it's decisions must be based on the seen. In due course, that civilization must decline, like Rome.
But you say, "Well, in a hedonistic society like 2006 America, we're doing pretty good."
That's because we are living on the moral capital of the last 200 years. Furthermore, are modern Americans really better off now than they were in, say, the 1950's?
Most people I see are obese, dull-witted, and unable to think an original thought more than twice a week (I'm trying to be nice here).
It seems to me that we are losing the moral momentum of the previous generations, and are slowing down, fast, due to the friction of immorality.
12 September 2006
Yes, miracles do happen
At precisely 10:19 A.M. as I lay sleeping in bed, with one cocked open staring at the little green led on my dsl modem,(The one that has not been on for 3 weeks),I witnessed a miracle. I heard a pop! and lo! the little green light came on!
Hurriedly, I picked up my phone to congratulate the copper-wire-using Horrorizon telecommunications ogre on arriving to the 21st century and heard voices talking. . .Voices of people that do not live in this apartment. . .and classical music.
In time, the voices ceased and the music stopped. A man then called asking if I wanted to test drive a BMW.
"Not right now," I'm still sleeping.
Another phone call. This time a different man called asking if I lived in the apartment beside mine. . .the one with the two old people and barking dog that keeps licking it's chops every time it sees me.
"No, I live here, not there."
OK, so he comes over here, as opposed to there, and asks if my dsl works. And it did, and still does. And I am still in shock and awe.
Hurriedly, I picked up my phone to congratulate the copper-wire-using Horrorizon telecommunications ogre on arriving to the 21st century and heard voices talking. . .Voices of people that do not live in this apartment. . .and classical music.
In time, the voices ceased and the music stopped. A man then called asking if I wanted to test drive a BMW.
"Not right now," I'm still sleeping.
Another phone call. This time a different man called asking if I lived in the apartment beside mine. . .the one with the two old people and barking dog that keeps licking it's chops every time it sees me.
"No, I live here, not there."
OK, so he comes over here, as opposed to there, and asks if my dsl works. And it did, and still does. And I am still in shock and awe.
The brand spanking new Wigglepad
Unfortunately, this computer won't recognize any photos of the place except this one which is the very first thing one sees when walking through the door. What one actually sees when walking through the front door is an aquarium with 2 fighting fish, a Bob Dylan poster, some plants, a treasure chest, some cardboard boxes, and a hand-made wooden cobra with ruby eyes guarding a small wooden chest containing approximately $50 worth of Nepalese rupees, a golden ring (not THE ring of course), and two nice Gneiss rocks collected from Mt. Everest Base camp.
And one might also see a replica of van Gogh's Starry Night and Salvador Dali's Persistence of Memory.
Should you wish to call me, however, you might find it difficult since a certain telecommunications company, which we'll called Horrorizon, has been mysteriously unable to provide me with anything like telephone service for the past three weeks.
11 September 2006
Today's sign of the Apocalypse
I saw a sign saying gas (87 octane) was $2.39/gallon and I thought to myself that this is really cheap.
09 September 2006
Talk
A good conversation is like a dance. Two minds twirling around one another. Complementing souls. I've found in Life, the best talks complete you, make you whole. It's mental synergicism. Each sentence, each phrase contributing to some undefinable, yet tangible, masterpiece. A masterpiece seen only in the mind's eye, and not wholly complete or recognizable until after a lifetime.
06 September 2006
Just Life
Moving.
This is the one week anniversary of my moving into a new apartment.
It's also the one week anniversary of Verizon telephone company being unable to reconnect my service.
And. . .It's the one week anniversary of not having an internet connection (This entry is being made on somebody else's computer)
It is strange having a roommate after the better part of a decade. And when it's your sister, whom you've only seen an average of once or twice a year since the late 90s, it's even stranger.
I must remind myself to stop talking to myself.
This is the one week anniversary of my moving into a new apartment.
It's also the one week anniversary of Verizon telephone company being unable to reconnect my service.
And. . .It's the one week anniversary of not having an internet connection (This entry is being made on somebody else's computer)
It is strange having a roommate after the better part of a decade. And when it's your sister, whom you've only seen an average of once or twice a year since the late 90s, it's even stranger.
I must remind myself to stop talking to myself.
24 August 2006
Hi Mom. No, I'm not bulemic. . .
I present to you, oh gentle reader, the receipt I received for the 11 items I purchased today.
All 7 ft 11 inches of it.
I'm glad I wasn't shopping for an orphanage.
All 7 ft 11 inches of it.
I'm glad I wasn't shopping for an orphanage.
23 August 2006
Must Read
Attention all English-speaking humans. Read this book. It's hilarious and funny as well. It's like a Pacific-Northwest version of 'To Kill a Mockingbird.' (Of course, I'm only at pg 198-that may change)
21 August 2006
I found this while packing today among some files
STUDENT BLOOPERS by Richard Lederer (St. Paul's School)
(Note: I obtained this text file at an education conference. Copies were distributed to all in
attendance to promote a forthcoming book by Mr. Lederer. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
I laughed until tears came to my eyes.
--H. Bonillas)
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional
jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following “history” of the world
from certifiably, genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through the college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and
traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of dessert are cultivated by irrigation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a large triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns—Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In middevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg, for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being, excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long solilguy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakepear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next author was John Milton. Miltonwrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post Without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was
born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "in onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to sring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormisk raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the ArchDuck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
(end of file)
(Note: I obtained this text file at an education conference. Copies were distributed to all in
attendance to promote a forthcoming book by Mr. Lederer. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
I laughed until tears came to my eyes.
--H. Bonillas)
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional
jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following “history” of the world
from certifiably, genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through the college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and
traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of dessert are cultivated by irrigation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a large triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns—Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In middevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg, for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being, excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long solilguy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakepear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next author was John Milton. Miltonwrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post Without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was
born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "in onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to sring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormisk raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the ArchDuck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
(end of file)
18 August 2006
Jack and Buck
I have-in my possession-a cassette tape of a one Mister Clive Staples Lewis giving a speech on the four loves. I do not remember exactly where I procured this little audio treasure. I believe I found it online.
The voice: is not what I expected it to sound like. Intuitively,this was known. You read everything someone has written-and then-hear them speak for the first time, and it's never quite what you expect. He sounds exactly how he writes, but I prefer the book version instead.
Uncle Buck:
Ever see the movie? I have an Uncle Buck. Yep. Tis true. In my biological family, there is a man who is classified as an uncle in relation to me, and his name is Buck. Actually, he's my great-uncle Buck, but I still call him
Uncle Buck
Uncle Buck has long curly red hair and a pointy red beard. Uncle Buck rides a Harley and smokes a pipe. Uncle Buck always wears blue jeans. Uncle Buck lives in the mid-west and can play a banjo. Uncle Buck does not wear ties-he wears bolos. Uncle Buck likes to bowl.
Uncle Buck
The voice: is not what I expected it to sound like. Intuitively,this was known. You read everything someone has written-and then-hear them speak for the first time, and it's never quite what you expect. He sounds exactly how he writes, but I prefer the book version instead.
Uncle Buck:
Ever see the movie? I have an Uncle Buck. Yep. Tis true. In my biological family, there is a man who is classified as an uncle in relation to me, and his name is Buck. Actually, he's my great-uncle Buck, but I still call him
Uncle Buck
Uncle Buck has long curly red hair and a pointy red beard. Uncle Buck rides a Harley and smokes a pipe. Uncle Buck always wears blue jeans. Uncle Buck lives in the mid-west and can play a banjo. Uncle Buck does not wear ties-he wears bolos. Uncle Buck likes to bowl.
Uncle Buck
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