01 March 2008

Men in masks

(Eds. Note) Though the following post was written after 6 long weeks in a pretty cool mental institution, the author assures the reader it is an accurate depiction of reality and not simply the mad ravings of a quote ‘clinically-depressed paranoid schizophrenic with delusions of grandeur’ unquote. Besides, how can one be paranoid if THEY really are following you???

It’s a vast medical conspiracy.

Surgeons really don’t know what they’re doing when they operate. That’s why they wear masks and gloves. The masks hide their identity and the gloves leave no fingerprints. They put you to sleep to discuss how to get money from you.

All those tools one sees laying sterilized on those trays? Well, it’s not easy to explain because that requires lots of higher math and statistics, but it’s no coincidence most of those ‘tools’ are knives. According to Cosmopolitan, studies with rabbits have shown that when knives are flashed at baby rabbits, there is a tendency to freeze up and be paralyzed.

Knives and daggers.


After you’re sedated, the chanting begins.

‘Scalpel. . .suture. . .sponge. . .slice’
‘Scalpel. . .suture. . .sponge. . .slice’
‘Scalpel. . .suture. . .sponge. . .slice’

Slowly, at first. Then, as the blood starts flowing, Dr. Sabu and co. chant faster. . .and faster.

‘Scalpel. . .suture. . .sponge. . .slice’
‘Scalpel. . .suture. . .sponge. . .slice’
‘Scalpel. . .suture. . .sponge. . .slice’

Then. . .they rest.

Time for the medicine men to recoup. But their twisted minds cannot. The mantra re-starts.

‘Scalpel. . .suture. . .sponge. . .slice’
‘Scalpel. . .suture. . .sponge. . .slice’
‘Scalpel. . .suture. . .sponge. . .slice’

Sometimes the hooded bandits forget the mantra and ponder dinner.

Scallops, salad, Spanish rice?
Chinese take-out with fried rice?

If one wakes during surgery, as 1-2% of all people do, they shine a bright light in your eyes and turn on NPR to trick you into believing you’ve arrived in heaven.

So, Mr. Puddleglum, are all surgeons as you suggest?

Truly, no. Like car mechanics and lawyers, they're are some good ones out there. You just have to search for them.

And remember to keep both eyes wide-open before choosing, and both half-shut after.

Sort-of like, you know, marriage.

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