17 October 2008


Dear American Women,

Now that the Christmas shopping season is upon us, what do you get that special man in your life? The best thing is a lamp, preferably one with a minimum of three light sockets that swivel in any direction except up. I bought one this morning, along with a vacuum cleaner and a box of energy drinks. . .shopping you know. Nearly every single guy on the planet, for mysterious reasons, never have enough light. They seem to enjoy living in a perpetual, twilight, sort of moodiness.

(Perhaps it reminds them of Mars???)

I really don't know. I do know that God, who I'm assuming is a guy, and single, the first thing he did before making the planets, stars, plants, trees, dinosaurs, earth, wind, fire, cows, asteroids, curvy women, donkeys, words, and black holes was create light. It says so in the Bible. There's few things worse than when you're making a cabinet, or universe in this case, than working in the dark. You think you know what you're doing but really aren't sure. It's kind of hit-or-miss. Too much like evolution. Chance.

And still we have the aardvark. . .and the platypus. Two strange creatures that God himself probably made during a temporary light shortage and needed to resort to candles.

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