According to the 30 January 2002 edition of USA Today and a certain little calendar-like boxy thing at work,
Ed Headrick, inventor of the Frisbee died at the age of 78 years exactly 5 years ago. He family cremated his body and molded the ashes into the shape of a flying saucer.
One wit observed that now the grandkids could always play catch with grandpa.
30 January 2007
25 January 2007
20 January 2007
Things are coming to a point
Things are coming to a point.
With technology moving so fast, today's world is one big community. You can be anywhere on this planet in 2 days. From Virginia Beach, it is 4-5 hours to LAX. 20 hours to Tokyo. 5 hours to Bangkok. 20 hours back to New York. Then an hour or so back here.
5+20+5+22+1=53 hours
OK, so two and a half days to circumnavigate the globe. Pretty good considering it took Magellan (or some other Portuguese guy) over a year merely 500 years ago.
666. The number of man. What does this mean? Probably exactly what it says. . .the number of man, that is, the number of all the people on the planet, which currently is 6.6 billion.
Something very significant must happen soon in the world that will profoundly affect the next millennium. What. . .I don’t know. The rapture of the Church comes to mind. I know these macro cycles seem to come at 1,000 year intervals.
Adam-6,000 B.C.
Noah’s Flood destroying everything 1,500 years later.
2,000 years after Adam came Abraham.
1,000 years later came King David.
1,000 years later, God himself came as a human to set the world right again.
1,000 years after that. . .I’m not exactly sure, but something probably highly significant took place, and it wasn’t just Magna Carta.
Now we’re here, at the beginning of the seventh millennium on God’s little planet. Like squirrels chattering all day long. God has already written the book, we’re the characters, and anybody with any sense whatsoever should know something’s about to give. The good keep getting more refined, the bad are getting more perverse, scoffers and mockers are running their mouths off like runaway trains.
Jezebel has declared she is running for President. . .(this requires a separate posting)
It is now, theoretically possible to clone a human by taking cells from a human female. (Would it be human???)
Probably not.
It would be an abomination of mankind. A perfect mockery of humankind.
I don’t think God would allow all these wonderful gadgets we’ve produced in the last decade to be made if it wasn’t designed for his purpose. Sure, bad men are perverting the digital highways, but the poor and stupid will always be with us. It’s no accident that one can pick up a cell phone, take a picture of one ’s self, and e-mail it to somebody in Mongolia within seconds. Look at the time Jesus arrived. Shortly after Rome united a world of barbarians and made a good safe system of roads. It’s genius. God using Satan to build the superstructure necessary for His purposes.
With technology moving so fast, today's world is one big community. You can be anywhere on this planet in 2 days. From Virginia Beach, it is 4-5 hours to LAX. 20 hours to Tokyo. 5 hours to Bangkok. 20 hours back to New York. Then an hour or so back here.
5+20+5+22+1=53 hours
OK, so two and a half days to circumnavigate the globe. Pretty good considering it took Magellan (or some other Portuguese guy) over a year merely 500 years ago.
666. The number of man. What does this mean? Probably exactly what it says. . .the number of man, that is, the number of all the people on the planet, which currently is 6.6 billion.
Something very significant must happen soon in the world that will profoundly affect the next millennium. What. . .I don’t know. The rapture of the Church comes to mind. I know these macro cycles seem to come at 1,000 year intervals.
Adam-6,000 B.C.
Noah’s Flood destroying everything 1,500 years later.
2,000 years after Adam came Abraham.
1,000 years later came King David.
1,000 years later, God himself came as a human to set the world right again.
1,000 years after that. . .I’m not exactly sure, but something probably highly significant took place, and it wasn’t just Magna Carta.
Now we’re here, at the beginning of the seventh millennium on God’s little planet. Like squirrels chattering all day long. God has already written the book, we’re the characters, and anybody with any sense whatsoever should know something’s about to give. The good keep getting more refined, the bad are getting more perverse, scoffers and mockers are running their mouths off like runaway trains.
Jezebel has declared she is running for President. . .(this requires a separate posting)
It is now, theoretically possible to clone a human by taking cells from a human female. (Would it be human???)
Probably not.
It would be an abomination of mankind. A perfect mockery of humankind.
I don’t think God would allow all these wonderful gadgets we’ve produced in the last decade to be made if it wasn’t designed for his purpose. Sure, bad men are perverting the digital highways, but the poor and stupid will always be with us. It’s no accident that one can pick up a cell phone, take a picture of one ’s self, and e-mail it to somebody in Mongolia within seconds. Look at the time Jesus arrived. Shortly after Rome united a world of barbarians and made a good safe system of roads. It’s genius. God using Satan to build the superstructure necessary for His purposes.
19 January 2007
Friday
On top of a dry and dusty shelf at the chemistry lab, can be found a calendar with an interesting fact for the day. Todays entry reads,
1. Day of the week most bank robberies occur: Friday
2. Amount stolen in average bank robbery: $5,000
3. Odds that a bank robber is apprehended: 3 in 4
What this means to me is that I have a 25% chance of getting a $5,000 bonus today, providing of course, whether or not I find that mask I always wear skiing. . .
1. Day of the week most bank robberies occur: Friday
2. Amount stolen in average bank robbery: $5,000
3. Odds that a bank robber is apprehended: 3 in 4
What this means to me is that I have a 25% chance of getting a $5,000 bonus today, providing of course, whether or not I find that mask I always wear skiing. . .
18 January 2007
The Tall Dark Hunk with the Rippling Rump
a short story
by me
part I
Senor San Diego Carlos Juan Valdez Consuelo del Riviera stood 4' 11'' when standing on his toes and weighed 98 lbs soaking wet. A nurse once described him as diffusively hirsute, which in layman's terms means 'hairier than Borat, but less than Bigfoot.' Over the years, he had acquired what come called a pot belly, and others a beer belly, yet he had never smoked or drunk either. He affectionately referred to it as his hump. You see, his favorite mammal was the dromendary. In a little cabinet, he stored a wooden camel. The statue was the gift from an ex-girlfriend who purchased it from a yard sale for 50 cents. He worshiped the little beast as an idol.
Diego, in his words, was "training for the Olympic Games in weightlifting." While others were not of the same opinion, nevertheless, they wished him the best, lotsa luck, and plenty of good karma. . .as they felt sure he needed all three. Everyday, Diego consumed three high protein GNC double-express drinks with religious zeal. After two years of rigorous training, the results were stunning. He upped his bench-press to 88 lbs and gained 7 lbs of upper-body mass.
One day, after a particularly grueling work-out, he looked in the mirror and exclaimed, "one day, my boy, you'll show em.' They'll see. . .they'll all see."
Diego's favorite tee-shirt was a ragged old mop, faded green with yellow stains around the armpit. It said 'The Little Engine that Could.' He had won it at the state fair and felt mysteriously drawn to it. This was always said in the ominous overtones most people used when discussing paranormal activity and cancer.
end of part I
next week. . .part II
by me
part I
Senor San Diego Carlos Juan Valdez Consuelo del Riviera stood 4' 11'' when standing on his toes and weighed 98 lbs soaking wet. A nurse once described him as diffusively hirsute, which in layman's terms means 'hairier than Borat, but less than Bigfoot.' Over the years, he had acquired what come called a pot belly, and others a beer belly, yet he had never smoked or drunk either. He affectionately referred to it as his hump. You see, his favorite mammal was the dromendary. In a little cabinet, he stored a wooden camel. The statue was the gift from an ex-girlfriend who purchased it from a yard sale for 50 cents. He worshiped the little beast as an idol.
Diego, in his words, was "training for the Olympic Games in weightlifting." While others were not of the same opinion, nevertheless, they wished him the best, lotsa luck, and plenty of good karma. . .as they felt sure he needed all three. Everyday, Diego consumed three high protein GNC double-express drinks with religious zeal. After two years of rigorous training, the results were stunning. He upped his bench-press to 88 lbs and gained 7 lbs of upper-body mass.
One day, after a particularly grueling work-out, he looked in the mirror and exclaimed, "one day, my boy, you'll show em.' They'll see. . .they'll all see."
Diego's favorite tee-shirt was a ragged old mop, faded green with yellow stains around the armpit. It said 'The Little Engine that Could.' He had won it at the state fair and felt mysteriously drawn to it. This was always said in the ominous overtones most people used when discussing paranormal activity and cancer.
end of part I
next week. . .part II
11 January 2007
Some Wisdom
1 Comfort vs. Style: One should never sacrifice comfort for the sake of style. Pain is quite often the punishment for petty vanity. It’s true. It’s implied in Leviticus. Neither should one sacrifice style for comfort. Wear what you like, and like what you wear. Just don’t be a cheapskate. Life is too short. Which brings us to our next topic.
Teeth Whitening: With the invention of sandblasting during the early part of the twentieth century, anyone can now experience a pearly white smile. Sure, your teeth may be two millimeters tall, but with everyone on liquid carb-free diets nowadays, this is not a problem. For those of you without access to a sandblaster, chewing sandpaper is the next best thing.
"But 84 Lumber is closed today," you might ask.
Have no fear gentle readers, SuperWalmart is ALWAYS open. Even on Yom Kippur. Sandpaper has one drawback, it only comes in two flavors: Dover English Chalk and White Desert Sand. Fortunately, a third option exists. Granola cereal. One cup inserted into the mouth before leaving for work and after passionately kissing your young, hip, curvy, voluptuous wife with long hair, red lips, and penchant for preserved vegetables should do the trick. Just make sure you take your Crest as co-workers can sometimes be a bit leery of working with the ‘man-with-the-speckled-leopard-teeth.’
And now, some History
Flare: Flare and I had a tenuous relationship for two years.
A very long two years.
It was during this period of my life, referred to as the Dark Ages, I aged from a 19-year-old ready to take on the world charismatic political world leader to be, into a 47-year-old, fat, bald, bohemian who oftentimes got arrested for vagrancy. You see, I had a dream. In this dream, I was skipping in a meadow with a basket in my hand. The basket was inscribed with the word ‘OPTIONS’ and it had a hole in it. It was a time that tried man’s soul. It has been said by one wit ‘Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.’ Which is true unless 100% methanol is used. It has also been said ‘Where there’s smoke, there’s Flare.’
What would precipitate such a profound maxim?
Dating Flare required smoke and mirrors.
Flare was not what we modern folk typically refer to as ‘visually appealing,’ nor what old folks call ‘beautiful,’ nor what Neanderthals called ‘mammoth good.’ And while some would say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it is a rare man to associate feminine beauty with the face of a bulldog.
I got me a woman with a hook in her nose
She’s got two buck teeth and wears second hand clothes
She stutters when she speaks and walks with a hop
I don’t know why I love her but I just can’t stop
I’m in love with the ugliest girl in the world 2
But Flare had substance, Flare had style, Flare had, well...flare. She had a wonderful personality and she made a great cook.
The woman I love has got two flat feet
a nose like a crow, and her eyebrows meet
When she talks she says ba ba baby...I I Luv uv....youuu
But there’s nothing in this world, I wouldn’t do for her
(Ya see) I’m in love with the ugliest girl in the world 3
But a lass, she was, much like her name implies...a passing fancy. I do miss her so. And should we ever meet again on the other side of eternity. . .well. . .God gives beauty for ashes. . .I’m really counting on it.
Again, The Wiggle Has Spoken
1 -The following may not apply to residents of Kentucky, Southern West Virginia, or the section of North Carolina stretching from roughly Raleigh/Durham to Charlotte.
2- paraphrase from a really old Bob Dylan song
3- More paraphrasing from a really old Bob Dylan song
Teeth Whitening: With the invention of sandblasting during the early part of the twentieth century, anyone can now experience a pearly white smile. Sure, your teeth may be two millimeters tall, but with everyone on liquid carb-free diets nowadays, this is not a problem. For those of you without access to a sandblaster, chewing sandpaper is the next best thing.
"But 84 Lumber is closed today," you might ask.
Have no fear gentle readers, SuperWalmart is ALWAYS open. Even on Yom Kippur. Sandpaper has one drawback, it only comes in two flavors: Dover English Chalk and White Desert Sand. Fortunately, a third option exists. Granola cereal. One cup inserted into the mouth before leaving for work and after passionately kissing your young, hip, curvy, voluptuous wife with long hair, red lips, and penchant for preserved vegetables should do the trick. Just make sure you take your Crest as co-workers can sometimes be a bit leery of working with the ‘man-with-the-speckled-leopard-teeth.’
And now, some History
Flare: Flare and I had a tenuous relationship for two years.
A very long two years.
It was during this period of my life, referred to as the Dark Ages, I aged from a 19-year-old ready to take on the world charismatic political world leader to be, into a 47-year-old, fat, bald, bohemian who oftentimes got arrested for vagrancy. You see, I had a dream. In this dream, I was skipping in a meadow with a basket in my hand. The basket was inscribed with the word ‘OPTIONS’ and it had a hole in it. It was a time that tried man’s soul. It has been said by one wit ‘Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.’ Which is true unless 100% methanol is used. It has also been said ‘Where there’s smoke, there’s Flare.’
What would precipitate such a profound maxim?
Dating Flare required smoke and mirrors.
Flare was not what we modern folk typically refer to as ‘visually appealing,’ nor what old folks call ‘beautiful,’ nor what Neanderthals called ‘mammoth good.’ And while some would say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it is a rare man to associate feminine beauty with the face of a bulldog.
I got me a woman with a hook in her nose
She’s got two buck teeth and wears second hand clothes
She stutters when she speaks and walks with a hop
I don’t know why I love her but I just can’t stop
I’m in love with the ugliest girl in the world 2
But Flare had substance, Flare had style, Flare had, well...flare. She had a wonderful personality and she made a great cook.
The woman I love has got two flat feet
a nose like a crow, and her eyebrows meet
When she talks she says ba ba baby...I I Luv uv....youuu
But there’s nothing in this world, I wouldn’t do for her
(Ya see) I’m in love with the ugliest girl in the world 3
But a lass, she was, much like her name implies...a passing fancy. I do miss her so. And should we ever meet again on the other side of eternity. . .well. . .God gives beauty for ashes. . .I’m really counting on it.
Again, The Wiggle Has Spoken
1 -The following may not apply to residents of Kentucky, Southern West Virginia, or the section of North Carolina stretching from roughly Raleigh/Durham to Charlotte.
2- paraphrase from a really old Bob Dylan song
3- More paraphrasing from a really old Bob Dylan song
06 January 2007
Epiphany
6 January 1943
Date on which the U.S. government banned all pleasure driving on the east Coast.
--USA Today, 3 June 1994
Date on which the U.S. government banned all pleasure driving on the east Coast.
--USA Today, 3 June 1994
05 January 2007
Job Interview
Job interview today. I do not do well at these things. Today's session consisted of 3 men and a lady drilling me with questions for 45 minutes. I felt perfectly relaxed, but I think they wanted me to speak more. What I really wanted to say was,
"Hi! My name is Jason. I have an IQ of 150, have never done drugs, and I promise to never steal pencils or surf the net on company time. Hire me. You'll be happy."
It's going to be 75 degrees tomorrow.
I 'heart' global warming.
"Hi! My name is Jason. I have an IQ of 150, have never done drugs, and I promise to never steal pencils or surf the net on company time. Hire me. You'll be happy."
It's going to be 75 degrees tomorrow.
I 'heart' global warming.
Interesting fact
According to Italian mythology, the best time to get a haircut is during the full moon.
03 January 2007
There's a moon out tonight
Isn't this pretty much always the case?
Tonight, Orion was playing under the full orb of Luna. And at exactly 2:00AM EST, both could be seen over the building where we chemistry people prep the samples for analyses.
I waited in the Starbucks drive-thru so long today, that I discovered two four-leaf clovers.
We won the Gator Bowl. We, as in, the WVU football team and Me. (Or is it I) English was never my favorite subject in school. I had an English teacher who wrote on the chalkboard.
'I don't have no fun at the beach.'
And she asked me how I would I correct this problem. I told her "get a boyfriend, thing's will pick up for you." That was a long semester.
So, Them and Me. . .Us. . .won the Gator bowl. Beat Georgia Tech 38-35, and without our best player.
After working the night shift in a chemistry lab for the past two years and sleeping during the day, I have come to the conclusion that I miss the Sun. I mean, I see it two days out of the week, but I think humans work better physiologically when the sun is shining. . .at least in your hemispere. One of my new year's resolutions is to limit my average caffeine consumption to less than 100 mg/24 hour period except during emergencies. Emergency, in this case, being a nebulous term which can change definitions anytime the spirit moves me. Kind of like how Evolutionists change the meaning of the term evolution when discussing all things biology. (Can you tell I made a trip to 7-11 tonight to buy a bottle of Mountain Dew. . .Tis true. I doth splurged and drinketh the cup of the gods.
Currently reading: nothing at all because I'm typing. But if I wasn't, I'd be reading
The Food of the Gods
The Lost World
Sphere
The Bible
and the back of the cereal box (which is not a book, rather a sort of pamphlet that also functions as a wall for little boys to stare at when they don't want to see their little sister chew with her mouth open when she's sitting across from you at 6 in the morning)
Jason, please go to sleep now. It's almost daylight.
Tonight, Orion was playing under the full orb of Luna. And at exactly 2:00AM EST, both could be seen over the building where we chemistry people prep the samples for analyses.
I waited in the Starbucks drive-thru so long today, that I discovered two four-leaf clovers.
We won the Gator Bowl. We, as in, the WVU football team and Me. (Or is it I) English was never my favorite subject in school. I had an English teacher who wrote on the chalkboard.
'I don't have no fun at the beach.'
And she asked me how I would I correct this problem. I told her "get a boyfriend, thing's will pick up for you." That was a long semester.
So, Them and Me. . .Us. . .won the Gator bowl. Beat Georgia Tech 38-35, and without our best player.
After working the night shift in a chemistry lab for the past two years and sleeping during the day, I have come to the conclusion that I miss the Sun. I mean, I see it two days out of the week, but I think humans work better physiologically when the sun is shining. . .at least in your hemispere. One of my new year's resolutions is to limit my average caffeine consumption to less than 100 mg/24 hour period except during emergencies. Emergency, in this case, being a nebulous term which can change definitions anytime the spirit moves me. Kind of like how Evolutionists change the meaning of the term evolution when discussing all things biology. (Can you tell I made a trip to 7-11 tonight to buy a bottle of Mountain Dew. . .Tis true. I doth splurged and drinketh the cup of the gods.
Currently reading: nothing at all because I'm typing. But if I wasn't, I'd be reading
The Food of the Gods
The Lost World
Sphere
The Bible
and the back of the cereal box (which is not a book, rather a sort of pamphlet that also functions as a wall for little boys to stare at when they don't want to see their little sister chew with her mouth open when she's sitting across from you at 6 in the morning)
Jason, please go to sleep now. It's almost daylight.
01 January 2007
29 December 2006
Strange but true
Strange.
I have the same exact name (and a slight resemblance) to the weatherman in my parent's hometown. I think we may even be related-I'm not sure.
So what does one do at the store when the cash register girl goes, "o' my God! You're the weatherman! I see you on TV!"
Why give her the weather forecast, of course.
And if it isn't entirely accurate. . .well I've never pretended to be a prophet.
I have the same exact name (and a slight resemblance) to the weatherman in my parent's hometown. I think we may even be related-I'm not sure.
So what does one do at the store when the cash register girl goes, "o' my God! You're the weatherman! I see you on TV!"
Why give her the weather forecast, of course.
And if it isn't entirely accurate. . .well I've never pretended to be a prophet.
26 December 2006
Christmas
So, went to see the parents for Christmas.
On the way there via the Robert C. Byrd Appalachian Highway, I passed by, or was near, the Robert C. Byrd Auditorium at the National Conservation Training Center, the Robert C. Byrd Cancer Research Laboratory of Morgantown, the Robert C. Byrd Center for Legislative Studies, the Robert C. Byrd Clinic at the West Virginia School of Osteopathic Medicine, Robert C. Byrd Drive from Beckley to Sophia, the Robert C. Byrd Federal Building & Courthouse at Beckley, the Robert C. Byrd Green Bank Telescope at Green Bank, the Robert C. Byrd Health Sciences Center of Morgantown, Robert C. Byrd High School, the Robert C. Byrd Industrial Park, the Robert C. Byrd Library & Robert C. Byrd Learning Resource Center, the Robert C. Byrd National Aerospace Education Center, and the Robert C. Byrd Science and Technology Center.
And I thought to myself,
'I must be in. . .West Virginia'
On the way there via the Robert C. Byrd Appalachian Highway, I passed by, or was near, the Robert C. Byrd Auditorium at the National Conservation Training Center, the Robert C. Byrd Cancer Research Laboratory of Morgantown, the Robert C. Byrd Center for Legislative Studies, the Robert C. Byrd Clinic at the West Virginia School of Osteopathic Medicine, Robert C. Byrd Drive from Beckley to Sophia, the Robert C. Byrd Federal Building & Courthouse at Beckley, the Robert C. Byrd Green Bank Telescope at Green Bank, the Robert C. Byrd Health Sciences Center of Morgantown, Robert C. Byrd High School, the Robert C. Byrd Industrial Park, the Robert C. Byrd Library & Robert C. Byrd Learning Resource Center, the Robert C. Byrd National Aerospace Education Center, and the Robert C. Byrd Science and Technology Center.
And I thought to myself,
'I must be in. . .West Virginia'
19 December 2006
Nefarious Clowns
There is a very good reason I dislike clowns.
In middle school I played in the band-a trombone. One day, in May, we played a concert at a local festival. Afterwards, some four of us had some free time, and so we wandered around this large mall parking lot looking at all the displays. At one end of the parking lot we found a small circus tent with ropes around it. Definately not part of the festival tents, but we were curious, and bored, and 13-years-old, and without adult supervision. We walked around the tent and discovered, tied to a stake, a baby elephant. . .nibbling grass.
It was the size of a pony. . .and it looked lonely.
And so, because one does not often discover baby elephants in North-central West Virginia, especially in May, we decided after some discussion to investigate this curious phenomenon of nature.
It seemed a good idea at the time.
We looked around, saw no adults, and Jimmy, who had ADD before it even existed, ran over, smacked the baby pachyderm, and ran back.
My turn. Unfortunately, a clown emerged from the tent and told us to go away. We asked if we could pet the baby elephant, but he kept yelling at us.
I thought, being a clown and all, he was going to say something funny. (Because isn't that what clowns do? Say something funny?)
Then Mr. Clown started cussing, which can be tramatic when you're 13-years-old. As hard as I might, I simply could not reconcile what he said with anything approaching humor. I just stared at him and thought, "I just don't get it. This clown isn't funny at all."
Needless to say, we left the little guy. . .nibbling grass. . .because of a mean ole clown.
In middle school I played in the band-a trombone. One day, in May, we played a concert at a local festival. Afterwards, some four of us had some free time, and so we wandered around this large mall parking lot looking at all the displays. At one end of the parking lot we found a small circus tent with ropes around it. Definately not part of the festival tents, but we were curious, and bored, and 13-years-old, and without adult supervision. We walked around the tent and discovered, tied to a stake, a baby elephant. . .nibbling grass.
It was the size of a pony. . .and it looked lonely.
And so, because one does not often discover baby elephants in North-central West Virginia, especially in May, we decided after some discussion to investigate this curious phenomenon of nature.
It seemed a good idea at the time.
We looked around, saw no adults, and Jimmy, who had ADD before it even existed, ran over, smacked the baby pachyderm, and ran back.
My turn. Unfortunately, a clown emerged from the tent and told us to go away. We asked if we could pet the baby elephant, but he kept yelling at us.
I thought, being a clown and all, he was going to say something funny. (Because isn't that what clowns do? Say something funny?)
Then Mr. Clown started cussing, which can be tramatic when you're 13-years-old. As hard as I might, I simply could not reconcile what he said with anything approaching humor. I just stared at him and thought, "I just don't get it. This clown isn't funny at all."
Needless to say, we left the little guy. . .nibbling grass. . .because of a mean ole clown.
16 December 2006
13 December 2006
Arranged Marriages
Sometimes I wonder if we should go back to arranged marriages.
-You see an attractive girl
-You get her dad's phone #
-You call him up and tell him your intentions
-He says OK, but it'll cost you ten cows
-Guy says fine
-Lover Boy proceeds to Wal-Mart, buys ten cows, some chap stick, and a roll of duct tape...because just as women need tenderness and affection, guys need duct tape. It's one of the more profounder mysteries of the Universe.
-Guy loads pick-up truck with cattle and drops them off.
-Guy picks up the rings, girl gets the dress, they meet at the church and become husband and wife until death do they part.
-Dad is happy and ten cows richer, mom is crying, and the cats got enough milk to last a full nine lifetimes.It's a win-win-win-win situation. And if the newly-weds don't get along at first, well, I suspect that after about ten years they'll come around and start to see the small things in one another that will bring draw them closer. Intimacy is a process you know. I could write about this kind of stuff until my fingers fell off, but since I like my fingers, I'll stop here...I'm really attached to them, that, and I have to go to work tonight.
-The Wiggle Has Spoken
-You see an attractive girl
-You get her dad's phone #
-You call him up and tell him your intentions
-He says OK, but it'll cost you ten cows
-Guy says fine
-Lover Boy proceeds to Wal-Mart, buys ten cows, some chap stick, and a roll of duct tape...because just as women need tenderness and affection, guys need duct tape. It's one of the more profounder mysteries of the Universe.
-Guy loads pick-up truck with cattle and drops them off.
-Guy picks up the rings, girl gets the dress, they meet at the church and become husband and wife until death do they part.
-Dad is happy and ten cows richer, mom is crying, and the cats got enough milk to last a full nine lifetimes.It's a win-win-win-win situation. And if the newly-weds don't get along at first, well, I suspect that after about ten years they'll come around and start to see the small things in one another that will bring draw them closer. Intimacy is a process you know. I could write about this kind of stuff until my fingers fell off, but since I like my fingers, I'll stop here...I'm really attached to them, that, and I have to go to work tonight.
-The Wiggle Has Spoken
11 December 2006
The Incredible Edible Snowman
This is the frosty little gentleman that my sister made this afternoon in the same exact oven that I cooked the nightmare-giving pizza I ate the other day. She's in the process of starting up a specialty cake company, so, because I'll be nice-as soon as I have more time, I will scan some of the cakes she's made so far and post pics of them here.
09 December 2006
Bad Pizza (by Kirkland)
So, one of the many items I purchased yesterday at CostCo was an enormous pizza. Of which I ate more than a generous portion.
My dream: I dreamed last night that I was leaving a church service and I went to an enormous house where a party was going on. I distinctly remember finding a dark corner and deciding to take a quick nap in a chair because I was tired. Beside me was an animal pen. As I was looking at this animal pen (inside the house) two animals raised their heads and looked at me. . .one was a horse, the other a dinosaur, a small sauropod. The horse started talking to me (I saw his lips move) and the 1st thing he said was:
"You're probably not used to horses talking to you, are you."
I said, "No, You're the first horse I've ever talked to." He sounded somewhat British and had very good articulation. We chatted for a while. Then the sauropod spoke. The dinosaur had a squeaky feminine-type voice that irritated me. After some time, I grabbed the horse's neck in my right hand and the sauropod's neck in my left hand and said, "Listen, you guys shouldn't be talking. You're animals. What if somebody sees you."
The animals got a little angry and so I squeezed their necks to get my point across. Then their heads began to shrink until they became snakes. The horse was a big brown constrictor thing, the dinosaur turned into a rattlesnake or a copperhead (I forget which). I threw the horse/snake down into the pen and just stared at the dino/rattlesnake. Then the thing latched onto my arm and hung there for a few seconds. I tried shaking it off gently but the creature bit me, then it fell into the pen. I turned my head and saw two baby vipers near me stuck to some furniture. I flicked on away with my finger and the other one dropped to the ground.
I got up, left the room, and laid down in a bed still in my dark-brown wool suit and overheard a Portugese man in the next room (through the wall) reading. . .and stumbling over half the words. . .my blog aloud to a group of people, while they laughed.
I woke up being dreadfully thirsty.
Does anybody out there know what this means???
My dream: I dreamed last night that I was leaving a church service and I went to an enormous house where a party was going on. I distinctly remember finding a dark corner and deciding to take a quick nap in a chair because I was tired. Beside me was an animal pen. As I was looking at this animal pen (inside the house) two animals raised their heads and looked at me. . .one was a horse, the other a dinosaur, a small sauropod. The horse started talking to me (I saw his lips move) and the 1st thing he said was:
"You're probably not used to horses talking to you, are you."
I said, "No, You're the first horse I've ever talked to." He sounded somewhat British and had very good articulation. We chatted for a while. Then the sauropod spoke. The dinosaur had a squeaky feminine-type voice that irritated me. After some time, I grabbed the horse's neck in my right hand and the sauropod's neck in my left hand and said, "Listen, you guys shouldn't be talking. You're animals. What if somebody sees you."
The animals got a little angry and so I squeezed their necks to get my point across. Then their heads began to shrink until they became snakes. The horse was a big brown constrictor thing, the dinosaur turned into a rattlesnake or a copperhead (I forget which). I threw the horse/snake down into the pen and just stared at the dino/rattlesnake. Then the thing latched onto my arm and hung there for a few seconds. I tried shaking it off gently but the creature bit me, then it fell into the pen. I turned my head and saw two baby vipers near me stuck to some furniture. I flicked on away with my finger and the other one dropped to the ground.
I got up, left the room, and laid down in a bed still in my dark-brown wool suit and overheard a Portugese man in the next room (through the wall) reading. . .and stumbling over half the words. . .my blog aloud to a group of people, while they laughed.
I woke up being dreadfully thirsty.
Does anybody out there know what this means???
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